- February 2001 -
2\27\01 - 5:16 PM GMT
Smith "stoned on
Revising an earlier official statement that he is "high
on life", Rev. Smith today announced that it is
more accurate to say that he is "stoned on life".
Rather than a providing him with a euphoric adrenaline
rush akin to dropping ecstasy, life has been providing
Smith a natural mellow, sleepy confusion in which things
seem funnier than they really are.
2\22\01 - 2:22 AM GMT
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was hoodwinked today,
hornswoggled and duped by those he trusted, and made
to play the fool. No small amount of face was
lost, and some see Smith's reputation as irrevocably
sullied, his character besmirched, and his good name
forever tarnished. As a further indignity, Tony
Danza has stopped taking his calls.
2\19\01 - 9:45 PM GMT
Smith diagnosed with
A regular checkup brought unexpected and traumatic news
today as Rev. Smith was diagnosed with Sudden Infant
Death Syndrome. Only the fourteenth adult to ever test
positive for SIDS, Smith immediately became a celebrity
spokesperson. "There is no known cure for SIDS,"
said Smith gravely on national television, "so
I'm pretty screwed." Doctors believe Smith's sudden
death could happen at any time within the next 70-80
2\16\01 - 11:39 PM GMT
Dinosaurs of Rock tour
the wildly successful Monsters of Rock '89, Van Halen
will be headlining another stadium tour of topnotch
hard rock acts this summer. Already pledging to join
them are veterans The Scorpions and Dokken, plus a reunited
Kingdom Come. "We've gotta show some of these new
so-called rock bands out there like Pearl Jam or Poison
how to really rock," said bassist Jeff Pilson of
Dokken. The pressure is on for Van Halen to find a new
lead singer before the tour kicks off in May. "We
wanted that guy from Journey," said Alex Van Halen,
"but I guess he quit singing a few years back.
I dunno, maybe Phil Collins is available?"
2\13\01 - 3:03 PM GMT
BRAD: the game
Rev. Smith's endearing and infamous semi-fictional
homage to his family, BRAD:
the game, passed the 125,000 hit marker early this
morning. When asked why this personal, touching choose-your-own-adventure
style web-based game which was originally written only
for friends and family to enjoy has become such an astounding
popular web phenomenon, Smith replied, "I have
2\10\01 - 12:29 PM GMT
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was in Finland today
to officiate the 93rd annual Salad Toss festivities
in Helsinki. Hundreds of contestants from all across
Scandinavia were drawn to the event in which Børjiik
Öråg was widely expected to trounce his own 1974 world
record of 27.18 decameters. Tragically a last
minute shaving accident kept Öråg out of the competition.
Rumors of foul play abound.
2\7\01 - 9:36 PM GMT
warming news welcomed
Today's news from the international scientific community on the certainty
of a coming "global warming" was heartily
welcomed today by the millions of Earth's citizens living
in the planet's coldest climates. A coalition
of Canadians, Icelanders, Siberians, and even some New
Englanders celebrated today's news by leaving their
cars running all day, and spraying aerosol cans into
the air with abandon.
2\4\01 - 7:57 AM GMT
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was late for church this morning -- about
thirteen years too late. Having not set foot in a house
of worship in over a decade after untold years of unrepentant
sinning and a rejection of Jesus as his savior, Rev.
Smith will surely not be forgiven by our all-merciful
Father in heaven, but instead is doomed to be cast in
a pit of burning flames by God upon death.
2\2\01 - 3:19 AM GMT
In the dawn hours of the early morning, a groundhog poked his head out
of the ground in Pennsylvania and saw his shadow, indicating
six more weeks of winter. Hours later, giraffe
pooped under a tree in Africa, indicating a successful
hunting season to come. In the evening, a major
earthquake hit India, indicating death, pain, and misery