- January 2002 -
1\27\02 - 1:48 AM GMT
features The Brick Testament
on page 41 of the February issue of SPIN magazine (with
KISS on the cover) for a full-page feature on Rev. Smith's
The Brick Testament website. The article incorrectly
lists thereverend.com as the address for The
Brick Testament, but clicking anywhere on this paragraph
will bring you directly to The Brick Testament. Enjoy.
1\23\02 - 3:52 PM GMT
sky is falling
Scientists are reporting today strong evidence
to support the age-old theory that the sky is indeed
falling. "After eons of remaining stationary, the
sky has been moving steadily lower, and is now at an
alarmingly low altitude above earth," explained
Professor Melvin Shanks of Cornell. A rival theory published
in the Canadian Journal of Science posits that the sky
continues to remain stationary while the earth has recently
been expanding outward. What both theories agree upon,
however, is that humans are positively to blame for
1\19\02 - 9:28 AM GMT
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has recently been
spotted in the company of a girl 26 years his younger.
It is further reported that he has been secretly removing
items from the cage-like structure in which she resides.
Stolen items to date include a rattle, a plush doll,
and a pacifier. Asked how he could do such a thing,
Smith said, "It's just so easy - like taking candy
from a baby."
1\15\02 - 9:28 AM GMT
takes candy from baby
In a move that has sharply divided critics, Smith
yesterday took candy from a baby. He then ate the candy
as the baby looked on, weeping loudly. "With this
seemingly abhorrent act," noted a local anesthesiologist,
"Smith has actually reached out compassionately,
saving this child from the dangers of tooth decay and
potential obesity, while taking on these risks for himself."
Said another local passerby, "what an asshole."
1\11\02 - 9:28 AM GMT
of men are homosexual
A new study published today by the Kinsey Institute
reveals the surprising statistic that 100% of all men
are homosexual. This new finding updates the long held
belief that gays counted for a mere 10% of the general
population. "According to our findings," explained
Dr. Yung Moustaff, "the old 10% statistic only
covers those men who are openly gay. We now believe
that the other 90% are either 'in the closet' or in
an unhealthy state of denial." Also revealed in
the study is that only 1 in 20 men have ever masturbated
1\7\02 - 2:45 PM GMT
eaten alive by Christians
Police are investigating an act of apparent cannibalism
at a local church where it is believed a man was eaten
alive during a ritual ceremony on Sunday morning. The
name of the victim has not yet been revealed, but several
eyewitness accounts report that a white male in his
early thirties was consumed by those in attendance,
his flesh eaten, and the his blood passed around in
a cup for all to drink. It is not yet known whether
this incident is related to other acts of cannibalism
that have been reported taking place at Christian churches
in other areas over the past 2,000 years.
1\2\02 - 10:14 PM GMT
In an unprecedented act of unity and conformity,
the world's critics today came to a universal agreement.
"I can't think of any other occasion on which all
of us have come to such 100% complete agreement,"
said a visibly excited Roger Ebert of the Chicago
Sun Times. "This is truly a momentous occasion,"
agreed Rex Reed of the New York Observer, "every
one of us is in agreement here." Asked if he agrees,
noted film critic Leonard Maltin said, "yes."