Kitchen accident

Friday, June 22nd, 2001 - 10:55 am PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith suffered a mishap while making breakfast this morning when he accidentally got his head stuck in a Belgian waffle maker. It is unclear at this time exactly how this happened. Discovered hours later by a neighbor who had heard loud yelping noises, local police and firefighters were quickly called to the scene, but were unsure how to proceed. “It might be best to just leave it on at this point,” mused one. “We could try using the jaws of life,” offered another, “but it sure wouldn’t be pretty.”

Jam for Peace 2

Saturday, June 16th, 2001 - 11:29 pm PDT

The Human Heads did their part today in a second attempt to bring about world peace through an open-mic style musical get-together staged in the heart of San Francisco. Playing to a capacity crowd, the group played a rousing five song set during which they debuted a brand new song and unleashed a cover of the song “Pressure” that would have had Billy Joel rolling in his grave. Presuming he was dead, that is.

Smith appraised

Monday, June 11th, 2001 - 8:54 pm PDT

A professional appraiser stopped by to inspect Rev. Smith today. “The whole process only took about 15 minutes,” explained Smith shortly afterward. “I’m not really sure what he was looking for, but it’s hard to believe he could accurately asses my entire worth as a human being in so short a time.” He then added, “but I guess he’s a professional and stuff.” Asked what the results of the appraisal were, Smith only revealed, “a hell of a lot less than I would have imagined.”

Rod Stewart: not impressed

Thursday, June 7th, 2001 - 12:19 pm PDT

After getting his hands on an early-release copy of here come the heads and giving it a good listen, veteran rocker Rod Stewart was reportedly “not impressed”. Admitting he was a big fan Smith’s work with late 80s pop powerhouse GOF UGNÜT, but only lukewarm toward Smith’s solo work, Stewart said he held out hope upon learning that Smith had a new band. Said Stewart, “I don’t think this Human Heads group is going anywhere too soon.”

One hand larger than the other

Sunday, June 3rd, 2001 - 3:46 pm PDT

Rev. Smith realized today that one of his hands is larger than the other one. Seventy-eight times larger. “I am unsure as to how I’ve been able to overlook this startling incongruity for so many years,” said a slightly confused Smith this morning. He then went out in search of a store selling oversized gloves so he can keep his freakish physical anomaly from the public’s eye. He also announced plans to use his giant hand to pummel the crap out of a certain bully who beat him up in grade school.

Beam me up, Scott Bakula

Thursday, May 31st, 2001 - 8:09 pm PDT

The UPN network revealed today that The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith will have a recurring role in their next installment of the Star Trek saga, Enterprise, which is currently in production and will premiere in Fall of 2001. Not many details of Smith’s character are known, but it is rumored he will be barely recognizable under several layers of prosthetics, portraying an alien arch-nemesis of Captain Jonathan Archer, played by veteran actor Scott Bakula.

Patent pending

Sunday, May 27th, 2001 - 5:32 pm PDT

Ever wish you could fry up a steak in less than two seconds? Ever wonder why breaking cement blocks with your head doesn’t work? Ever consider donating a limb to charity? Ever try heating up a meal in your freezer? If you consider yourself one of the 300 million Americans who answered ‘yes’ to any one of these questions, an amazing new product from The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith will have you stabbing yourself in ecstasy: it’s the fabulous new sCrotchalizer 9000!

Smith fails DNA test

Wednesday, May 23rd, 2001 - 7:48 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is in custody tonight after failing a random DNA test to prove his own identity. FBI agents raided Smith’s house at approximately 2pm today, and barraged him with questions while taking blood, stool, urine, phlegm, and skin samples back with them to the lab. “The DNA just does not match up to our files,” said one Agent Wilson. “It’s a particularly dangerous situation now, because although this man appears to have Smith’s blood, skin, stool, urine and phlegm, we don’t know exactly who we’re dealing with here.”

Mideast peace proposal

Sunday, May 20th, 2001 - 10:40 am PDT

At a news conference this morning, Rev. Smith outlined a radical strategy to bring about peace between Israel and Palestine. “I’m calling for the establishment of a UN watchdog group to monitor any acts of violence by either side in this conflict,” read Smith from a prepared statement. “Any time either Israel or the Palestinians strike at one another, we must bomb the shit out of both of them. For it is only by the use of further escalated retaliatory violence that we can hope to end to this vicous circle of violence.”

Gummi statue unveiled

Monday, May 14th, 2001 - 12:32 pm PDT

A statue of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith standing 4.3 meters tall, and made entirely out of ‘gummi’ was unveiled today in Antwerp, Belgium. “Today we honor a man who has done much more for our people of than we could ever have reasonably expected,” noted Henrick Vooght, a respected community leader. Constructed over the course of several days, the statue is made from thousands upon thousands of melted down gummi bears and assorted gummi products, and is thought to have cost nearly US$250.

Less Filling / Tastes Great issue resolved

Saturday, May 12th, 2001 - 7:46 am PDT

It was one of the most bitterly disputed issues of the 1980s, turning brother against brother, with both sides of the debate firmly entrenched and unwilling to yield even an inch to the opposition. Having spent his childhood surrounded by this controversy, and after years of exposure to polemic from either side, Rev. Smith for the first time tried a Miller Lite last night, and has weighed in on the matter with a decisive answer which should forever resolve this issue. “It’s gotta be Less Filling,” said Smith, “because it sure as hell does not Taste Great. This stuff tastes like piss water.”

Gut wrenched

Friday, May 11th, 2001 - 4:51 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is in the hospital today suffering from a wrenched gut, an injury he sustained yesterday morning when he received the news that longtime friend and near-constant companion Chelsea Clinton was not interested in him “in that way”. The injury was compounded when she proceeded to ask him about the availability of an unnamed associate of Rev. Smith named Michael Baer, who is believed to be a fellow student at Stanford, and is indeed available.