- June 2000 -
6\29\00 - 4:16 PM GMT
Smith kicks off summer with a bang
Hollywood analysts are expecting Rev. Smith to be the top box office
draw this Fourth of July weekend, with some estimating
he could bring in as much as $68 million over the four
day stretch. Many of the big studios have opted not
to even compete with Smith, steering their movies' release
dates clear of the holiday weekend. "What's particularly
impressive about this," noted one tinsel town insider,
"is that Smith doesn't have a movie out - nor will
he in the foreseeable future."
6\26\00 - 10:33 AM GMT
According to an online medical chart, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith falls
under the category of 'morbidly obese', carrying an
approximate 180 lb. on his 3'4" body. "Well,
I'm pretty surprised about this," remarked Smith,
"I mean, I'm no athlete, but I try to eat right
and exercise a few times a week... I guess I'd better
cut down on those Twinkies." It is believed
that the last time Smith measured his height was in
6\23\00 - 7:27 AM GMT
the Game passes 100,000 hits
Rev. Smith's cult hit website BRAD:
the game today surpassed the 100,000 hit landmark.
Said one recent B:tG
fan, "Since my discovery of BRAD:
the game, I've done nothing else but sit in front
of my computer and grow less and less attached to the
real world. You owe me four hours of my life back...
payable in midgets."
6\20\00 - 5:31 PM GMT
OK, everyone, buddy-up!
Two days after the spectacularly successful international showing of
hands, Smith initiated a further call for everyone to
buddy-up. "The buddy system has been used for decades
by school groups in order to promote the safety of all,
and to make sure nobody gets lost," said Smith.
The plan hit a snag when it was found that the world
population is an odd number. Thinking quickly Smith
said, "OK, you three triple-up."
6\18\00 - 4:02 PM GMT
Let's see a showing of hands
Rev. Smith today joined many high ranking US officials and several foreign
dignitaries in calling for an international showing
of hands. The call went out at noon for people of all
nations to raise up one or both of their hands. "I
think it's a good idea," said Smith from his vantage
point atop the Sears Tower in Chicago, "you know,
just to see who's left."
6\14\00 - 7:27 PM GMT
Smith comes out of closet
After seventeen years of troubled marriage, Rev. Smith today came out
of the closet to his husband, revealing that he is not
really gay. "I just couldn't pretend anymore,"
said Smith. "I have done some real soul searching
these past few weeks and found that I'm just not sexually
attracted to men." Smith said he will exclusively
date women in the future, and plans to sell off his
adopted son Mitchell on eBay.
6\10\00 - 2:53 PM GMT
Great Minds Think Alike
Early this morning Baron Sexton Evillus III unveiled to the unsuspecting
public his diabolical plan to destroy the entire universe.
"By negatively stimulating the antimatter of a
single atom of Iridium, I will start a chain reaction
that will envelop the universe in flames! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!"
"Not so fast," countered Rev. Smith. "I
had this same plan many years ago, so just don't go
thinking your so original, OK?"
6\7\00 - 12:20 AM GMT
Smith talks to the hand
"Talk to the hand," advised many of Rev. Smith's closest associates
this past week, and on Tuesday morning, that's exactly
what he did. In a closed-door conference lasting nearly
17 and a half hours, Smith talked to the hand on issues
ranging from the resurgence of Underoos to the current
state of Hip-Hop music in France.
6\4\00 - 7:11 AM GMT
Wedding bells for Brad?
Rumors are running amuck that internet megastar Brad
may soon be ending his days of eligible bachelorhood.
So who's the lucky gal? Inside sources are naming Anna,
who is currently 25 years his younger. Anna & Brad
have shared a love/hate relationship over the past six
years, but have been pretty much inseparable since last
year's "naked party" during which Anna sprained
her ankle during a limbo contest, and was nursed back
to health by Brad.
6\1\00 - 5:31 PM GMT
Lard is good food
New findings in this month's Boston Medical Journal show that
a long-term diet of high-fat foods renders one nearly
impervious to all known diseases. Foods singled-out
for their beneficial effects included rich creamy ice
cream, chicken-fried steak with gravy, and buttered
cheese. "So long as you avoid taxing exercise that
strains your body," said one researcher, "such
a diet could render you nearly immortal."