- November 2005 -
11:45 PM GMT
Thanksgiving with the Indians
Three hundred and eighty-four
years ago, William Bradford celebrated a feast with
his fellow pilgrims and the Massasoit Indians. This
year, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith carried on his ancestor's
tradition by sharing a holiday feast with a different
set of Indians located on the opposite side of the globe.
And while the menu was a bit nontraditional (his hosts
thought "turkey" was a prepared dish, not
an animal), the sentiment of goodwill and thankful appreciation
was very much the same. And following the meal, Rev.
Smith enjoyed his traditional nap, face-down in a bowl
of mashed-potatoes (though this year it was aloo gobi).
3:19 PM GMT
quells rioting in France
After two weeks of riots
in France, Rev. Smith was flown to Paris today to hammer
out a compromise between thousands of disaffected, unemployed,
second-generation immigrant suburban youths and the
French government, widely seen as discriminatory and
anti-immigration. Smith's proposal calls for a massive
building project that will provide jobs for 200,000
unskilled and semiskilled laborers. That project is
a massive 50-meter high wall around France which would
deter further immigration. The French government was
quick to accept the plan, with prime minister Villepin
noting that a side benefit of such a wall would be to
"repel a German invasion, should the occasion arise."
10:34 PM GMT
lacks fat rap star
With oil prices soaring,
the economy stagnant, and the country bogged down in
a overseas war, now more than ever the times call for
a fat rap star to take our minds off our problems so
we can instead listen to the problems of a fat rap star
set to tight beats. While the 1980s gave us The Fat
Boys and Heavy D, and the early 90s produced Sir Mix-a-Lot
and Bizmarkie, ever since the deaths of Notorious B.I.G.
and Big Pun at the end of the millennium, America has
gone without (even though some dope-ass rap names like
"Ova-w8" or "Obese" go unclaimed).
While some think D12's Bizarre
may be the answer to our prayers, others are putting
their hope in Dr Dre gaining another 50 pounds and releasing
a comeback album, born again as a fat rapper.
7:26 PM GMT
Let my people come.
Rev. Smith is working on
a screenplay for a Bible-themed porn movie to be released
called Sexodus. The plot
is what Smith has deemed "historical friction".
Set in an ancient Egypt with a rapidly multiplying slave
population, Pharaoh Ramses has outlawed orgasms among
the Hebrews, and put them into forced labor erecting
massive black obelisks. When all hope seems lost, along
come two men: Moses, who takes his commands from a burning
bush, and Aaron, whose staff can work miracles. God
himself steps into the fray, afflicting the Egyptians
with ten STDs, and after penetrating the Red Sea, He
celebrates victory by raining down manna from heaven
for all the people to swallow.