- May 2002 -
5\29\02 - 8:03 AM GMT
look, new stories at Brick
Rev. Smith's The
Brick Testament website was updated today with eight
new stories from the Old Testament. Returning visitors
will notice the site's new convenient new layout with
stories organized into biblical books, and a "latest
additions" link to take you to the newest illustrated
stories. Also worth noting is the peppy new Brick
Testament logo which you can now find on an assortment
of crappy, overpriced merchandise you're sure to love.
5\26\02 - 3:46 PM GMT
creates Native American 'Homeland'
Seeing its great success with Israel, the United
Nations voted overwhelmingly today to create a new nation
for the various Native American tribes living in North
America. The new nation, known as Homeland, becomes
the largest in the world, taking up 98% of the land
area of what was once The United States and Canada.
The former residents of these two former nations are
eligible for free deportation or are welcome two stay
in the country, living at designated "reservation"
areas in the deserts of Arizona and New Mexico. The
near-unanimous UN vote was objected to by only two nations,
the US and Canada.
5\23\02 - 6:52 PM GMT
dismissed from military service
Though never having enlisted nor served his country,
the United States military today issued The Rev. Brendan
Powell Smith an honorary dishonorable discharge. "For
hypothetical acts unbecoming of a soldier of the United
States Armed Forces that it is assumed you would have
undertaken had you ever been one," read the engraved
inscription on the plaque that was handed to Smith at
a brief ceremony at West Point attended by Vice President
Dick Cheney and comedian Carrot Top.
5\19\02 - 5:10 AM GMT
Brick Testament at a million
Just eight months after its launch, The Rev. Brendan
Powell Smith's The
Brick Testament website has vaulted past the one
million hits milestone by which all websites are judged.
"All websites that have not received a million
hits are total worthless crap," announced a spokesperson
for Rev. Smith. Fans of the website who gathered this
morning outside Smith's residence in hopes of congratulating
him in person were cruelly driven away by men armed
with erasable pens.
5\15\02 - 8:26 PM GMT
The statute of limitations for his crimes now expired,
Rev. Smith revealed to the press today that he is a
former larcenist, having committed many acts of larceny
during the years 1996 and 1997. Most of these acts,
said Smith, who was unemployed at the time, were to
make possible the filming of his 1997 movie Vendetta:
A Christmas Story, which has become a much beloved
amateur film since its 1999 release on the internet.
5\11\02 - 11:15 PM GMT
on the gazebo
Rev. Smith spent the better half of a lazy Saturday
morning sitting outside on the gazebo eating garbanzo
beans. Around noon he retired to the living room where
he ate some gazpacho and pistachios while watching Pinocchio.
In the evening he listened to Krokus in his Ford Focus,
and when he had had quite enough, he scurried on home
for some curried bread crumbs; now he's sleeping and
won't wake up.
5\7\02 - 11:40 AM GMT
denies being a Honky
Allegations of having spent the early 90s in a
white rap group were vehemently denied by Rev. Smith
at a press concurrence this morning. For months rumors
have circulated that Smith closely resembles The Reverend,
a member of the now defunct rap outfit the 3
HONKEES who scored a minor hit in 1992 with their
song Kill Da Bitch, but were quickly dismissed after
their 1994 movie debut. Repeatedly questioned on the
matter, Smith became indignant, asking reporters, "How
could I be a honky when I'm albino black?"
5\3\02 - 9:34 PM GMT
can help suicide bombers
After a suicide bomber blows himself up, there
is little that anyone can do to help him. But a recent
study suggests that most suicide bombers give signs
of their impending action before taking it. If someone
you know is talking -- even joking -- about becoming
a suicide bomber, take them seriously and try to get
them to see a qualified counselor. It is estimated that
for every successful suicide bombing reported in the
news, there are ten unsuccessful suicide bombing attempts.
One in five US adults has considered becoming a suicide
bomber at some point in their lives.