Corpses piling up

Tuesday, March 14th, 2000 - 11:12 am PST

Workers are stacking dead bodies on top of each other around the clock today in an attempt to clear the way for the next load of bodies which is expect to arrive late this afternoon. “We’re really running out of space here,” said one worker, “that’s probably our number one problem right now–well, after the stench.” The giant pile of corpses now spans over 37 square miles and is 200 meters high in parts  with no foreseen end in sight.

Vendetta up for Internet Film award

Saturday, March 11th, 2000 - 3:41 pm PST

A holiday classic in its own time, Vendetta: A Christmas Story, has been nominated under the category of Best New Talent in the International Internet Film Festival which is being held in Lille, France this week. Vendetta, which was written by and stars our very own Rev. Brendan Powell Smith, is reportedly very well liked among the French.

Smith toy recalled in US

Thursday, March 9th, 2000 - 7:28 pm PST

The recently released Rev. Brendan Powell Smith action figure which features a head that shoots across the room has been recalled by the manufacturer today after numerous consumer complaints caused many retailers like Wal-Mart and Target stores to refuse to carry it. The head-firing toy has become an instant collector’s item and is quickly selling out at stores in Europe and Asia where it is still available.

Date with Chelsea goes poorly

Thursday, March 9th, 2000 - 11:33 am PST

A date with Cheslea Clinton went poorly for Rev. Smith this past weekend. The two longtime friends got together on Saturday and, at Smith’s insistance, watched the Disney Channel original movie My Date with the President’s Daughter (starring Dabney Coleman). “I thought the movie was really cool. I’ve seen it about a hundred times,” said Smith, ” but every few minutes Chelsea would turn toward me and just say ‘LAME!’ really loud right in my face, and move my hand off her knee.”

Smith sighted in Toronto, Canada

Thursday, March 2nd, 2000 - 5:24 pm PST

Police have been put on alert, the mayor has been notified, and local fondue restaurants are being locked down today after several reports of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith roaming the city. One report had him strumming guitar on the observation deck of the CN Tower while another had him sipping coffee at the Future Bakery downtown. Not all citizens, however, are convinced of the accuracy of these reports. “What we are dealing with here is an imposter,” remarked Jayson Levesque, “or perhaps a skilled and coordinated team of impostors.”

Quantum Leap Day

Tuesday, February 29th, 2000 - 1:11 pm PST

Theorizing that one could travel within his own lifetime, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith stepped into the Quantum Leap accelerator and vanished. He woke to find himself trapped in the past, facing mirror images that were not his own, and driven by an unknown force to change history for the better. His only guide on this journey is Scott Bakula, an observer from his own time who appears in the form of a hologram that only Smith can see and hear. And so Rev. Smith finds himself leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home.

Routine physical exam

Friday, February 25th, 2000 - 9:08 am PST

Rev. Smith received a clean bill of health today from a team of doctors after a routine monthly physical examination. “We had to do the usual - cranial rehydration, elbow calibration, testicular rotation, and spleen alignment - but all our tests came back with excellent results,” said Dr. Ian Wulschitz, “Smith is in perfect physical condition. Why, he may even live to see 30.”

“BRAD: the game” Day declared

Tuesday, February 22nd, 2000 - 10:21 pm PST

The quaint and usually overlooked nation of Luxembourg today declared Tuesday, February 22, 2000, to be National “BRAD: the game” Day. A parade was held, government officials took the day off, and 23 citizens were arrested for indecent behavior. Rev. Smith made a brief appearance at the festivities via satellite broadcast, saying “you peoples is crazy.”

Smith’s pants sell for £343,000

Friday, February 18th, 2000 - 11:37 pm PST

A pair of outrageously oversized plaid pants worn by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith at a Paris concert in 1987, at the height of GOF UGNÜT’s fame, sold today on internet auction site eBay for just over £343,000. It is unkown who the buyer is, but many suspect it was none other than the King of Pop himself, avowed longtime GÜ fan, Michael Jackson.  Seller celebritypants827 commented, “I hope the new owner has an easier time getting out the jizz stains.”


Wednesday, February 16th, 2000 - 10:10 am PST

So, wassup, D? Watching the game, havin’ a Bud. True, true. Wassuuuuup! Wazzaaaaaaaahhhh… Yo, who’s that? Yo, pick up the phone! Hello? Wassuuuuuup! Wahzzzuuuuup… Uuuuuuhhhhh…. Yo! Where’s Dookie? Yo, Dookie! Hey! Yo… Wassuuuuuuuuup!!! Wazzuuuuu– Uuuuuuhhh– Aaaaaa– Auuuu– <<Beep>> Hold on. Hello? Wasssuuuuup! Aaaaaaa– Eh-heh– Ehhhh– Aaaaaa– Oooo–. So wassup, D? Watching the game, havin’ a Bud. True, true.

Danza and Smith on the outs

Sunday, February 13th, 2000 - 2:29 pm PST

According to inside sources, longtime friends Rev. Smith and veteran sitcom actor Tony Danza are having a falling out of sorts as of late. “Whereas Smith has really matured in recent years,” explained one mutual friend, “Tony is still that same old wild man, refusing to grow up.” The two were last seen together at the premeire of the Jim Belushi vehicle K-911.

Leap frog: back in style

Monday, February 7th, 2000 - 5:09 am PST

The game of leap frog, played by thousands of children worldwide, and by a few select foolhardy professionals, is coming back into style after years being looked down upon by many as utterly gauche.  Rev. Smith, a vaunted varsity leap frogger during his days at Boston University, commented, “this dangerous full-contact sport, already outlawed in Europe, should prove to be a pleasant distraction for America during the upcoming elections.”