Tony Danza: what’s he good for?

Tuesday, May 8th, 2001 - 10:09 am PDT

After a long career of playing characters named Tony on TV shows such as “Taxi”, “Who’s the Boss?”, “Hudson Street”, and the ill-fated “The Tony Danza Show”, it’s been a number of years since Americans have seen Tony Danza on a regular basis, and people are beginning to ask themselves and each other, “Tony Danza: what’s he good for?” Finally there is a website which explores this question in as much detail as it deserves.

Smith visits Hong Kong Chow-Yun-Fat-style

Sunday, May 6th, 2001 - 9:21 pm PDT

With a gun in one hand and another one in the other, Rev. Smith walked determinedly through the markets of Tsim Sha Tsui, amongst the towering skyscrapers of Central, and up to the heights of Victoria Peak, mercilessly taking vigilante vengeance against those who had wronged his family and left him for dead. He then left for the United States to become a watered down version of his former self.

Word “ralph” coming back into style

Saturday, May 5th, 2001 - 5:55 pm PDT

After over a decade of disuse, the word “ralph” used to describe a long, loud belch, has unexpectedly returned to mainstream popularity. “This is something we’ve seen coming on the horizon for some time now,” noted Dr. Yebec Chedyl a respected linguist from the University of Detroit in Birmingham. “You know, I was quite fond of ‘ralph’,” commented The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith wistfully, “and was sad to see it become so very unhip around the close of the 80s.” He paused for a moment and then ralphed.

BRAD: the game ranks in top 10

Wednesday, May 2nd, 2001 - 3:38 pm PDT

A recently published list of the top 10 best computer games of the 20th century, as voted on by a consortium of game developers, ranked Rev. Smith’s BRAD: the game in the number eight position, beating out such classics as DOOM, Pac Man, and Street Fighter 2. Edgeing out B:tG were the following games: Civilization II, Sam & Max Hit the Road, Elite, SimCity, Super Mario Bros. 3, and Frogger.

Wham rap ‘86 (enjoy what you do)

Monday, April 30th, 2001 - 7:53 pm PDT

I’ve got street credibility. I may not have a job, but I have a good time with the boys that I meet “down on the line”. I ain’t never gonna work, get down in the dirt. I choose to cruise. Gonna live my life sharp as a knife. I’ve found my groove and I just can’t lose. Now reach up high and touch your soul. The boys from Wham! will help you reach that goal. Wham! Bam! I am a man. Job or no job, you can’t tell me that I’m not. Do you enjoy what you do? If not, just stop. Don’t stay there and rot.

Holy shit

Friday, April 27th, 2001 - 11:10 pm PDT

Crowds of the devout flocked in pilgrimage from across the nation today after news broke that Rev. Smith had produced a lump of feces in the shape of a cross. Regarded by most Christians as the world’s only living prophet, Smith experienced the divine dump after days of intense religious meditation. A new order or monks calling themselves The Brotherhood of the Blessed Bowel Movement has been entrusted by The Church to watch over this most holy relic.

Foot & mouth disease detected in Canada

Monday, April 23rd, 2001 - 9:28 am PDT

Thousands upon thousands of Canadian citizens were slaughtered over the weekend to prevent further spread of the dreaded foot and mouth disease which has ravaged Britain in recent months. Although it is estimated that only 1 in 30,000,000 Canadians are carriers of the disease which has no harmful effects on humans, government officials have chosen to take swift action “so as to err on the side of safety, rather than regret our inaction at a later date.”

Giant space rock no cause for alarm

Friday, April 20th, 2001 - 3:00 pm PDT

Only days after the startling scientific discovery of an ongoing enormous explosion in space, there is now evidence mounting of a moon-sized object one-sixth the size of the Earth whose circular orbit has taken it a mere 226,782 miles from the surface of our planet. If this giant object were to collide with Earth, it would spell certain doom for all resident life forms. While scientists don’t believe that will happen, some suggest that it has already affected life on Earth, causing rising ocean level in some areas, and falling levels in others.

Fiery explosion detected in space

Tuesday, April 17th, 2001 - 4:43 pm PDT

Scientists were alarmed today by the detection of an ongoing massive fireball explosion at the center of our own solar system. This phenomenon, visible from Earth with the naked eye, is believed to have had its origins millions and millions of years ago, and many predict it will continue to burn for the foreseeable future. Earth will not go unaffected by this relatively nearby explosion, whose constant emittance of heat and light has no doubt already affected the Earth’s climate, and whose gravitational pull is so vast, we are doomed to circle it, quite probably forever.

Jam brings about peace

Saturday, April 14th, 2001 - 8:47 pm PDT

For an all-too-brief period this afternoon, global peace was fully realized, with no acts of violence or ill will occurring anywhere in the world for a stretch of nearly four hours. Political science experts are unanimous is citing an “open mike” style musical Peace Jam held in San Francisco, featuring a short set by The Human Heads as the direct cause for this anomaly. Upon the jam’s conclusion, worldwide bloodshed and malice returned to their standard levels.

Coming home in a body bag

Monday, April 9th, 2001 - 4:53 am PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith returned home to the U. S. today in a body bag. “I was a little strapped for cash,” said Smith, “so I had my bandmate Lila check me in as baggage on our flight home.”  Asked how he survived a fourteen hour flight in the unpressurized cargo area of the plane, zipped in a bag, Smith replied, “I just thought happy thoughts… you know, for those first few seconds before I blacked out.”

Almost a GOF UGNÜT reunion

Sunday, April 1st, 2001 - 11:52 pm PDT

The world witnessed today what may well be the closest it will ever come to a full reunion of that beloved 80s pop sensation GOF UGNÜT as Rev. Smith joined Jason “Big Al Q” Levesque on a cruise down the Yangtse River to visit the Three Gorges. Missing, of course, was Jonathan Anthony Field, the band visionary who died in 1993 in an olympic-sized pool of his own vomit.