It’s official: here come the heads

Saturday, November 25th, 2000 - 12:08 pm PST

The title of the forthcoming debut album by Rev. Smith and Lila Tene’s The Human Heads has been revealed.  here come the heads is expected to be released sometime later this week, and will be available through  The band’s official website and an full tracklist for the album should be available within days.  Check back to this site for further details.

Smith certified hot; questions linger

Wednesday, November 22nd, 2000 - 7:17 pm PST

The recent revote on a newly submitted picture resulted in Rev. Smith receiving a score of 8.1 - significantly higher than his previous 4.9, and enough to put him comfortably in the ‘hot’ column.  With 314 votes counted, the results were certified today at 5 PM by Tony Danza. Questions linger, though, as to the accuracy of this rating. Smith detractors have pointed out that the photo being judged is nearly four years old.  Responding to these charges, Smith said, “Fuck you, I’m hot.”

New voting process begins

Sunday, November 19th, 2000 - 8:46 am PST

Already wearied by a week and a half’s worth of post-election battles, Americans have been asked to go back to the polls to definitively determine whether or not The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is hot.  ”Justice must be served,” pronounced an aid for Smith, banging noisily on a podium, “for our entire social system of superficially rating people based on their physical appearance hangs in the balance.”  He then stared at the crowd silently for a moment before adding solemnly, “God bless America.”

Nader rejects spoiler role

Wednesday, November 15th, 2000 - 11:40 am PST

Accusations that candidate Ralph Nader kept Rev. Smith from receiving his highest possible “hotness” rating in the recent vote were vehemently denied today in a public announcement from Nader. “I actually tried to get [Smith] to comb his hair a little better for that picture,” explained Nader to a smattering of applause. He then shook both fists and stated that it was “most definitely not” his idea for Smith to have his photo taken at a Taco Bell.

Recount changes results?

Saturday, November 11th, 2000 - 4:21 pm PST

After 3 days and 205 votes totaled, Rev. Smith’s photo on was inactivated with an an impressive score of 6.9 from the voting public. But days later, the score mysteriously dropped to a 4.9 and has stayed there since. Some Smith supporters are blaming confusing ballots. “I think a lot of people meant to rate him a 9 or 10, but then, like, accidentally gave him a 3,” said one. “In the end, I think it was the overseas ballots that really brought him down,” noted one analyst.

Starsky & Hutch 2001

Saturday, November 11th, 2000 - 4:02 pm PST

Entertainment Weekly reports today that Rev. Smith has been offered the role of Det. Ken “Hutch” Hutchinson in an upcoming movie version of the popular 70s buddy cop TV series Starsky & Hutch. “I’m flattered by the offer,” admitted Smith, “but a bit hesitant to step into the shoes once filled by David Soul.” Already signed to the project is Paul Michael Glaser, the original Starsky, who will play an evil genius, antagonizing two plainclothes officers. Antonio Fargas will resume his role as Huggy Bear.

Cast your vote today!

Tuesday, November 7th, 2000 - 8:38 am PST

Citizens across the nation begin voting today, taking part in their sacred civic duty to determine whether or not The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is hot. Smith faces serious competition from thousands of others contenders on the ballot at The former People Canada’s sexiest man alive had this to say: “People of America, I need your votes!”

Don’t fuck with Arby’s™

Saturday, November 4th, 2000 - 5:44 am PST

When Arby’s management decided they wanted to give their restaurant chain a new corporate image, they hired maverick ad-man Rev. B. P. Smith who came up with the brass-balls slogan behind their new $55 million ad campaign soon to be seen on TV and print ads across the nation.  ”Come in.  Eat beef.  Get out.” reads one straightforward new ad.  It is then followed by the soon-to-be ubiquitous catch phrase “Don’t fuck with Arby’s™.”

Smith sidelined with injury

Wednesday, November 1st, 2000 - 9:10 pm PST

With only seventeen minutes remaining in last night’s rousing game of duck-duck-goose, Rev. Smith received an injury that required his sitting out the rest of the match. Early speculation was that Smith had not properly stretched before playing, but a closer look at the instant replay reveals another player to be at fault, tapping Smith on the head with excessive force.

Human Heads album nears completion

Monday, October 30th, 2000 - 8:06 pm PST

After months of diligent work, the debut album by Lila Tene & Rev. Smith’s new band The Human Heads is almost ready for release.  A Thanksgiving Day launch for the album is expected.  Music stores across the globe are scrambling to make sure they will have sufficient copies of the album on hand to avoid things turning ugly as they did with the release of Smith’s 1999 album LIFE & DEATH.

“Nougat-ass” added to language

Thursday, October 26th, 2000 - 3:55 pm PDT

With a 6-1 vote, the deciding committee of the Oxford English Dictionary today officially added the hyphenated word “nougat-ass” to the list of words that will be added to the 2001 edition of their famous tome. The entry credits Rev. Smith’s autobiographical short story You Drive; I’ll Shoot with the term’s origin, and will include the example sentence “Goddamn nougat-ass froodies be smackin’ out like Ralph Nader at McDonald’s.”

Smith tarred, feathered

Monday, October 23rd, 2000 - 12:05 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was rudely awakened at dawn this morning when he was stuffed into a burlap sack, carried into the village square by a local mob, and promptly tarred and feathered. Throughout the day, many of his peers came out to laugh at him in this most humiliating condition. As the sun set, the same mob washed him of the tar and feathers, dressed him in fine linens, and proclaimed him King of France.