After receiving only middling interest from friends and family who first learned of his ”bun in the oven” back in September, Rev. Smith today announced that his pregnancy is now officially ”on hiatus”. Although the idea of a man like Smith becoming pregnant with a new female savior of mankind tested well in focus groups, after an initial period of curiosity, interest quickly flagged. ”My friends,” noted a mildly-dejected Smith, “didn’t even throw me a baby shower.” Smith, whose initial due date was to be December 25, says his pregnancy may see a return in 2010 after some “retooling”, but definitely “not until after the winter Olympics,”
After being “scared shitless” by the online trailer for Droid, Rev. Smith says he can’t wait to see the movie. ”It looks really good,” said Smith, “I’m pretty into sci-fi horror.” Sources report last night Smith spent 45 minutes looking around on the web for more info about the movie and called several local theaters asking when he can buy tickets. ”I don’t even know who’s starring. There’s no listing on IMDB for it, and nothing on Ain’t It Cool News. They’re doing a good job keeping this thing shrouded in mystery for now, just building up word-of-mouth,” observed Smith. ”At the end of that ad it just says ‘November’. Maybe I’ll go see it on Thanksgiving weekend,” said Smith. ”Or, knowing me, I’ll probably just wait and download it on iTunes and watch it on my iPhone.”
Less than a month has passed since The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith celebrated what turned out to be Patrick Swayze’s final birthday by attending a screening of his tour de force 1989 film Road House, but the experience has left Smith a changed man and in those few short weeks his life has been utterly transformed. Call it morbid coincidence or call it perfect exploitation timing, but a mere day and a half after the news came of Swayze’s untimely passing, Rev. Smith has completed his latest project: Everything I Needed to Know I Learned by Watching Road House.
Today, Rev. Smith hosts the The 7th annual ‘Run For Your Life’ in San Francisco, CA. Participants wil be running to support what many consider the most important cause of all: their own continued survival. The 43km race starts at noon, and throughout the closed-off course, runners will be chased by a slow, but steadily-moving steamroller driven by Smith himself. “This race is about saving lives,” says Smith, “and in a much more direct way than some charity races I could name.” Smith added that participants need not gather sponsors or collect pledges. “They should really just focus on staying one step ahead of me.”
Returning from an overseas trip yesterday, President Obama returned to the White House last night to find the front door stuck and unable to open. While he and his driver forced open the door, an alert neighbor reported what appeared to be a break-in at the presidential mansion. Arriving at the scene moments later, police asked Obama to step outside. When Obama refused, asking, “Why, because I’m a black man in the White House?”, officers arrested the president for disorderly conduct. Charges against Obama were dropped this morning when papers were produced proving Obama to be a rightful occupant of 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, and Obama and Washington D.C. police have issued a joint press release calling the incident “unfortunate and regrettable.”
A 29-year-old Poughkeepsie, NY, woman named Deborah Zingler went to her doctor on Friday after weeks of experiencing sudden weight gain, vomiting, and a large tumor-like growth in her stomach area. Experts technicians used a rare medical device called a sonograph, to “see” inside Zingler’s abnomal growth using sound waves. But nothing they’d seen before could prepare them for their amazing discovery. Inside Zingler’s midsection, doctors found she was growing a second human brain. It is unclear whether Zingler will eventually be able to think with this second brain, or whether the second brain will have a wholly separate and distinct personality. For the safety of the patient, doctors plan to study the development of the brain and its surrounding tissue for a few more months before removing it through an incision in the lower abdomen, or by forcing Zingler to push it out her vagina.
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith met in secret last night with the gnarly old sage of Kentucky, and engaged him from dusk till dawn in a contest of wisdom. The all-night competition, held high atop Mt. Ferriwip with no others there to witness, ended in a complete stalemate. And no one was the wiser.
The final four illustrated stories from the book of Revelation, reveal God’s ultimate plan for humanity in full. And what a plan it is. Sure you may have been wondering what all that crazy build-up was leading to, what with all God’s elaborate killings and tortures of the vast majority of humankind. But when you finally see that all those people who were tortured and killed on Earth are also going to be tortured in burning hot flames for ever and ever after they died horrible deaths, it all just suddenly comes together. So go now, read the final stories of Revelation and have your own A-ha! moment. Happy epiphany!
Wealthy, massively deformed Englishman, Joseph C. Merrick III, today attempted to purchase the corpse of the deceased “King of Pop” Michael Jackson, first offering the sum of $500,000 to the UCLA Medical Center where Jackson’s body is currently being held, then later increasing his offer to up to $1 million. Merrick’s publicist said that Mr. Merrick “has a high degree of respect for the memory of Jackson,” that he “is fascinated by the historical significance of his remains,” and that Merrick “hopes to add his corpse to his collection of rare and unusual memorabilia at his Leicester compound.” The UCLA Medical Center’s chief administrator Edward Davids says they have no intention of selling the corpse, and will keep it stored in their pathology collection.
Simultaneously astounding fans and repulsing his critics, Rev. Smith upped the ante on rival shock rockers last night by performing an on-stage stunt widely viewed as both morally base and physically impossible. Launched on stage from a cannon amid massive pyrotechnics, Smith, naked and covered in chicken guts, proceeded to writhe around on stage for nearly ten minutes to the bombastic sounds of his hit song “Chewbaccalypse” before strutting his way up to the microphone and promptly biting off his own head. Smith’s Dayton, OH, show scheduled for tonight has been canceled.
God has a plan. Our pathetic, puny human minds cannot comprehend the utter and sheer brilliance of God’s plan (and God made sure of that by only equipping us with pathetic, puny human minds), but rest assured that God does indeed most certainly have a plan. And here’s one thing we can know about God’s plan: it involves torture. Lots and lots of torture. Sure, torture is generally regarded by us comparatively dim-witted humans as the most morally vile, reprehensible, and cruel behavior possible. But this must only show our lack of intelligence, because God can’t get enough of the stuff. In our latest four illustrated stories from Revelation, God continues to pour down wave after wave of horrible torments on mankind.
When The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was found to be pregnant, his girlfriend Lila, being a righteous woman and not wanting to disgrace him, had planned to quietly leave him. But as she considered this, an angel of the Lord appeared to her in a dream and said, “Do not be afraid to take Brendan as your husband, for the child who has been conceived in him is of the Holy Spirit. He will bear a daughter and you shall name her Anna, for she will bring people favor and grace.” As of press time, Lila was still strongly considering dumping Smith.