- October 1999 -
10\30\99 - 7:49 PM GMT
Halloween preparations underway
Smith today informed close friends and associates that
he plans to spend this Halloween "hiding out in
his basement with a flashlight, some canned meats, bottled
water, and a loaded and ready shotgun". A
visibly shaking Smith continued: "I've heard about
the whole computer virus doomsday thing, and if any
of them little looters so much as approaches my front
door looking for goodies, they'll be in for one hell
of a surprise."
10\28\99 - 5:14 AM GMT
album title announced
The follow-up to IDEAS FOR SONGS
by The Beatless will be
released sometime in November, and has officially been
titled LIFE & DEATH.
Rev. Smith has recorded at least 22 new songs for the
band's sophomore effort. A full tracklist for
the upcoming album will be posted here soon.
10\26\99 - 11:32 PM GMT
Smith "high on life"
Denying all recent charges of substance abuse, Rev.
Smith today claimed to have achieved a "natural
high - one that goes beyond what other illicit substances
could possibly offer me". Speaking candidly
to reporters, he told them "I feel good, today,
man, real good. I'm just high on life."
He later declined to answer questions about an alleged
drinking binge the previous night.
10\26\99 - 12:03 AM GMT
Penis caught in zipper (again)
For the fourth time in just over a week, Rev. Smith
accidentally caught his penis in the zipper of his one-piece
pajamas. On one such occasion last Monday night,
the local fire department was called, and the "jaws
of life" were deployed in order to free Smith from
the zipper. "This is a problem I believe
I can overcome," said a sore and mortified Smith
10\24\99 - 4:09 AM GMT
Jones Soda supply running low
A new report issued today indicates that Rev. Smith's
personal supply of Jones
Soda in running dangerously low. "I've
got 3, maybe 4 full bottles left in the fridge right
now," said Smith gravely. "I should really
go out and buy a lot more." Shaking his head
slowly, he added "...a lot more."
10\22\99 - 6:55 AM GMT
IDEAS FOR SONGS goes gold
The debut album by The Beatless
officially went gold this morning at 6:21 AM GMT. A
far cry from the multi-platinum selling successes Smith
enjoyed while with GOF
UGNÜT, it is nonetheless seen by many as an
accomplishment in sales for a self-released album. Smith
is currently hard at work on a follow-up album which
is expected in November.
10\19\99 - 5:13 AM GMT
Smith, Danza to star in buddy-cop
Veteran actor Tony Danza will team-up with Rev.
Smith this fall to film the buddy-cop action movie
Hard to Swallow. Danza will star as Tony
Spazamazoni, a tough but fair cop who's been around
the block. His partner, an over-eager beginner
named Dan Chase, will be played by Macaulay Culkin.
Their arch nemesis, an evil drug-running psychotic
killer will be played by the venerable Tom Skerrit.
It is believed that Smith will have a brief role as
an extra somewhere near the beginning of the film.
10\17\99 - 1:16 AM GMT
Penis caught in zipper
Rev. Smith suffered a minor injury and major blow to
his ego last night when just before going to bed, while
zipping up his one-piece pajamas, he accidentally got
his penis caught. This is the first time this
has happened to The Reverend since he was nine years
of age. "Ow, fuck, fuck, fuck!" said
10\13\99 - 10:40 PM GMT
Reverend's Y2K-compatibility questioned
Top scientists and technology experts today expressed
concerns about Rev. Smith's Y2K compatibility at an
international symposium. "Smith was created
in the early 1970s and does not have the ability to
express the current year using more than 2 digits,"
explained Charles Mikulis, professor of Humanetics at
Brown University, "consequently, at exactly midnight
of Dec. 31, 1999, his head will explode."
10\09\99 - 12:37 PM GMT
Smith meets President at historic
Recently Rev. Smith paid a visit to the Jones
Soda World Headquarters in Vancouver, British Columbia,
where he held talks with Urban Juice & Soda president
Peter Van Stolk and close aid, Jones Soda webmaster
Ernest Von Rosen. "I feel confident that
these talks will result a new era of prosperity for
Jones Soda collectors such as myself," said Smith.
10\04\99 - 9:35 AM GMT
Rev. Smith declared "World's
Standing nearly 6"1', The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith
was this morning declared by the ICHS (International
Committee on Heights and Sizes) to be the tallest midget
alive. Smith accepted the honor in a televised
ceremony from Rotterdam. "Today, I feel huge,"
declared Smith just before falling flat on his ass,
delighting thousands of noteworthy onlookers.
10\02\99 - 3:43 PM GMT
Brussels concert canceled
"dreadfully poor weather conditions" and "the
fact that I'm not currently on tour", Rev. Smith
held a brief press conference today to announce that
upcoming performance by The
Beatless which was never scheduled to take place
this Tuesday at 8pm at the National Performing Arts
Center in Brussels, will indeed not be happening. "Sorry,"