- January 2000 -
1\29\00 - 5:150 AM GMT
Smith joins forces with Van Halen
Legendary rockers Van Halen today
stunned the music community by annoucing that their
new lead singer is none other than our very own Rev.
Brendan Powell Smith. The announcement came
amidst rumours that former frontman David
Lee Roth had rejoined the band. Smith is the
fourth lead singer the band has had. "Shit,"
commented Roth upon hearing the news. "Fuck, fuck,
shit, goddamnit... dammit. Motherfucker..."
1\26\00 - 7:37 PM GMT
deemed "Kool" by Spin.com
Self-appointed arbitors of cool, Spin.com
today recognized Rev. Smith's creation BRAD:
the game in their "Kool
Thing" section of their website. Noted one
twenty-something hipster: "BtG used to be cool
when nobody else knew about it except me and a couple
of my friends, but now it's, like, totally sold out
1\23\00 - 8:42 AM GMT
Help is on the way
OK, look just stay calm. It won't do us any good to start panicking.
I know things look really bad right now, but I just
know that help is on the way. We've been gone a long
time now, and people are going to come looking for us.
It's just a matter of time. Here, help me find my leg.
1\19\00 - 8:42 AM GMT
Rev. Smith: bald once again
According to the latest update of Rev. Smith's vital
statistics, he is bald once again. Baldness has
struck Smith on two previous occasions in his adult
life. He first found himself in this condition in May
of 1996, and then again in October of 1998. "Interesting,"
noted one local expert.
1\15\00 - 7:51 PM GMT
"Shooting people is fun"
An H-Net/Fritz media poll of average Americans released today found that,
among other things, 68% think that "shooting people
is fun", 76% believe "other countries suck",
and 85% would gladly "beat the shit out of just
about anybody who pissed me off." The poll has
margin of error of plus or minus 2%.
1\11\00 - 12:17 PM GMT
Smith strikes a pose, vogues
In a moment of uncharacteristic showmanship this afternoon, Rev. Smith
suddenly and without warning struck a pose and proceeded
to vogue for the next three and a half minutes. Asked
what his future plans are, Smith said, "Tonight
I shall wang chung, probably until I pass out."
1\8\00 - 5:31 PM GMT
New head unveiled
Rev. Smith's brand new head was on display today for the press and interested
on-lookers. There were many 'oohs' and 'aahs' heard
throughout the crowd, and yet some remained unimpressed.
"I don't see what all this hubbub is about,"
noted one media pundit, "it's virtually indestinguishable
from his previous head."
1\5\00 - 8:19 PM GMT
& DEATH in critics' Top 10 worldwide
Even as Smith undergoes massive head-reconstructive surgery at a secret
underground hospital in Quebec, Canada, his 1999 album
& DEATH is being hailed as "stupendous"
and "fascinating" by critics from Moscow to
Japan, making no less than 18 Top Ten albums of the
year lists in major publications across the globe.
1\2\00 - 1:13 AM GMT
Smith's head explodes
After a night of running around half-crazed with smoke pouring out of
his ears, experts thought Rev. Smith had gone through
the worst of his Y2K bug-related problems. But they
were wrong. At approximately 12:04 AM GMT, Smith's head
blew up. "It's a pretty messy situation right now,"
admitted George Stephanopolus. "We're calling in
head, nose, and ass doctors from across the globe to
see what can be done."
1\1\00 - 11:59 PM GMT
Y2K hits Smith hard
While most of the world seems to have gotten through the first day of
the new millennium without major catastrophe, the Rev.
Brendan Powell Smith is reportedly a mess. "It
started right at midnight," said one stunned onlooker,
"he suddenly froze-up. And then smoke started pouring
from his ears, and was running around crazed."
"It could have been worse," says Dr. Thadeus
Black of Flint, MI, "his head could have blown