- March 2000 -
3\31\00 - 2:33 PM GMT
Alliance of scary monsters attacks
The intergalactic alliance of scary monsters attacked Earth this morning
causing upwards of $43 million trillion dollars in damages.
The havoc began at the crack of dawn as the tag team
of Krogg!!! and Xelthux leveled downtown Manhattan.
By noontime, Verminator 7 had destroyed much of Western
Europe, and the sinister Soupy was responsible for Taiwan
colliding with India. As of 2pm, the dreadful beast
known as Borgar was reportedly somewhere in the Australian
desert, lost and getting lonely.
3\27\00 - 3:15 PM GMT
Rod Stewart issues apology
A long and bitter feud was one step closer to coming to an end today
as singer Rod Stewart issued an apology to The
Rev. Brendan Powell Smith for all past grievances. But
experts are unsure how Smith will react to this most
recent gesture. "I can never forgive that man for
the harm he has brought upon me, my family, and the
League of Women Voters," Smith was quoted as saying
as recently as last week. Stewart is 55 years old.
3\25\00 - 1:26 AM GMT
That old familiar feeling greeted Rev. Smith today for the umpteenth
time in recent days: failure. This time it was of the
complete and utter variety, a particularly potent strain,
but one to which Smith has grown accustomed to. "I
really, really tried this time," moped a crestfallen
Smith before slumping over dejectedly. Smith will try
3\22\00 - 4:45 PM GMT
Only 30 days to spend $30 million
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith's uncle had just died, leaving him a huge
inheritance - but there's just one catch: a codicil
in his will states that Smith will only get his full
$300 million inheritance if he can first spend $30 million
in just 30 days without giving any money away or buying
gifts for others - and if he fails, he keeps nothing.
Reportedly, Smith intends to start buying lots of LEGO.
3\19\00 - 3:18 AM GMT
the game outlawed in Red Oak
The small Virginia community of Red Oak today voted to ban BRAD:
the game. The move comes after two seven-year-old
boys were found passed out next to their computer after
an all-night session of playing the computer game. "One
of them was dressed up like a monkey," stated the
horrified mother of one of the boys, "and the other
had put lettuce in his pajamas."
3\14\00 - 11:12 AM GMT
Corpses piling up
Workers are stacking dead bodies on top of each other around the clock
today in an attempt to clear the way for the next load
of bodies which is expect to arrive late this afternoon.
"We're really running out of space here,"
said one worker, "that's probably our number one
problem right now - after the stench." The giant
pile of corpses now spans over 37 square miles and is
200 meters high in parts - with no likely end in sight.
3\11\00 - 3:41 PM GMT
up for Internet Film award
A holiday classic in its own time, Vendetta:
A Christmas Story, has been nominated under
the category of Best
New Talent in the International
Internet Film Festival which is being held in Lille,
France this week. Vendetta,
which was written by and stars our very own Rev. Brendan
Powell Smith, is reportedly very well liked among the
3\9\00 - 7:27 PM GMT
Smith toy recalled in US
The recently released Rev. Brendan Powell Smith action figure which features
a head that shoots across the room has been recalled
by the manufacturer today after numerous consumer complaints
caused many retailers like Wal-Mart and Target stores
to refuse to carry it. The head-firing toy has become
an instant collector's item and is quickly selling out
at stores in Europe and Asia where it is still available.
3\6\00 - 11:33 AM GMT
Date with Chelsea goes poorly
A date with Cheslea Clinton went poorly for Rev. Smith this past
weekend. The two longtime friends got together on Saturday
and, at Smith's insistance, went to his place and watched
the Disney Channel original movie My Date with the
President's Daughter (starring Dabney Coleman).
"The movie was pretty cool," said Smith, "but
afterward, she just kept talking about her ex-boyfriend
Baer. Then she went home early to do some homework."
3\2\00 - 5:24 PM GMT
Smith sighted in Toronto, Canada
Police have been put on alert, the mayor has been notified, and local
fondue restaurants are closing early today after several
reports of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith roaming the
city. One report had him strumming guitar on the observation
deck of the CN Tower while another had him sipping coffee
at the Future Bakery downtown. Not all citizens, however,
are convinced of the accuracy of these reports. "What
we are dealing with here is an imposter," remarked Jayson Levesque, "or perhaps a skilled and coordinated
team of impostors."