The Brick Testament: David vs His Own People

Thursday, March 20th, 2008 - 11:46 pm PDT

We all have the occasional family fight, but as we find out this week at The Brick Testament, when you are God’s elect ruler over his chosen people, a squabble between father and son can result in the grisly death of 20,000 people. And while most of us hope for a relatively peaceful and relaxing old age, these six newly illustrated stories find King David living out his golden years in a constant and bloody battle for power as his sons, his subjects, his friends, and even his wife take advantage of his dwindling faculties.

Single minority causes 82% of all US violent crime

Friday, March 14th, 2008 - 6:07 am PDT

Recent studies have shown that a single minority in the Unites States is responsible for 82% of all violent crimes, including 89% of all homicides and 90% of all rapes. “Were this minority to simply leave the United States–or be forcibly deported,” noted crime expert Professor James Talbert of UCLA, “violent crime would become an exceedingly rare phenomenon.” Alas, he notes, such a scenario is unlikely, as this ultra-aggressive minority has spread into every part of the US, and currently holds more than 90% of all top government positions.

Smith has mange

Sunday, March 9th, 2008 - 2:10 pm PDT

After weeks of incessant itching leading to hair loss, doctors today diagnosed Rev. Smith with with mange, or sarcoptes scabei (seen here in this 1,000,000X magnified view). After being fitted with a cone collar to deter him from scratching his own head or gnawing at other body parts, Smith was heard to complain, “With this thing on, I can’t see! How am I supposed to go about my daily life?” Doctors reminded Smith that his eyes “can deceive [him]“, cautioned him not to trust them, and advised that he “stretch out with [his] feelings.”

Richardson endorses Fred Thompson

Monday, March 3rd, 2008 - 6:55 pm PST

Democrat Gov. Bill Richardson boldly crossed party lines and sanity lines today to endorse former Tennessee Republican Senator Fred Thomson. Political analysts were unsure what to make of Richardson’s surprise announcement, but expressed certainty that it would have no impact whatsoever on the 2008 presidential race. In his statement, the newly-bearded Richardson, admitted that he “hasn’t been paying too close attention” to the presidential race since he dropped out January 9, fueling speculation that he may be entirely unaware that Thompson ended his campaign for the presidency two weeks later on January 22.

Rape, Murder, Revolt, and Strange Advice

Thursday, February 21st, 2008 - 7:20 pm PST

The Brick Testament website has been updated today with seven new illustrated stories. Little is going right for David as he enters into his advanced years as king. His virgin daughter is raped by his firstborn son. Another son becomes a murderer, forms a popular uprising, and drives David out of Jerusalem. As he is fleeing, an old enemy tosses rocks and curses at him. Perhaps strangest of all, a long-since-decapitated enemy unexpectedly returns to fight the Israelites anew. Rest assured, these convoluted goings-on are all part of God’s plan, as he selective intervenes in human affairs to bring disaster on David’s family and bring disaster on Absalom.

Torture chamber found in White House basement

Monday, February 18th, 2008 - 10:23 am PST

While the President is away in Africa, a White House janitor today stumbled across the entrance to a hitherto unknown chamber located deep within a subbasement of the White House. The 15×20′ room contains a variety of gags, whips, chains, hoods, and harnesses, plus a single bed and a water faucet. It is unclear as of yet whether the room functions as a secret interrogation chamber for suspected terrorists, a perverse presidential pleasure dome, or both. While President Bush has invoked executive privilege in refusing to answer questions about the matter, former president Clinton told reporters this afternoon, “It certainly wasn’t there when I moved out. That’s not my thing.”

Smith hears voices in his head

Sunday, February 10th, 2008 - 10:59 am PST

For as far back as he can remember Rev. Smith has heard voices in his head. “They tell me to do things,” Smith recently explained to his therapist, “usually mundane things like ‘Take out the trash; it’s trash night’ or ‘How about getting a little exercise?’” Though it’s usually a version of his own voice that he hears, “I hear celebrity voices sometime too,” says Smith, “like if I’m replaying in memory part of a TV show I just watched.” Smith’s therapist, the distinguished Dr. Errol Vanderwitz says that Smith “is being an idiot” and has recommended that Smith “get the hell out of my office.”

Americans demand vague, ill-defined change

Wednesday, February 6th, 2008 - 5:32 pm PST

Record turnouts at Super Tuesday primaries across America yesterday confirm that voters are responding passionately to vague promises of ill-defined change. The person seen most benefiting from this voter enthusiasm so far is candidate Barack Obama who, if elected, would become America’s 44th president who is at least half-white. Sen. Obama’s maverick pro-hope stance set him apart from the pack early on, and his rousing oratory has even managed to sway some Republicans. Declared Sen. Obama during a victory speech in Chicago last night: “The time for nebulous, unspecified change is now.”

Smith forms union, goes on strike

Friday, January 25th, 2008 - 10:27 am PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith sought solidarity with his fellow workers this week by forming a labor union. Upon formation the seven-member Bible Illustrators Local 1 declared a general strike until the union’s demands are met by management concerning higher wages, health insurance, and paid vacations. Smith could be seen this morning in a picket line outside his own home, carrying a sign reading “The Bible isn’t going to illustrate itself.” Smith, who claims to work directly for God, says he can hold out “for weeks if necessary.” His employer remains unavailable for comment.

CNN brings you latest on CNN’s crappy reporting

Tuesday, January 22nd, 2008 - 9:01 pm PST

America is awash in crappy news coverage of the US presidential race, but leave it to the dedicated journalists at CNN to keep you informed and up-to-date on just how crappy their own political reporting has become. A new story at investigates the strongly dissatisfied reactions the public is giving CNN’s simplistic and dunder-headed coverage of the Democratic South Carolina primary in which Edwards is ignored as a viable candidate, and the assumption is made that voters will pick their candidate based on whether they decide it’s more important that they have the same gender or more important that they share a similar skin color.

David Loses a New Son, Gains a New Hat

Friday, January 11th, 2008 - 7:20 pm PST

Happy new year! The Brick Testament website rings in 2008 with seven brand new illustrated stories from the continuing saga of King David. It’s wacky mayhem as David impregnates a married woman and arranges to have her husband killed. When this newest addition to David’s ever-growing collection of wives gives birth to a little baby boy, God forgives David for his sins, but strikes the baby dead. On the brighter side, David gets a shiny new hat after his army massacres the Ammonite people and enslaves the citizens of Rabbah.

People still having children

Saturday, January 5th, 2008 - 11:18 am PST

In a showcase of extreme selfishness and blithe disregard for the suffering of other human beings, people all around the world continue to have children. Both in the world’s most developed countries where each new child will use up far more than its share of global resources in an epic and ultimately doomed Tragedy of the Commons, and in the least developed nations where children are likely to be born into lives of grinding poverty and malnutrition, parents show little or no signs of guilt or remorse for the strain each new child puts on the human race as a whole. Perversely, most new parents are shamelessly self-congratulatory and wastefully lavish resources on their new offspring while billions of other fellow already-living, already-struggling human beings bear the brunt of their callouses, self-absorbed behavior.