Wedding bells for Brad?

Sunday, June 4th, 2000 - 7:11 am PDT

Rumors are running amuck that internet megastar Brad may soon be ending his days of eligible bachelorhood. So who’s the lucky gal? Inside sources are naming Anna, who is currently 25 years his younger. Anna & Brad have shared a love/hate relationship over the past six years, but have been pretty much inseparable since last year’s “naked party” during which Anna sprained her ankle during a limbo contest, and was nursed back to health by Brad.

Lard is good food

Thursday, June 1st, 2000 - 5:31 pm PDT

New findings in this month’s Boston Medical Journal show that a long-term diet of high-fat foods renders one nearly impervious to all known diseases. Foods singled-out for their beneficial effects included rich creamy ice cream, chicken-fried steak with gravy, and buttered cheese. “So long as you avoid taxing exercise that strains your body,” said one researcher, “such a diet could render you nearly immortal.”

Double-Chev combo silences naysayers

Monday, May 29th, 2000 - 4:14 am PDT

In a stunning maneuver that has awed dining strategists, Rev. Smith ate at two new Chevys restaurants on Saturday, making the 3rd & Howard location in San Francisco his 57th. Conducting business in the Sacramento area around 1pm, Smith made an unexpected move, grabbing a quick lunch at the new Chevys in Vacaville. “Wow,” commented one onlooker.

Smith to attend 56th Chevys restaurant

Saturday, May 27th, 2000 - 9:01 am PDT

Tonight Rev. Smith dines at the new 3rd & Howard Chevys mexican restaurant in San Francisco. This will be the 56th Chevys location he’s visited, having easily surpassed his goal of “50 by 2000″ stated a year ago. Other Chevys locations Smith has been to include Alameda, Richmond, Emeryville, Laguna Niguel, Foster City, Mountain View, Sunnyvale, Novato, Gilroy, Folsom, South Lake Tahoe, West Covina, Ontario, and Merced.

Slapped upside the head

Thursday, May 25th, 2000 - 7:33 pm PDT

“Don’t make me go upside your head,” Rev. Smith was sternly warned several times today. Still he did not listen. In the end, Smith found himself being slapped upside the head. “Hindsight is always 20/20, and in retrospect, looking back it’s clear,” said Smith, “I really had it coming.”

GOD calls Rev. Smith

Friday, May 19th, 2000 - 4:15 pm PDT

On his way to Taco Bell today, Rev. Smith was called on by GOD. “I have arbitrarily chosen you,” said GOD. “You and your descendants will be favored among men. I will bring you into a land already occupied by others, kill off the current occupants and call it yours. Your people must show devotion to me by wearing facial pants.” “Facial pants?” asked Smith. “You know, like pants…” said GOD, “for your face.”

Webster enjoying comfortable lead

Tuesday, May 16th, 2000 - 8:17 am PDT

The latest web poll shows Webster with a comfortbale 19% lead over arch-rival Gary Coleman with just over a hundred votes cast to date. “I shall prevail,” barked an irate Coleman at a press conference Monday, pounding his fist against the podium repeatedly. Dark horse candidate Urkel has yet to recieve a single vote.

We’ve lost our lease!

Thursday, May 11th, 2000 - 4:29 am PDT

Rev. Smith’s website has lost its lease!  Now everything must go!  Save hundreds on quality merchandise, with savings as much as 50-80% off!  But act now before supplies run out and this website closes its doors forever!  See that navbar to your left?  Name your price!  How about that vertical gray line just above the webpoll?  Yours for an incredible $5!  Hurry!  Don’t miss out on this historic once-in-a-lifetime chance to save money!

Smith into self-mutilation

Saturday, May 6th, 2000 - 2:18 am PDT

Reports from a wide variety of tabloid newspapers today are running a story about Rev. Smith’s supposed habits of self-mutilation. The story is accompanied by shockingly graphic photographs of Smith using a small metal device to cut his own fingernails shorter than they would naturally grow. There are also unsubstantiated rumors that Smith subjects himself to bi-monthly “haircuts”.

BRAD: the game lawsuit

Wednesday, May 3rd, 2000 - 6:25 pm PDT

Buddy from Christy’s, who can be found in Rev. Smith’s BRAD: the game, filed a lawsuit today against Smith, seeking $430 in emotional damages due to his indecent portrayal in the game. “Look, man,” said Buddy, “it’s like I can’t even go to work anymore without people recognizing me from that damn game. And I’m up for shift supervisor soon, too, so I got an image to protect, you know?”

More borscht? No thanks!

Sunday, April 30th, 2000 - 11:46 pm PDT

Dining at the American consulate in Poland this evening, midway through dinner with several high-ranking officials, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was cordially offered a second bowl of borscht. “No, thank you,” he replied as politely as possible. Smith later revealed to the press that the mere smell of the soup had made him feel ill, and that when nobody was looking, he had poured the first bowl down his pants.

Rumors of GOF UGNÜT reunion false

Thursday, April 27th, 2000 - 2:50 am PDT

Reacting to yesterday’s front page story run by a Dutch tabloid claiming the imminent reunion of GOF UGNÜT, Rev. Smith today dismissed the rumors as “hogwash”. He further denied any knowledge of an animatronic Jonathan Anthony Field built by U. N. scientists especially for this event. GÜ broke up in 1993 after Field died in an olympic-sized swimming pool of his own vomit.