The Brick Testament: God dissolves Israel

Sunday, June 22nd, 2008 - 5:59 am PDT

The legendary kingdom of Israel ruled over by David only remained united for about three generations before God hatched a convoluted plot that resulted in the kingdom being torn asunder, never again to achieve the size, power, or independence it had under David and Solomon. That is, of course, until God’s more recent and even more convoluted plot that resulted in 6 million dead Jews, but a restored and independent Jewish nation at long last. In the newest four illustrated stories on The Brick Testament, this whole process gets rolling as King Solomon dies of unspecified causes, and God’s inscrutable master plan gets underway.

Florida, Michigan delegates given half-seats

Sunday, June 1st, 2008 - 6:57 pm PDT

In a literally uncomfortable compromise solution, the Rules Committee of the Democratic Party voted this weekend to allocate delegates from Florida and Michigan half-seats at this summer’s national convention. “We want every state’s votes to count,” said DNC Chairman Howard Dean, “but these states willfully broke party rules and cannot go unpunished.” Dean expressed the committee’s hope that having Florida and Michigan’s delegates seated at the convention, but forced to squeeze in two-to-a-chair through three days of longwinded speeches will maintain the inclusivity of the party while making these states think twice before breaking party rules in future primary seasons.

The Ark of the Covenant: now available!

Friday, May 30th, 2008 - 7:21 pm PDT

Fun fact: The most recent set of King Solomon stories on The Brick Testament included the last time the Ark of the Covenant is mentioned in the Bible. To commemorate this end of an era, The Brick Testament is pleased to announce a brand new custom set available today: The Ark of the Covenant. It’s an exact piece-for-piece replica of the intricate, detailed, and innovative design The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith created for the stories of The Brick Testament. This first edition is limited to 50 sets, each with a certificate of authenticity signed by the artist. Get yours today!

Is America ready for its first zombie president?

Saturday, May 24th, 2008 - 2:20 am PDT

It’s 3 AM in the White House and President John McCain picks up the phone. He dials Moscow and tells Vladimir Putin what he really thinks of him. Hours later McCain wakes up and remembers nothing, but it’s too late: the missiles are already on the way. Could it happen? This weekend’s release of John McCain’s medical records show that he is a user of the drug Zombien, infamous for its not-so-uncommon side effect of putting its users into temporary amnesiac sleep-walking states during which they go on eating binges, drive their cars until they crash into stationary objects, or make phone calls they later seriously regret.

Correction #1: The correct name for the drug mentioned in the above article is Ambien and not Zombien as was reported.

Correction #2: American’s first zombie president was, in fact, Martin Van Buren.

Smith goes deep undercover

Thursday, May 15th, 2008 - 11:17 am PDT

In a daring effort to help unravel the mysteries of contemporary American society, Rev. Smith is going deep undercover. Having grown out his mustache, shaved his head, and donned a toupée, Smith will go by the alias McDrummond Eleanor Gummersal as he attempts to infiltrate mainstream America, ingratiate himself with actual Americans, learn what he can, and then make it out alive. “It isn’t going to be easy,” admitted Smith with a grimace, as he donned his cowboy boots and cut-off jeans, “but the price of progress is eternal sacrifice.”

The Brick Testament: The Temple of Yahweh

Wednesday, May 7th, 2008 - 1:05 pm PDT

Though it more commonly goes by the name of “Solomon’s Temple” or “The First Temple”, the true name of the most famous building endeavor from the reign of King Solomon is The Temple of Yahweh. And in this week’s update of The Brick Testament, the world can finally behold this sacred ancient monument in perhaps its most beautiful form, rendered entirely out of LEGO bricks. While Solomon spent seven years constructing this house for God, he spent nearly twice as long on a fancy-shmancy house for himself. Finally, at the end of this building spree, Yahweh himself appears to Solomon to give him a friendly reminder that if he or his descendants ever fail to follow The Law or worship any other god, he’ll eradicate Israel.

Smith has new lease on life

Monday, May 5th, 2008 - 9:26 pm PDT

This week, Rev. Smith negotiated a new 10-year lease on life. Under the terms of the agreement, Smith will pay monthly fees of $417, a number derived by taking the Capitalized Cost (the value of Smith’s life today) and subtracting the Residual Value (the estimated remaing value of Smith’s life ten years from now), then multiplying it by an Annual Percentage Rate of 4.3%, and dividing by the 120 months covered under the terms of the lease. At the end of the lease period, Smith will have the option to buy his life at its depreciated value. Should he subject himself to excess wear and tear, or terminate his lease before the end of the 10-year period, Smith will face additional fees.

Americans carrying around bags of feces

Wednesday, April 30th, 2008 - 1:32 am PDT

In an alarming and disturbing trend, many American suburbanites and city-dwellers have taken to walking around their own neighborhoods carrying bags of feces. Though experts observers have yet to determine the signifigance of or reasoning behind what has now become a daily ritual for millions of Americans, some common threads have been noted among the feces transporters: They are most likely to perform their ritual in the early morning or just after returning from work. They do not exit their homes with the feces, but instead seek out and then place into bags fresh feces found outdoors. Many are so protective of their feces that they keep a dog at their side for protection.

The Brick Testament: Solomon Gets Wise

Saturday, April 26th, 2008 - 3:39 pm PDT

A new section of The Brick Testament launches today, covering the stories of King Solomon. Our first set of stories finds the newly-crowned king tying up some loose ends left unfinished during the reign of his father David, and by “tying up loose ends” I mean carrying out a series of strategic murders and vengeance killings. Next we discover that the whole slavery / Ten Plagues thing is apparently all water under the bridge as Solomon marries the daughter of the Pharaoh of Egypt, then heads up to Gibeon to sacrifice 1,000 animals and afterwards gets blessed by Yahweh with great wisdom. It’s not long before Solomon’s awe-inspiring wisdom is put on display, and word-of-mouth brings folks from around the world to Jerusalem just to hear him speak.

The Brick Testament: David’s Psalm of Victory

Friday, April 11th, 2008 - 8:33 pm PDT

The Brick Testament celebrates its 350th illustrated Bible story this week with the addition of an illustrated psalm that brings the King David section of the website to a fittingly dramatic conclusion. Certainly David is about the mainest of main characters in The Bible. His name appears 895 times–second only to Jesus (942 times) and Yahweh himself (5,787 times)–and the telling of his long, remarkable career stretches across four books. Hope you’ve enjoyed The Brick Testament’s visualization of that life, as David journeyed from precocious decapitator, to corpse foreskin collector, to slaughterer of women and children, to royal polygamist, to ethnic cleanser, to ineffectual father, and finally to enfeebled old man.

Smith conceives first child

Tuesday, April 8th, 2008 - 10:27 pm PDT

Rev. Smith spent the better part of this past weekend conceiving his first child. He began by jotting down on a whiteboard all the qualities he is looking for in an offspring. He made several charts and graphs detailing the cost analysis and performance attributes of proposed features before commissioning a scale model to be built. After several painstaking revisions, Smith finalized his proposal, rehearsed a keynote speech, and then gave a three hour Power Point presentation in front of his longtime girlfriend who, at its conclusion, immediately dumped his ass cold.

Hillary Clinton turns heel

Friday, April 4th, 2008 - 5:08 pm PDT

After months of barely maintaining her image as a likeable “babyface” presidential candidate, Sen. Hillary Clinton showed her true colors at last night’s presidential debate, delivering a devastating low-blow to her opponent Barack Obama while the moderator was distracted, then launching herself backward off the top of her podium to finish him off with a signature “Clin-ton Bomb”. Clinton then declared herself “the most dominant force in the history of US politics.” Turning her attention to the war in Iraq, Clinton said she can “no longer supports the troops, because they’ve had five years and it’s obvious they just can’t get the job done.” After testily telling the booing audience to “shut up”, Clinton gratuitously insulted the 76ers and the Phillies before dropping a final knee into the midsection of Obama and walking off stage. Before the debate ended, DNC chair Howard Dean announced that Clinton would be forced to partner with arch rival Obama against grizzled veteran John McCain in a two-on-one handicap match at the Democratic National Convention in August.