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The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

Human Heads well received

Tuesday, March 27th, 2001 - 8:20 pm PST

An impromptu musical performance at a Buddhist monastery high atop the peak of Mount Emei by The Human Heads had locals clapping, fellow travelers singing along, and put smiles on the faces of no small amount of devout monks. After many an encore, the monks excused themselves to go to bed as they had to get up at 4am the next morning to pray.

Smith narrowly averts assassination

Thursday, March 22nd, 2001 - 5:39 pm PST

An unexpected attempt was made on Rev. Smith’s life today when an unidentified assassin emerged from a crowded train platform in Xi’an, China, confronting Smith. The plot was cut short however, when it was revealed that the would-be assassin had forgotten his gun. A brief apology was made before the unarmed gunman fled the scene on bike.

Face saved

Tuesday, March 20th, 2001 - 9:04 pm PST

In order not to offend his gracious hosts and to save face, Rev. Smith today ate a a meal which he is fairly sure contained dried rat. “I don’t speak much Mandarin,” said Smith, “so I kind of pointed at the food and asked hopefully ‘chicken?’, and my host just smiled and nodded. I don’t know. It didn’t taste all that bad. I just hope I don’t get the shits again.”

Little trouble in big China

Sunday, March 18th, 2001 - 11:05 am PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith arrived in Beijing this morning with bandmate Lila Tene to kick off The Human Heads three week promotional tour of China. Throngs of fans crowded the airport to get a peek at Smith who is still most widely known for his days with international pop sensations GOF UGNÜT. “Ni hao,” said Smith to the gathered crowd, “cesuo zai nar?”

Salad Days a favorite

Wednesday, March 14th, 2001 - 6:09 pm PST

In a recent article in the NME, Veteran crooner Tom Jones noted that Salad Days, a song from The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s 1998 album IDEAS FOR SONGS, is one of his all-time favorite songs by an artist other than himself.  Other songs to receive similar praise included the 1983 hit “Fascination” by The Human League and “Wango Tango!” by Ted Nugent.

Kicked in the sack

Thursday, March 8th, 2001 - 8:37 pm PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was kicked in the sack without warning this afternoon at a family gathering by his aunt Pam after casually suggesting that perhaps he may one day write a sequel to his phenomenal web sensation BRAD: the game. He spent the remainder of the day lying down next to his uncle Brad, who had been kicked in the sack about an hour earlier, as Anna fetched them both fresh ice packs every half-hour or so.

Plague of frogs

Monday, March 5th, 2001 - 2:42 pm PST

A harsh warning was delivered to the world today by The Reverend on behalf of God.  “A plague of frogs will soon ravage this land,” declared the longtime prophet.  He went on to explain that God is displeased that his New Improved Testament has met with only fledgling interest among the masses.  ”And don’t think he’s bluffing, ’cause he’s done this kind of thing before,” remarked Smith.  ”You just ask Egypt.”

All your base are belong to us

Friday, March 2nd, 2001 - 9:01 pm PST

War was beginning. What happen? Somebody set up us the bomb. We get signal. What ! Main screen turn on. It’s You !! How are you gentlemen !! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction. What you say !! You have no chance to survive make your time. HA HA HA HA …. Take off every ‘zig’ !! You know what you doing. Move ‘zig’. For great justice.

Smith “stoned on life”

Tuesday, February 27th, 2001 - 5:16 pm PST

Revising an earlier official statement that he is “high on life”, Rev. Smith today announced that it is more accurate to say that he is “stoned on life”.  Rather than a providing him with a euphoric adrenaline rush akin to dropping ecstasy, life has been providing Smith a natural mellow, sleepy confusion in which things seem funnier than they really are.

Bamboozled!

Thursday, February 22nd, 2001 - 2:22 am PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was hoodwinked today, hornswoggled and duped by those he trusted, and made to play the fool.  No small amount of face was lost, and some see Smith’s reputation as irrevocably sullied, his character besmirched, and his good name forever tarnished.  As a further indignity, Tony Danza has stopped taking his calls.

Smith diagnosed with SIDS

Monday, February 19th, 2001 - 9:45 pm PST

A regular checkup brought unexpected and traumatic news today as Rev. Smith was diagnosed with Sudden Infant Death Syndrome. Only the fourteenth adult to ever test positive for SIDS, Smith immediately became a celebrity spokesperson. “There is no known cure for SIDS,” said Smith gravely on national television, “so I’m pretty screwed.” Doctors believe Smith’s sudden death could happen at any time within the next 70-80 years.

Dinosaurs of Rock tour

Friday, February 16th, 2001 - 11:39 pm PST

Following-up the wildly successful Monsters of Rock ‘89, Van Halen will be headlining another stadium tour of topnotch hard rock acts this summer. Already pledging to join them are veterans The Scorpions and Dokken, plus a reunited Kingdom Come. “We’ve gotta show some of these new so-called rock bands out there like Pearl Jam or Poison how to really rock,” said bassist Jeff Pilson of Dokken. The pressure is on for Van Halen to find a new lead singer before the tour kicks off in May. “We wanted that guy from Journey,” said Alex Van Halen, “but I guess he quit singing a few years back. I dunno, maybe Phil Collins is available?”