The Brick Testament - Slaughter of the Innocents

Wednesday, October 22nd, 2008 - 11:20 am PDT

If you find the mass murder of innocent civilians spiritually uplifting, you’re sure to love the latest set of seven new illustrated Bible stories over at The Brick Testament. While the southern kingdom of Judah struggles to find just the right mix of death and destruction to appease God into granting them peace, the northern kingdom of Israel suffers great bloodshed mainly due to a system of political succession in which anyone who murders the king in cold blood is immediately granted the kingship. Though for thousands of years this was indeed how many nations appointed their leaders, fortunately here in the United States we learned our lesson and swiftly amended the Constitution after the brief but turbulent Oswald and Ruby administrations of the 1960s.

Obama keeps his cool despite vicious attack

Friday, October 10th, 2008 - 2:19 pm PDT

At some point the McCain campaign realized that to be in power, you don’t need money or poll numbers, you just need to be willing to do what the other guy wouldn’t. One afternoon some McCain campaign operatives break into Barack Obama’s house. Obama comes home to find his wife raped and his children screaming. They tell Obama they want him to drop out of the race. Obama looks over the faces of his family. He then shoots two of the McCain operatives, then shoots his children and his wife as the last McCain guy watches in horror. He tells him he would rather see his family dead than live another day after this. He lets the last McCain operative go, waits until his wife and kids are in the ground, and then he goes after the rest of the McCain campaign. He kills their kids. He kills their wives. He kills their parents and their parents’ friends. He burns down the houses they live in, the stores they work in. He kills people that voted for them. And like that, he’s gone. Underground. Nobody’s ever seen him since. He becomes a myth, a spook story that criminals tell their kids at night. “Rat on your pop and Barack Obama will get you.” But no one ever really believes.

Smith would solve financial crisis for $350 billion

Wednesday, September 24th, 2008 - 9:41 pm PDT

As President Bush continues to urge Congress to act quickly on a proposed $700 billion taxpayer bail-out for Wall Street to avoid “a long and painful recession,” The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today announced an intriguing alternate proposal, saying he would be willing to save the US economy for “half that price” while keeping all other terms of Treasury secretary Paulson’s plan the same–particularly the part about decisions on how to spend the money being “non-reviewable by any court of law or any administrative agency.” Smith urged Congress to act extremely impulsively on his proposal “without examining it too closely” and added that any hesitation on their part would make them culpable for the ensuing economic catastrophe that would see “a full breakdown of society and rampant cannibalism.”

Palin to stay in secure location until election over

Thursday, September 18th, 2008 - 5:03 pm PDT

The Republican vice-presidential nominee faced another close-call this morning when at a carefully-orchestrated campaign stop, a reporter managed to manouver within 10 to 15 feet and fire off three questions at Sarah Palin before being wrestled to the ground by McCain staff. McCain denounced the attempt at unfettered press access to Palin as “a cowardly act” perpetrated by “those who would seek to destroy our way of campaigning.” McCain later announced his decision to keep Palin hidden away in a “secure location” until the election is over, after which time, said McCain, “America will get to know all it needs to know about Sarah Palin.”

Images of first Google Android phone leaked

Monday, September 15th, 2008 - 11:57 am PDT

Excitement is building over the imminent release of the first phone to run on the much anticipated Android platform developed by Google. Few details have been made public about this next-generation smartphone which is being manufactured by Biotech Industries, but judging from leaked images now making their way around the Internet, it would seem model Aj^6 does not follow the lead of Apple’s iPhone by using a touchscreen interface, but instead is worn around the back of the head and plugs directly into the user’s brain.

Overestimating the American people

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008 - 1:15 pm PDT

“You can’t just make stuff up. The American people aren’t stupid.” So said Barack Obama recently in reaction to the latest headline-grabbing string of inane distortions and brazen falsehoods from the McCain campaign . But Obama may be naively overestimating the American people. If history and the latest polls are any indication, these sorts of Karl Rovian smears and outright lies work like a charm on American voters. Contrary to Obama’s claim, it seems politicians can just make stuff up, and it may just be the most politically expedient thing for them to do if in fact the American people are as stupid as they let on. On the other hand, Obama may already know all this, but perhaps also knows that the American people enjoy being told that they are not stupid.

McCain: the candidate of change

Saturday, September 6th, 2008 - 7:10 am PDT

Although “change” has been the mantra of Barack Obama’s campaign from the start, in recent weeks John McCain has managed to eclipse his democratic rival in his full-on embrace of change. Sources close to McCain say he has changed so dramatically in the late stages of this campaign that he is “barely recognizable” from the man he was just 12 months ago. “John McCain spent a lifetime establishing his personal integrity and reputation for straight-talk with the press and the American people,” said a former campaign advisor. “Now he is ignoring the press, delivering only talking points, and tossing away his last shreds of dignity on outrageous lies and distortions.” He added: “If you like change, McCain’s changed pretty much everything about himself except his name.”

Wendy’s Spicy Baconator: It will melt your face™

Sunday, August 17th, 2008 - 1:33 pm PDT

Nothing you have ever crammed down your gullet can possibly prepare you for the newest monstrosity of a burger cobbled together by the scientists at Wendy’s laboratories. Sixteen strips of bacon. 8 slices of cheese. 6 patties of beef. All slathered in a spicy cream sauce and barely contained within the confines of a bun. You know it’s wrong. You want to resist. You fumble to make excuses, but deep inside you know this is a challenge from which you simply cannot back down. The new Spicy Baconator from Wendy’s. It will melt your face™.

The Brick Testament: God wreaks havoc

Friday, August 15th, 2008 - 2:45 pm PDT

At the gruesome Battle of Gettysburg, 7,863 American soldiers were killed. Yet one would have to imagine sixty-four Battles of Gettysburg at once to equal the almost unfathomable carnage at the (slightly less famous) Battle of Mount Zemaraim where 1.2 million of God’s chosen people fought against each other, and after which 500,000 lay dead. See this and other stories of God’s direct intervention into human affairs in our latest update of five new illustrated Bible stories over at The Brick Testament website.

There is no war in Iraq

Monday, July 21st, 2008 - 8:19 pm PDT

According to dictionaries and reference material, the debate over one of the biggest issues of our day has been fundamentally mis-framed. Despite the continued widespread usage of the term, there is in fact no ongoing Iraq War, and there has not been since May 1, 2003. When World War II ended in victory for the Allies in 1945, the United States took part in a military occupation of Germany that lasted through 1949. America’s military presence in Iraq for the past 5 years has likewise been a massively costly post-war foreign occupation.

Rapture to occur by end of 1988

Thursday, July 10th, 2008 - 1:16 pm PDT

Experts in the field of eschatology agree: the long awaited second coming of Jesus Christ will occur by the end of 1988–most likely on September 11, 12, or 13. This prediction is so rock solid that Bible scholar Edgar Whisenant can offer 88 reasons for it, and Hal Lindsey predicts the same in his book The Late, Great Planet Earth which was the best-selling nonfiction book of the 1970s, and sold over 28 million copies by 1990. Whisenant is also the author of The final shout: Rapture report 1989, 23 reasons why a pre-tribulation rapture looks like it will occur on Rosh-Hashanah 1993, and his most recent work 1997.

Most Americans would now support ‘blood for oil’

Wednesday, June 25th, 2008 - 12:44 pm PDT

With the economy failing and gas prices surging past $4 a gallon, a new H-Net/Fritz Media poll shows that 70% of Americans would support a multi-year foreign war–even one with with high rates of American casualties–if it would succeed in lowering the price of oil. “I thought that’s what this Iraq War was supposed to do,” commented Shawn Ingersoll, a laid-off auto worker in DeWitt, MI. “I thought after five years we’d be looking at gas under a dollar a gallon. Man, I voted for Bush and Cheney cause they’re oil men, and I figured they’d know what they were doing.” He later added: “Which country do we have to invade and occupy to get the gas prices down?”