- December 2005 -
3:29 PM GMT
America divided into shirts
President Bush today called on all Americans to
divide into shirts and skins for a nation-wide game
of pick-up basketball. Bush named himself and vice-president
Dick Cheney team captains and quickly began choosing
players. Bush, who will lead the shirts team, chose
Washington, DC, citizen Michael Jordan first, while
Cheney, who will lead the skins team, chose longtime
crony David J. Lesar, President and CEO of Halliburton
Enegry Services, who has no previous basketball experience.
Though many Americans are eagerly looking forward to
the game, approximately 32 million citizens admitted
they were worried about getting picked last.
9:37 PM GMT
Birth of Jesus Christ celebrated
of middle and upper class Americans marked the anniversary
of the Jesus Christ's birth today by exchanging gifts
with their fellow middle and upper class American friends
and loved ones, each happily giving to those who already
have plenty, and receiving gifts designed to make their
already cushy and extravagant lives slightly more cushy
and extravagant. Meanwhile billions of other human beings
struggled to survive another day without starving to
9:13 PM GMT
Smith sent on wild goose chase
In keeping with their annual
tradition, Rev. Smith's family sent him out on a wild
goose chase today. "Don't come back to the house
until you've secured us a wild goose for Christmas dinner,"
solemnly instructed his
grandfather. Smith dutifully
put on his hunting cap, equipped himself
with tazer gun and a net, and set out into sub-freezing
temperatures to scour area suburbs. The wild goose has
proven an elusive prey for Smith. He has yet to catch
one in his twenty-seven years of trying. Unwilling to
come back to his family empty-handed, Smith generally
waits until the day after Christmas to return home where
by this time he is often greeted by jubilant laughter
and wished better luck next year.
5:16 PM GMT
Story of Christmas is in stores now!
everyone knows the stories of Santa, Rudolph, Frosty
the Snowman, and Tim Allen. But did you know that Christmas
was once celebrated as the birthday of Jesus Christ?
Brick Testament: The Story of Christmas, renown
author Brendan Powell Smith retells this fascinating
and seldom-considered story using direct quotes from
the Bible and illustrations created entirely from LEGO
bricks. This handsome hardcover book makes a perfect
gift for anyone who need a gentle reminder of what makes
December 25 so special (Jesus and/or LEGOs, depending
on your beliefs).
4:04 PM GMT
A Christmas Story - free on DVD
going to be honest and tell you right now Vendetta:
A Christmas Story is the best holiday film that
has ever been made. If I didn't believe that will all
my heart, I would never have let Santa Claus boot me
in the sack like that. And now the only thing more explosively
awesome than Vendetta itself is the fact that director
and costar of the film, Jonathan Field, is giving away
free copies of the DVD to anyone who sends him a self-addressed
stamped envelope. Why? Because he's just that awesome.
So if you need a little something to jolt you into the
Christmas spirit this year, head on over to vendettachristmas.com,
relax, and just let the awesomeness wash over you.
10:57 AM GMT
Smith added to Hindu pantheon
has been said that Hinduism is a religion with 330 million
gods. Better make that 330,000,001. This week, The Rev.
Brendan Powell Smith was officially inducted to the
Hindu pantheon where he will be worshipped as a god
of iconoclasm. Indian president Amitabh Bachchan was
present this morning for the groundbreaking ceremony
of the first mandir devoted to Rev. Smith. While Smith
will be the primary deity, other gods will have smaller
shrines at the temple, including Hanuman,
For reasons as yet unclear, Smith will be depicted with
five faces and three arms, or alternatively represented
by a lingam.