- January 2004 -
01\31\04 - 7:19 PM GMT
Brick Testament: reinforcements on the way
copies of Rev. Smith's hit book The
Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis arrived
in the US today from an overseas printer, and should
be replenishing retail stores soon. This second printing
brings the total number of copies of Smith's book in
print to 22,500. News of the new batch came as a relief
to many frantic booksellers who have been sold out of
the book for weeks. "For Christ's sake, we're dying
over here!" exclaimed one unnamed book store owner
via phone from Portland, OR, "Get those books over
here before the whole place is overrun!" He later
called back to add, "too late!!!"
01\26\04 - 11:40 AM GMT
unveils 32-blade razor
the ante in the ongoing "razor war" between
industry giants Gillette and Schick, the Gillette Shaving
Co. today unveiled their latest product, a 32-blade
disposable shaver. The new Gillette Shavinator™
provides "a maximum shave" says the company's
press release, and arrives in stores this week, a mere
two months after the introduction of Schick's 16-razor
Already under development by Schick is a highly experimental
64-blade disposal razor currently code named "commodore".
Many experts believe that shaving technology will continue
to double the amount of blades per shaving device every
four months until at least 2011.
01\18\03 - 7:46 AM GMT
the start of another presidential election year here
in the US, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith once again
offers his brief guide to America's major political
parties. Feel free to print this guide and take it with
you to the voting booth:
Democratic Party is in favor of democracy.
The Republican Party is
in favor of republics.
The Independent Party is in favor
of independence from Great Britain.
The Green Party is in favor of the
01\14\03 - 6:55 PM GMT
Hooked on trimethylxanthine
Smith today confirmed rumors that he is hooked on a
drug called trimethylxanthine (or "tri" as
it is known on the street). An addictive stimulant,
trimethylxanthine affects the brain using the same mechanisms
as cocaine and heroin. In its pure form, trimethylxanthine
is a white crystalline powder, but is
usually ingested into the body in the form of a heated
black liquid or a syrupy confectionary beverage. It
is believed that as much as 90% of Americans use "tri"
on a daily basis, and 50% ingest at least 300mg per
day. Like many, Smith says he is at a point where he
can "barely function without it". Smith currently
has no plans to seek help concerning his addiction.
More information on trimethylxanthine
can be found here.
01\09\04 - 1:32 AM GMT
Brick Testament of selling out was totally right.
Rev. Smith's book, which received a flood of press coverage
just before the winter holidays, has become exceedingly
hard to find. While sites like Amazon
await the arrival of a second printing due sometime
this month, impatient consumers have scoured brick and
mortar stores, searching for the last few copies left
scarcity has driven up prices on the second hand market,
with the book now going for as much as $24.56 on Half.com
and $43.96 on Amazon.
01\05\04 - 12:20 PM GMT
Bush today officially ceded victory to the terrorists.
"Look at us," said Bush, "paranoid, hassling
grandmothers at airports, randomly checking for dirty
bombs in major cities. Clearly, life has never gone
'back to normal' since 9/11, and so I hereby announce
a unilateral surrender. The terrorists have truly already
won." Transfer of power will take place over the
coming weeks, with Osama Bin Laden ready to take control
of the new regime. A newly freed Saddam Hussein is expected
to be tapped as his second-in-command, and the nation
to be redubbed the United States of Al Qaeda.