- May 2001 -
5\31\01 - 8:09 PM GMT
Beam me up, Scott Bakula
The UPN network revealed today that The Rev. Brendan
Powell Smith will have a recurring role in their next
installment of the Star Trek saga, Enterprise, which
is currently in production and will premiere in Fall
of 2001. Not many details of Smith's character are known,
but it is rumored he will
be barely recognizable under several layers of prosthetics,
portraying an alien arch-nemesis of Captain Jonathan
Archer, played by veteran actor Scott Bakula.
5\27\01 - 5:32 PM GMT
Ever wish you could fry up a steak in less than
two seconds? Ever wonder why breaking cement blocks
with your head doesn't work?
Ever consider donating a limb to charity? Ever
try heating up a meal in your freezer? If you consider
yourself one of the 300 million Americans who answered
'yes' to any one of these questions, an amazing new
product from The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith will have
you stabbing yourself in ecstasy: it's the fabulous
new sCrotchalizer 9000!
5\23\01 - 9:49 PM GMT
Smith fails DNA test
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is in custody tonight
after failing a random DNA test to prove his own identity.
FBI agents raided Smith's house at approximately 2pm
today, and barraged him with questions while taking
blood, stool, urine, phlegm, and skin samples back with
them to the lab. "The DNA just does not match up
to our files," said one Agent Wilson. "It's
a particularly dangerous situation now, because although
this man appears to have Smith's blood, skin, stool,
urine and phlegm, we don't know exactly who we're dealing
5\20\01 - 10:40 AM GMT
Mideast peace proposal
At a news conference this morning, Rev. Smith outlined
a radical strategy to bring about peace between Israel
and Palestine. "I'm calling for the establishment
of a UN watchdog group to monitor any acts of violence
by either side in this conflict," read
Smith from a prepared statement. "Any time either
the Palestinians strike at one another, we must bomb
the shit out of both of them. For
it is only by the use of further escalated retaliatory
violence that we can hope to end to this vicous circle
5\14\01 - 12:32 PM GMT
Gummi statue unveiled
A statue of The
Rev. Brendan Powell Smith standing
4.3 meters tall, and
made entirely out of 'gummi' was unveiled today
in Antwerp, Belgium. "Today we honor a man who
has done much more for our people of than we could ever
have reasonably expected," noted Henrick Vooght,
a respected community leader. Constructed over the course
of several days, the statue is made from thousands upon
thousands of melted down gummi bears and assorted gummi
products, and is thought to have cost nearly US$250.
5\14\01 - 7:46 AM GMT
Less Filling / Tastes
Great issue resolved
It was one of the most bitterly disputed issues
of the 1980s, turning brother against brother, with
both sides of the debate firmly entrenched and unwilling
to yield even an inch to the opposition. Having spent
his childhood surrounded by this controversy, and after
years of exposure to polemic from either side, Rev.
Smith for the first time tried a Miller Lite last night,
and has weighed in on the matter with a decisive answer
which should forever resolve this issue. "It's
gotta be Less Filling," said Smith, "because
it sure as hell does not Taste Great. This stuff
tastes like piss water."
5\11\01 - 4:51 PM GMT
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is in the hospital
today suffering from a wrenched gut, an injury he sustained
yesterday morning when he received the news that longtime
friend and near-constant companion Chelsea Clinton was
not interested in him "in that way". The injury
was compounded when she proceeded to ask him about the
availability of an unnamed associate of Rev. Smith named
Michael Baer, who is believed to be a fellow student
at Stanford, and is indeed available.
5\8\01 - 10:09 AM GMT
Tony Danza: what's
he good for?
After a long career of playing characters named
Tony on TV shows such as "Taxi", "Who's
the Boss?", "Hudson Street", and the
ill-fated "The Tony Danza Show", it's been
a number of years since Americans have seen Tony Danza
on a regular basis, and people are beginning to ask
themselves and each other, "Tony Danza: what's
he good for?" Finally there is a website
which explores this question in as much detail as it
5\5\01 - 5:55 PM GMT
coming back into style
After over a decade of disuse, the word "ralph"
used to describe a long, loud belch, has unexpectedly
returned to mainstream popularity. "This is something
we've seen coming on the horizon for some time now,"
noted Dr. Yebec Chedyl a respected linguist from the
University of Detroit in Birmingham. "You know,
I was quite fond of 'ralph'," commented The Rev.
Brendan Powell Smith wistfully, "and was sad to
see it become so very unhip around the close of the
80s." He paused for a moment and then ralphed.
5\2\01 - 3:38 PM GMT
the game ranks in top 10
A recently published list of the top 10 best computer
games of the 20th century, as voted on by a consortium
of game developers, ranked Rev. Smith's BRAD:
the game in the number eight position, beating out
such classics as DOOM, Pac Man, and Street Fighter 2.
Edgeing out B:tG
were the following games: Civilization II, Sam &
Max Hit the Road, Elite, SimCity, Super Mario Bros.
3, and Frogger.