- May 2002 -

Wednesday 5\29\02 - 8:03 AM GMT
New look, new stories at Brick Testament
Rev. Smith's The Brick Testament website was updated today with eight new stories from the Old Testament. Returning visitors will notice the site's new convenient new layout with stories organized into biblical books, and a "latest additions" link to take you to the newest illustrated stories. Also worth noting is the peppy new Brick Testament logo which you can now find on an assortment of crappy, overpriced merchandise you're sure to love.

Sunday 5\26\02 - 3:46 PM GMT
UN creates Native American 'Homeland'
Seeing its great success with Israel, the United Nations voted overwhelmingly today to create a new nation for the various Native American tribes living in North America. The new nation, known as Homeland, becomes the largest in the world, taking up 98% of the land area of what was once The United States and Canada. The former residents of these two former nations are eligible for free deportation or are welcome two stay in the country, living at designated "reservation" areas in the deserts of Arizona and New Mexico. The near-unanimous UN vote was objected to by only two nations, the US and Canada.

Thursday 5\23\02 - 6:52 PM GMT
Smith dismissed from military service
Though never having enlisted nor served his country, the United States military today issued The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith an honorary dishonorable discharge. "For hypothetical acts unbecoming of a soldier of the United States Armed Forces that it is assumed you would have undertaken had you ever been one," read the engraved inscription on the plaque that was handed to Smith at a brief ceremony at West Point attended by Vice President Dick Cheney and comedian Carrot Top.

Sunday 5\19\02 - 5:10 AM GMT
The Brick Testament at a million
Just eight months after its launch, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith's The Brick Testament website has vaulted past the one million hits milestone by which all websites are judged. "All websites that have not received a million hits are total worthless crap," announced a spokesperson for Rev. Smith. Fans of the website who gathered this morning outside Smith's residence in hopes of congratulating him in person were cruelly driven away by men armed with erasable pens.

Wednesday 5\15\02 - 8:26 PM GMT
Larceny!
The statute of limitations for his crimes now expired, Rev. Smith revealed to the press today that he is a former larcenist, having committed many acts of larceny during the years 1996 and 1997. Most of these acts, said Smith, who was unemployed at the time, were to make possible the filming of his 1997 movie Vendetta: A Christmas Story, which has become a much beloved amateur film since its 1999 release on the internet.

Saturday 5\11\02 - 11:15 PM GMT
Garbanzos on the gazebo
Rev. Smith spent the better half of a lazy Saturday morning sitting outside on the gazebo eating garbanzo beans. Around noon he retired to the living room where he ate some gazpacho and pistachios while watching Pinocchio. In the evening he listened to Krokus in his Ford Focus, and when he had had quite enough, he scurried on home for some curried bread crumbs; now he's sleeping and won't wake up.

Tuesday 5\7\02 - 11:40 AM GMT
Smith denies being a Honky
Allegations of having spent the early 90s in a white rap group were vehemently denied by Rev. Smith at a press concurrence this morning. For months rumors have circulated that Smith closely resembles The Reverend, a member of the now defunct rap outfit the 3 HONKEES who scored a minor hit in 1992 with their song Kill Da Bitch, but were quickly dismissed after their 1994 movie debut. Repeatedly questioned on the matter, Smith became indignant, asking reporters, "How could I be a honky when I'm albino black?"

Friday 5\3\02 - 9:34 PM GMT
You can help suicide bombers
After a suicide bomber blows himself up, there is little that anyone can do to help him. But a recent study suggests that most suicide bombers give signs of their impending action before taking it. If someone you know is talking -- even joking -- about becoming a suicide bomber, take them seriously and try to get them to see a qualified counselor. It is estimated that for every successful suicide bombing reported in the news, there are ten unsuccessful suicide bombing attempts. One in five US adults has considered becoming a suicide bomber at some point in their lives.