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The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

BRAD: the game at 125,000

Tuesday, February 13th, 2001 - 4:03 pm PST

Rev. Smith’s endearing and infamous semi-fictional homage to his family, BRAD: the game, passed the 125,000 hit marker early this morning. When asked why this personal, touching choose-your-own-adventure style web-based game which was originally written only for friends and family to enjoy has become such an astounding popular web phenomenon, Smith replied, “I have no idea.”

Smith goes to jail

Sunday, February 11th, 2001 - 1:27 am PST

After being arrested on charges of rolling doubles three times in a row, Rev. Smith was sent directly to jail today without trial, and was not allowed to collect his $200 salary. During his stay in jail he was visited by a friend who later had to pay Smith $1250 for staying one of his hotels.  Released from jail early after paying a fee of $50, Smith went on to earn $10 for winning second place in a beauty contest.

Salad toss!

Saturday, February 10th, 2001 - 12:29 pm PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was in Finland today to officiate the 93rd annual Salad Toss festivities in Helsinki. Hundreds of contestants from all across Scandinavia were drawn to the event in which Børjiik Öråg was widely expected to trounce his own 1974 world record of 27.18 decameters.  Tragically a last minute shaving accident kept Öråg out of the competition.  Rumors of foul play abound.

Global warming news welcomed

Wednesday, February 7th, 2001 - 9:36 pm PST

Today’s news from the international scientific community on the certainty of a coming “global warming” was heartily welcomed today by the millions of Earth’s citizens living in the planet’s coldest climates.  A coalition of Canadians, Icelanders, Siberians, and even some New Englanders celebrated today’s news by leaving their cars running all day, and spraying aerosol cans into the air with abandon.

Late for church

Sunday, February 4th, 2001 - 7:57 am PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was late for church this morning — about thirteen years too late. Having not set foot in a house of worship in over a decade after untold years of unrepentant sinning and a rejection of Jesus as his savior, Rev. Smith will surely not be forgiven by our all-merciful Father in heaven, but instead is doomed to be cast in a pit of burning flames by God upon death.

Groundhog Day

Friday, February 2nd, 2001 - 1:19 pm PST

In the dawn hours of the early morning, a groundhog poked his head out of the ground in Pennsylvania and saw his shadow, indicating six more weeks of winter.  Hours later, giraffe pooped under a tree in Africa, indicating a successful hunting season to come.  In the evening, a major earthquake hit India, indicating death, pain, and misery for millions.

Make your own band

Monday, January 29th, 2001 - 11:41 am PST

A new feature at TheHumanHeads.com allows web surfers, for the first time ever, to make their own personalized Human Heads band photos!  It’s fun, free, and easy, and the results may leave you startled and gasping for breath.  So try it out today or your life will be sadly lacking!  And while you’re at it, why not check out their music, too?

No fear

Friday, January 26th, 2001 - 6:25 pm PST

At a surprise public Meat Handler’s convention in Buffalo, NY, today The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith boldly pronounced that he has overcome all of his fears, and that he fears not any future fears frightening him in the foreseeable future.  The news was met with apprehension on Wall Street where jittery investors spent the day both buying and selling stocks.

10,000 days old

Tuesday, January 23rd, 2001 - 12:08 pm PST

Today, January 23, 2001, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith celebrates his 10,000th day of being alive.  To commemorate this remarkable achievement, on this very special day, Smith will wake up, do a bunch of stuff, and then finally, when the day is done, go to sleep.  A motion to declare the day a national holiday in France was narrowly defeated by 43 votes.

In the future

Wednesday, January 17th, 2001 - 1:09 am PST

With an irresistibly catchy melody and an almost scarily poignant message in its lyric, In the Future by The Human Heads is buzzing its way up the Indie charts at mp3.com, hitting the number 11 spot by noontime tomorrow.  Go and see for yourself what the fuss is all about at mp3.com/thehumanheads.  You have been warned.

Celebrity-awareness banquet canceled

Friday, January 12th, 2001 - 9:47 pm PST

This weekend’s planned celebrity-awareness gala in Ottawa has been canceled due to expected severe weather conditions. The event, sponsored by Rev. Smith, was to be star-studded affair attended by superstars of the entertainment industry, sports, and politics, in a combined effort to bring greater attention to people of celebrity status worldwide. All profits were to go to the immensely rich.

Smith dodges racial question

Tuesday, January 9th, 2001 - 4:22 am PST

After years of self-identification as a “native American”, Smith continued to politely dodge reporters’ questions this afternoon regarding his “official” racial identity, refusing — against the advice of some of his closest social advisors — to label himself either “black” or “white”. A recent network poll found that 24% consider him to be white, 26% consider him to be black, while an overwhelming 43% majority did not understand the question.