Smith can freeze time at will

Tuesday, July 18th, 2000 - 3:18 am PDT

Struck by a radioactive meteorite in 1997, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith gained the superhuman ability to stop the flow of time for everyone but himself.  Although he originally had some vague plans to use this power to fight crime, says Smith, these days he mostly just uses it to catch up on a few hours of sleep here and there with no one but himself the wiser.

Brad working on autobiography

Thursday, July 13th, 2000 - 2:05 pm PDT

In the wake of the stunning success of the web-based game that bears his name, Brad today announced he is working with an unknown ghost author on an autobiography to be titled In Absence of Pants. Rumor has it that Brad offered old pal Webster a sum of $300 to appear in the book. It was later pointed out to him that you don’t have to pay people to appear in books.

Save those chickens!

Friday, July 7th, 2000 - 1:50 am PDT

Inspired by the hit movie Chicken Run, longtime animal rights activist Rev. Smith, today joined Burger King in calling for American citizens to save the chickens of the world - by eating more burgers.  ”Only by the routine slaughter of cows and the consumption of their flesh,” explained Smith, “can we hope to ensure the survival of the world’s domestic fowl.”

2,000 Years of American Independence

Monday, July 3rd, 2000 - 12:44 pm PDT

Tomorrow our nation rejoices, celebrating the 2,000th anniversary of the day Jesus Christ declared American independence from the oppressive Rome Empire.  With pride we recall how Jesus and the 12 disciples dumped crates of espresso beans into the Sea of Galilee.  Always shall we remember the sacrifices made to ensure our freedom.  Truly, Jesus died for America.

Smith kicks off summer with a bang

Thursday, June 29th, 2000 - 4:16 pm PDT

Hollywood analysts are expecting Rev. Smith to be the top box office draw this Fourth of July weekend, with some estimating he could bring in as much as $68 million over the four day stretch. Many of the big studios have opted not to even compete with Smith, steering their movies’ release dates clear of the holiday weekend. “What’s particularly impressive about this,” noted one tinsel town insider, “is that Smith doesn’t have a movie out - nor will he in the foreseeable future.”

Morbidly obese

Monday, June 26th, 2000 - 10:33 am PDT

According to an online medical chart, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith falls under the category of ‘morbidly obese’, carrying an approximate 185 lb. on his 3′4″ body. “Well, I’m pretty surprised about this,” remarked Smith, “I mean, I’m no athlete, but I try to eat right and exercise a few times a week… I guess I’d better cut down on those Twinkies.”  It is believed that the last time Smith measured his height was in 1977.

BRAD: the Game passes 100,000 hits

Friday, June 23rd, 2000 - 7:27 am PDT

Rev. Smith’s cult hit website BRAD: the game today surpassed the 100,000 hit landmark. Said one recent B:tG fan, “Since my discovery of BRAD: the game, I’ve done nothing else but sit in front of my computer and grow less and less attached to the real world. You owe me four hours of my life back… payable in midgets.”

OK, everyone, buddy-up!

Tuesday, June 20th, 2000 - 5:31 pm PDT

Two days after the spectacularly successful international showing of hands, Smith initiated a further call for everyone to buddy-up. “The buddy system has been used for decades by school groups in order to promote the safety of all, and to make sure nobody gets lost,” said Smith. The plan hit a snag when it was found that the world population is an odd number. Thinking quickly Smith said, “OK, you three triple-up.”

Let’s see a showing of hands

Sunday, June 18th, 2000 - 4:02 pm PDT

Rev. Smith today joined many high ranking US officials and several foreign dignitaries in calling for an international showing of hands. The call went out at noon for people of all nations to raise up one or both of their hands. “I think it’s a good idea,” said Smith from his vantage point atop the Sears Tower in Chicago, “you know, just to see who’s left.”

Smith comes out of closet

Wednesday, June 14th, 2000 - 7:27 pm PDT

After seventeen years of troubled marriage, Rev. Smith today came out of the closet to his husband, revealing that he is not really gay. “I just couldn’t pretend anymore,” said Smith. “I have done some real soul searching these past few weeks and found that I’m just not sexually attracted to men.” Smith said he will exclusively date women in the future, and plans to sell off his adopted son Mitchell on eBay.

Great minds think alike

Saturday, June 10th, 2000 - 2:53 pm PDT

Early this morning Baron Sexton Evillus III unveiled to the unsuspecting public his diabolical plan to destroy the entire universe. “By negatively stimulating the antimatter of a single atom of Iridium, I will start a chain reaction that will envelop the universe in flames! Bwa-ha-ha-ha-ha!” “Not so fast,” countered Rev. Smith. “I had this same plan many years ago, so just don’t go thinking you’re so original, OK?”

Smith talks to the hand

Wednesday, June 7th, 2000 - 12:20 am PDT

“Talk to the hand,” advised many of Rev. Smith’s closest associates this past week, and on Tuesday morning, that’s exactly what he did. In a closed-door conference lasting nearly 17 and a half hours, Smith talked to the hand on issues ranging from the resurgence of Underoos to the current state of Hip-Hop music in France.