- June 2002 -
6\28\02 - 11:29 AM GMT
falls of face of Earth
Whilst out for a routine stroll around the block
this morning, Rev. Smith accidentally tripped on a discarded
fax machine and went tumbling right off the face of
the Earth. This is the third time such an event has
happened to him this week and scientists are working
around the clock to understand why it is that gravity
does not appear to be holding Smith down as well as
it should, but so far have made little progress. In
the meantime they are urging Smith to put on an extra
50 to 60 lbs. to keep himself a little better anchored.
6\23\02 - 3:18 PM GMT
Pledge of Allegiance debate resolved
The uproar caused this week by a federal court's
ruling that the words "under God" make the
reciting of the Pledge of Allegiance in public schools
unconstitutional was finally laid to rest today with
Rev. Smith's elegant solution to the problem. Congress
is widely expected to quickly pass a resolution in support
of Smith's proposal that the words "or not"
be inserted into the pledge just after "under God"
in order to please both sides of the debate. Smith's
further proposal that "or not" also be added
after the word "indivisible" was resolutely
rejected as too goddamn wishy-washy.
6\19\02 - 11:55 PM GMT
The staff at the famously posh NYC eatery La
Snüterié were thrown for a loop this
evening after Rev. Smith requested steak "cordon
bleu". Rather than risk offense by informing Smith
that such a dish does not exist, the waiter dutifully
reported Smith's exact order to the head chef who briefly
debated what course of action to take. "I considered
just putting a little blue ribbon on top of his steak,"
said Reynaldo Baines, "since that what 'cordon
bleu' literally means, but in the end, I decided to
stuff the steak with ham and cheese, bread the whole
thing and sauté
it." Smith seemed quite pleased with the results,
staying at the restaurant for dessert, whereupon he
requested his vanilla ice cream come "à
6\15\02 - 4:19 PM GMT
After polishing up an old lamp in his attic, Rev.
Smith was briefly stricken this week with a condition
known in medical circles as "the Midas touch"
in which everything the sufferer touches turns instantly
into pure gold. A boon to the victim at first, the condition
generally has unforeseen catastrophic consequences.
Within minutes after being stricken Smith had become
the world's richest man, but by the end of the second
day, Smith had touched so many things that gold itself
became massively devalued, becoming worth less than
aluminum foil. Smith was miraculously cured from the
condition after drinking a can of OK Soda.
6\11\02 - 11:34 AM GMT
The current issue of Time
magazine includes a small feature on the new popularity
of LEGO among adults. Prominently mentioned is The Rev.
Brendan Powell Smith's The
Brick Testament, and the image accompanying the
piece is his rendition of The Last Supper in LEGO. The
story can be found of page 16 of the 17 June 2002 issue,
under the 'New Trends' heading, just beneath the story
about dogs on prozac.
6\07\02 - 9:51 PM GMT
Several tabloids this week are reporting that former
first daughter Chelsea Clinton is secretly pregnant,
but the issue which remains unanswered is just whose
baby she is carrying. Many were quick to suspect our
own Rev. Smith of being the father, despite his claims
of having gotten a vasectomy back in 1997 to prevent
just such a state of events from ever coming about.
Also toward the top of the list of suspects is Chelsea
current beau Ian Klaus.
6\03\02 - 4:49 AM GMT
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith embarks today on
a two week tour of the United States with the sole purpose
of boosting his already over-inflated sense of self-worth.
At each stop of his journey, Smith will be greeted by
throngs of ardent supporters and crowds of screaming
fans, eager to sing his praises, and willing to completely
overlook his shortcomings. When Smith's personal doctor
warned that such a trip could lead to a potentially
fatal case of megalomania, Smith replied, "I could
crush you with a flick of my pinky."