E! Celebrity Profile

Friday, October 20th, 2000 - 8:37 am PDT

Tonight’s E! Celebrity Profile features Rev. Smith and a host of close friends and fellow celebrities.  Smith warns, however, that viewers should take their stories about him with a grain of salt. “Tony [Danza] really has no right to characterize our relationship in that light,” said Smith. “And I think Webster is still upset that we’ve cast [Gary] Coleman to play him in [BRAD: the game] the movie.”

“Tastes like chicken”

Tuesday, October 17th, 2000 - 6:40 pm PDT

Trapped for more than 100 hours in the rubble of a weekend earthquake in San Francisco that measured 8.4 on the Richter scale, Rev. Smith was forced to gnaw off and eat his own left arm, surviving off its sustenance for days while waiting to be rescued.  Having barely survived the ordeal, Smith is now taking pains to make sure his replacement arm is made from space-age polymers which are at least 80% more earthquake-proof than standard human flesh.

Blast from the past

Saturday, October 14th, 2000 - 3:52 am PDT

Rev. Smith today received a blast from the past at approximately 2pm EST. The blast knocked him backward onto his ass, leaving him momentarily stunned and confused. The source of the blast is unknown at this time, but some experts have suggested that Smith himself may be responsible, having at some point in the 1980s blindly sent forth this blast into the future - only to strike himself today. “How fitting that would be,” noted his aunt Pam.

Shut the fuck up!

Wednesday, October 11th, 2000 - 8:13 am PDT

Look, I don’t even wanna hear it from you, alright?  Don’t even get started with me.  Just keep your big mouth shut.  Jesus H. Christ. I mean enough already…  What?  What’s that?  What did I just fucking tell you?!  Shut the fuck up!

Hurricane 2000

Sunday, October 8th, 2000 - 5:48 pm PDT

It’s early morning.  The sun comes out.  Last night was shaking and pretty loud.  My cat is purring and scratches my skin.  So what is wrong with another sin?  The bitch is hungry.  She needs to tell.  So give her inches and feed her well.  More days to come; new places to go.  I’ve got to leave.  It’s time for a show.  Here I am!  Rock you like The Scorpions!

BRAD: the game - back up!

Wednesday, October 4th, 2000 - 12:15 pm PDT

It took an army of highly skilled engineers a fortnight to bring it about, but Rev. Smith’s BRAD: the game went back online this morning, to the cheers of thousands of the games enthusiasts. A band of rabid B:tG fans from Idaho City, ID, who had been on a ‘urine strike’ for the duration of the game’s downtime, finally relieved themselves at 9:16 AM. “Aaaaaaaaaaaaah,” said one.

Preemptive attack

Saturday, September 30th, 2000 - 7:13 am PDT

Noting that they had seemed “particularly uppity” of late, Rev. Smith today, “just to be on the safe side”, launched a major preemptive attack against longtime adversary France, knocking out both its military installations, cutting power to most of its bakeries and cafes, and “just for good measure”, bending the Eiffel Tower at a 45 degree angle. As the French took to the streets in panic, Smith walked home and took a nap.

Smith acquires www.TheReverend.com

Tuesday, September 26th, 2000 - 10:10 am PDT

After an ugly three 3-year court battle with The Vatican - which at one point devolved into fisticuffs - The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has finally acquired the international rights to www.TheReverend.com which launches today. Although the church originally requested he pay a “donation” of some $500,000 for the domain address, in the end, a special UN subcommittee ruled that Smith be handed over the domain name and be compensated $10.17 in legal fees.

BRAD: the game - temporarily down

Sunday, September 17th, 2000 - 5:28 pm PDT

The server which has long hosted BRAD: the game has been shut down unexpectedly. B:tG will consequently be out of service for about a week while a new server prepares itself for that monster of bandwidth text-based adventure game. Keep checking back at it’s usual address, www.bradthegame.com, and it should be up soon. The Reverend apologized for the inconvenience.

Don’t laugh

Sunday, September 10th, 2000 - 7:20 pm PDT

I’m going to tell you something that I’ve never told anyone before, but first you have to promise me that you won’t laugh at me when I tell you, OK?  Seriously, this is really important to me, and if I told you and you laughed, it would really hurt my feelings a lot, so just be totally and completely serious for a minute, and I’ll tell you, alright?  …Alright?  OK, here goes… you ready?  …Stop giggling!  C’mon, I haven’t even told you yet!  Oh, just never mind.

9,862 days of Brendan

Thursday, September 7th, 2000 - 12:03 pm PDT

Today the world celebrates 9,862 days of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith. Planned festivities include a fireworks display in New Delhi, India, an arial show in Banff, Canada, a minstral performance in Panama City, and “5 for $5″ sale at all Arby’s locations in the continental U.S. The previously mentioned “Hands Across the Sahara” event has been cancelled on account of high temperatures.

Rev. Smith called “A human topiary”

Sunday, September 3rd, 2000 - 4:57 pm PDT

In a move that has baffled many and delighted others, leading French Canadian pundit Jaques Levesque today referred to The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith as “a human topiary”. Although the remark was quickly dismissed by many newspaper columnists as “wholly uncalled for”, other pundits were quick jump to Levesque’s defense. “Everyone needs a good trimming now and then, eh?” noted a fellow pundit who wished to remain unnamed.