Arby’s CEO Tom Garrett announced plans today for Arby’s restaurants to begin offering their clientele a variety of “gentlemen’s magazines” to browse free of charge while visiting the restaurant. The move is part of an effort by Arby’s to shore up patronage amongst its target demographic of males aged 16 to 55, and give the venerable fast food franchise’s locations more of an “old neighborhood barbershop kind of feel” explained Garrett. “Nothing too distasteful,” he added, “just some years-old copies of Playboy, Penthouse, or Oui.” Asked whether he was concerned that the presence of such magazines might drive away potential female customers, Garrett replied, “Our intensive market research has shown us that women are not interested in eating at Arby’s.”
Rev. Smith this morning appeared before a Santa Clara county circuit judge, seeking a restraining order against the rest of the world. Smith gave testimony to the effect that the rest of the world is “out to get him”, providing police and medical reports to back up his statements. Judge Horatio Vaslquelez listened to Smith for four and a half hours and has promised a decision later in the day. If granted, the rest of the world will by required to stay at least 1500 feet away from Smith at all times and will be prohibited from owning or possessing any firearms while the restraining order is in effect.
Already a record $10 trillion in debt, the US government is poised to spend another $800 billion it doesn’t have in an effort to stimulate the failing economy. This bold fiscal policy is proving inspirational to tens of millions of US citizens whose unsustainable spending habits have caused them to fall deeply into debt, many of whom have also recently lost their jobs, their health insurance, and their homes. Jacob Collins of Fort Wayne, IN, who has racked up $38,000 in credit card debt says, “I’d been thinking I should go on a spending freeze until I find a new job, but now I’m thinking a new 52-inch Sony HDTV might be a good stimulator.”
Incoming US president Barack Obama infused religion into his inauguration ceremony today, with evangelical pastor Rick Warren delivering an invocation, Methodist minister Joseph Lowery delivering a benediction, Obama himself quoting scripture in his inaugural address, placing his hand on a Bible as he was sworn into office, then having sex with outgoing First Lady Laura Bush on the roof of the White House in full public view. This last and oldest tradition dates back to the peaceful transfer of power from King David to his son Absalom approximately 3,000 years ago. It was last performed by an incoming US president when Lyndon B. Johnson secured his presidency by having sex atop the White House roof with Jill Cowen, Florence Pritchett, Mimi Beardsley, Priscilla Wear, Pamela Turnure, Judith Campbell, Ellen Rometsch, Inga Arvad, Mary Pinchot Meyer, Suzy Chang, Maria Novotny, Marilyn Monroe, and Jacqueline Kennedy.
Two days into the new year, Rev. Smith is making good on his New Year’s resolution to “be more crotchety.” On Tuesday, Smith could be heard complaining loudly of his inability to “place a simple goddamn phone call” on his nephew’s iPhone, and later in the evening was seen delivering a seven minute speech to no one in particular about the prevalence of “foul language and general smut” on prime time television. This morning Smith has made plans to sit on a lawn chair on his front porch, waiting for neighborhood kids to wander onto his lawn so he can scream at them.
This morning, a groggy Rev. Brendan Powell Smith awoke on the floor to find that a single tiny gift had been left under his Christmas tree. Peeling away the wrapping and opening the lid on a velvet-covered ring box revealed a pair of human upper incisor teeth. “It took me a moment to recognize them as my own,” stated Smith, “and to remember how the annual Christmas vs. Hanukkah party got a little out of hand last night.” Smith slowly reached up and felt his still-swollen and bruised upper lip, tasted the dried blood covering the front of his mouth, and smiled slightly before passing out again from the pain.
Showing off a newfound sense of generosity, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith this week granted a number of sexual favors to both friends and strangers. “If there’s something you need,” one of Smith’s recent acquaintances was quoted as saying, “you shouldn’t be afraid to ask Brendan.” Smith’s actions come after a period of intense soul searching. “We all must look inside ourselves to ask what we can offer others. I realize now that I have so much to give,” remarked Smith, “so much to give.”
The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today found a check in the mail for $50. It was from God. “I’m not sure why the almighty Lord has chosen to send me this money,” said Smith. “I assume it must be somehow important, being that it’s from God. Maybe it’s meant as a sign or a message, like ‘Keep up the good work, Brendan’. But then again, maybe He sent it to me as a test. God is tricky like that.” Written in the memo area of the check was but a single cryptic word: “Enjoy.” “That could mean anything,” noted Smith. Later in the day, Smith deposited the check into his Bank of America savings account. It is expected to clear in 7 to 21 days.
Throughout the millenia, humans have struggled to understand how God and evil can coexist. The ancient Greek philosopher Epicurus put it this way: “Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then is he impotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then is he malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then why is there evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?” The Bible’s book of Job, which has just been illustrated by The Brick Testament, tackles these questions head-on and provides God’s definitive answer on the matter. You should totally go read it. But if you don’t, here’s a paraphrase: “I’m God. I can do whatever I want and I don’t have to answer to you. Now go sacrifice some animals.”
American consumers, still suffering from the shock of $4-a-gallon gas prices, are acting quickly to take full advantage of the recent sudden and equally inexplicable drop in gas prices. Many are modifying their vehicles with roof-mounted gas tanks that can hold up to 2,000 gallons. Others are filling up their basements and attics with gas now in order to ration it later or make a fortune selling it street-side when gas prices double again. Some enterprising individuals like John Endicott of Riverdale, WA, are even buying up foreclosed homes in the suburbs and repurposing them as giant makeshift storage tanks for $2-a-gallon gas. “Sure it’s a major fire hazard and a little bit insane,” admitted Endicott before adding, “but it’d be insaner no to.”
Barack Obama made history on Tuesday, becoming the most popular president-elect in US history when over 66.8 million Americans cast their ballots for him to become the next commander-in-chief of the United States of America. To put that number in perspective, that’s more than all the votes won by historic presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Andrew Jackson, Abraham Lincoln, Theodore Roosevelt, and John F. Kennedy combined. In fact, a whopping 5,000 times as many Americans voted for Obama than for the so-called “father of our country” George Washington, and Obama racked up 16 times the number of votes won by Lincoln, who is thought of by many as America’s greatest president. Or put another way, Obama got 1% more votes than George W. Bush did in 2004.