- June 2003 -
6\27\03 - 4:24 AM GMT
in the West are aware that ritual genital mutilation
is practiced by certain African cultures, but a shocking
new study by the New England Journal of Medicine
reveals that the practice of genital mutilation
is just as common right here in the United States. According
to the study, up to 64% of healthy US male infants have
a section of their penis surgically removed shortly
after birth, long before any sense of reasonable informed
consent could be hoped for. And because this medically
unnecessary procedure is often done with the express
consent of the infant's parents, psychologists fear
that such early childhood trauma can lead to a lifelong
sense of mistrust and apprehension.
6\23\03 - 7:31 PM GMT
down The Law
Brick Testament updates today with the first four
illustrated stories in a brand new section of the website
Law. Here you will find many of God's laws and commandments,
as dictated to Moses, thoughtfully illustrated in easy-to-follow
instructions. Know them. Study them. Meditate on them.
And fret not, there will be many more to come in the
weeks ahead. So keep your pants on.
6\19\03 - 4:47 AM GMT
Smith's dead body
Rev. Smith announced today that the only way he
will be attending his own funeral is "over my dead
body". An outraged Smith made it clear that, so
long as he has a breath of life left in him, he will
take whatever measures are necessary to avoid attending
his own funerary services. "Some people might fancy
the idea of attending their own burial or memorial service,
but not me," said Smith, "No way. I'll die
before I let that happen."
6\15\03 - 8:19 PM GMT
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today delivered the
commencement address to the graduating class of 230
students at the local F. J. Montgomery Senior High School.
Entitled Never Stop Dreaming, his speech was
intended to be both inspiring and instructional. "For
one to truly 'never stop dreaming'," explained
Smith to the rapt audience, "one must be asleep
at all times." He went on to advise the graduating
seniors to "avoid at all costs" coffee, cola
and other major sources of caffeine, and to invest in
a very comfortable mattress and pillow.
6\11\03 - 11:03 PM GMT
To showcase his divinely appointed status, Rev.
Smith was today endowed with the ability to perform
miracles. To the stunned amazement of a crowd of onlookers,
Smith first performed the logically impossible task
making a square circle. Smith then spoke to the crowd,
saying, "You have heard it said that it cannot
be the case that both 'a' and 'not a',
but in truth I tell you, 'a' and 'not a'."
Later in the day a group of scientists and philosophers
asked Smith to repeat his miracles for verification,
but Smith rebuked them, saying, "Why does this
generation ask for a miraculous sign? I tell you the
truth, no sign will be given to it."
6\7\03 - 1:50 PM GMT
study finds most people are dead
A surprising new study in the New England Journal
of Medicine reveals that, despite what common sense
tells us, most people are actually dead. "We can't
be 100% sure of the numbers," remarked Dr. Susan
Engleton, a specialist in population studies, "but
according to our best estimates, we believe that about
94.3% of all people who have ever lived are now dead."
Given these staggering numbers, she says, "it appears
that the small percentage of the human race that is
still alive is something of an anomaly." Engleton
says that with further research, science hopes to explain
why this certain small percentage of people manages
to live while by far the vast majority of others do
6\3\03 - 3:14 AM GMT
Like he was just some ordinary average guy, The
Rev. Brendan Powell Smith used public transportation
yesterday in the form of a bus, to get from point a
to point b. "A lot of people might see it as weird
for someone like me to just hop on the bus like I'm
just some normal person, but the truth is, it doesn't
bother me at all," remarked Smith. The bus-riding
excursion came after a seven minute walk to the bus
stop and a twelve minute wait for the bus to arrive.
"When the bus arrived, I climbed on board, put
my change in the meter, and found myself a seat,"
said Smith, "just like everybody else."