- April 2003 -
4\27\03 - 10:14 PM GMT
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was all smiles today
from the moment he awoke until he retired for the night.
Everyone he met was greeted with a grin, and his upbeat
demeanor caught many of his associates off-guard. By
day's end, his constantly beaming visage had polarized
onlookers. "That guy is really starting to creep
me out," said Betty, 25. "Is he selling something?"
asked Dan, 29, "he must be selling something."
Others disagreed: "No," said William, 28,
"I think he's just happy."
Wednesday 4\23\03 - 11:09 AM GMT
worse than the disease
At a somber press conference today, top US scientists
announced that a cure for the deadly SARS virus has
been found, but also that the cure is far, far worse
than the disease. Spokesperson and former US Surgeon
General C. Everett Koop explained: "Without our
treatment, there is a decent chance that a young and
otherwise healthy SARS victim will recover. But after
ingesting this newly developed serum, the patient, though
fully and immediately cured of SARS, will quickly devolve
into a mutant zombie killing-machine that can respawn
Saturday 4\19\033 - 6:30AM GMT
In what is being hailed as a great victory for
the Recording Industry Association of America, all forms
of sharing have been declared illegal today by the US
Supreme Court. The sweeping landmark decision effectively
outlaws everything from controversial internet song-swapping,
to letting a friend borrow your comb. "When you
buy something, it is yours and nobody else's,"
said RIAA head Hilary Rosen. "Even if you like
someone and they ask very politely, under no circumstances
should anything be shared with anyone. This is the moral
standard we have upheld today, and can proudly pass
on to our children's generation."
Tuesday 4\15\03 - 1:58 PM GMT
future to end soon
According to experts, the the foreseeable future
will end on June 16, 2003. On that date, all previous
plans and prospective outlooks that have invoked the
phrase "for the foreseeable future" will become
effectively moot, and according to noted
chronologist Timothy Etravel, "all bets will be
off." The foreseeable future
began on February 3, 1999. "Even back then, we
knew it would only last about four years," said
Etravel, "yet it still comes as a bit of a shock
to us now to realize how close we are to the end."
Looking ahead, Etravel advised, "there is no real
reason to worry. Everything should be continuing on
pretty much as normal, at least, that is, for the foreseeable
Friday 4\11\03 - 7:29 PM GMT
on Iraq: a game or not?
With the fall of Baghdad to US forces, Iraq's UN
ambassador Mohammed Al-Douri declared on Wednesday that
"the game is over". Asked to respond to Al-Douri's
comment, US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said:
"Well, I would say it wasn't a game, first."
Then today the US Defense Department issued a custom
deck of playing cards to thousands of US troops in Iraq,
each card bearing the face of an Iraqi senior official
the US wants pursued, captured, or killed. Commented
one US defense official, "Clearly this is one game
in which we will end up holding the ace of spades."
Wednesday 4\9\03 - 3:33 PM GMT
declares childbirth immoral
Reversing the Vatican's long-held stance against
all artificial forms of birth-control, Pope John Paul
II today publicly denounced the practice of human reproduction.
"To bring a new child into this morally-deprived world
is in itself a morally-drepived act," said the aging
pontiff. "If we all stop having children starting today,
we can bring about the end of this sinful race within
one hundred and twenty years." The pope went on to explain
that the church's former pro-procreation stance had
been based on a misinterpretation of scripture. "The
'go forth and multiply' command was given to Noah and
his three sons -- not to everybody. Sorry for the confusion."
Saturday 4\5\03 - 9:49 PM GMT
purchases death bed
While furniture shopping for his new home today,
Rev. Smith made what may well be one of the most significant
furniture-related purchases of his life: his death bed.
"As soon as I saw it," said a still-excited Smith, "I
knew this would be the bed I would die in." Smith went
on to show off the many finer points of the bed. "It's
a Cal-King, which means they'll be plenty of room for
people to sit at my bedside and mourn," said Smith.
"Plus it's longer than a traditional king-size, so I
can really stretch out." Though Smith does not foresee
his own death anytime in the near future, he takes great
comfort by the fact that when it comes, he "will be
enjoying the unparalleled luxury of the CloudNine® patented Sleep System
Tuesday 4\1\03 - 2:21 AM GMT
anti-Freedom sentiment grows
Beginning with newly rechristened "Freedom Fries"
in the US House of Representatives cafeteria, a wave
of anti-Freedomism has swept across the nation in response
to that country's lack of support for the US-led invasion
of Iraq. On Monday, the US government ordered all globes
and world maps to be recalled so that the country of
Freedom can re-labelled. "We choose to take the high
road in this matter," commented US president Bush, "It
is only by changing what we call those naysaying foreigners
that we can maturely teach them a lesson. If the people
of Freedom are going to be anti-US, then you can bet
the people of the US will just as surely be anti-Freedom."