Bush ready to perpetuate cycle of violence

Wednesday, September 12th, 2001 - 4:45 pm PDT

President Bush went on national television today to assure Americans who have been horrified by recent acts of unspeakable violence that he is fully prepared to continue the cycle of violence by “bombing the shit out of anyone who had anything to do with this.” Bush, an avowed Christian, was then heard to mutter “to hell with ‘turn the other cheek’” as he adopted an “eye-for-an-eye” policy, ready to murder innocent civilians, “just as soon as we settle on a scapegoat nation.”

Smith votes to condemn terrorism

Wednesday, September 12th, 2001 - 11:23 am PDT

In a historic session, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith voted unanimously today to condemn Tuesday’s terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center and the Pentagon in which thousands are believed dead. “Although this was a quickly organized vote, it was by no means a rash decision on my part. Before casting my vote, I believe I took adequate time to fully considered both the pros and cons of a public condemnation of this vicious, vile, and inhuman act.”

Taking it to the next level

Saturday, September 8th, 2001 - 1:07 pm PDT

While most people just talk, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is a man of action. Unafraid of confrontation, and undaunted by continuous public humiliation, he remains cocksure while set against a sea of listless, shiftless, lesser imitations and wanna-be’s. And so now after years of tireless devotion to all that is true, Rev. Smith is ready to take things to the next level. Consider your ass notified.

No contest

Wednesday, September 5th, 2001 - 3:54 am PDT

Rev. Smith plead “no contest” today to charges of petty masonry and possession of an unattainable substance. Menlo Park police officer Art Beetlebaum made the arrest on Tuesday after pulling Smith over for reckless endangerment, having spotted him driving while blindfolded in the parking lot of the local Happy Donuts. A routine search of the car’s trunk turned up six frozen walrus tusks and a 3-liter jug of Ibogaine. Though the evidence is against him, Smith maintains that he is innocent until proven filthy.

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith disbands

Monday, September 3rd, 2001 - 12:02 pm PDT

Citing “artistic differences”, renown solo musician The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith broke up with himself today, officially ending a three year span which saw the release of two acclaimed albums, IDEAS FOR SONGS and LIFE & DEATH. Smith says he will now focus his efforts on his new band The Human Heads with whom he released the 2000 album here come the heads. Although Smith would not rule out the possibility of a reunion at some point in the future, he deemed such an event “unlikely”.

Local Man saves the day

Thursday, August 30th, 2001 - 10:54 pm PDT

An elderly couple was in the midst of being mugged by armed hoodlums when, just in the nick of time, Local Man appeared on the scene. “Leave these kind folks alone,” he demanded. Terrified, one thug was heard to say to the other, “Let’s get out of here, it’s Local Man.” Before the night was over, Local Man had rescued a cat stuck in a tree, and thwarted an evil genius’s diabolical plan to blow up the town.

Smith composes shitlist

Sunday, August 26th, 2001 - 7:17 pm PDT

For the first time in his life, Rev. Smith sat down today to compose a shitlist, and ever since the news leaked there has been a flurry of media speculation as to who is and who isn’t on the list. “You can bet Tony Danza is heading up that list,” said Brock Hamilton of TV’s Celebrity Focus, “he hasn’t returned Smith’s phone calls for months now.” Also named as strong candidates for inclusion were: Ben Affleck, Béla Fleck, Patrick Swayze (and entourage), Gordon “Sting” Sumner, Ron Popeil, and master entertainers Siegfried & Roy.

Fear of paranoia

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2001 - 3:20 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has recently been in the grips of an acute and incapacitating fear of paranoia. Afraid to venture outside lest he become convinced that everyone is out to get him, Smith has stayed indoors for the past several days, where he has been too scared to even watch television lest he view a program that would convince him of a grand conspiracy that reaches to the highest levels of trusted authority. Although never having actually experienced paranoia, Smith has deep-seated fears that such an affliction could overtake him at any moment.

Smith shouts own name, doubles in size

Friday, August 17th, 2001 - 9:00 pm PDT

A surprise discovery of a previously unknown superhuman ability was made today when Rev. Smith found that by simply shouting his own name he could suddenly double in size, becoming for a brief period of time a giant of imposing stature. Smith attributes this newfound ability to a distant blood relation to Apache Chief of the Superfriends. One can only speculate as to what great use Smith will put this special talent, or as to why exactly he was shouting his own name in the first place.

The final countdown

Tuesday, August 14th, 2001 - 12:34 pm PDT

Excitement levels reached near hysteria today as crowds everywhere gathered to ready themselves for the final countdown. Unruliness was the order of the day as people pushed and pulled, some climbing atop one another, desperate for a better view. And finally when the designated hour finally approached, a deafening voice was heard above all the chaos: “Ten… nine… eight… seven… six… five… four… three… two… one!” The crowds then quietly dispersed.

Smith, GOD, settle out of court

Saturday, August 11th, 2001 - 6:44 pm PDT

Months, possibly years of lengthy court battles and escalating legal fees were averted today when The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith and GOD settled out-of-court the matter of rights to the universe. The fight began a few weeks back when Smith inadvertently stumbled upon the fact that GOD had never patented the universe, and that it was therefore in the public domain. After securing a patent himself, Smith sued GOD for his ongoing claims of ownership. The amount of the settlement is unknown at this point, but insiders believe that it could be upwards of US$5.

Salt water: too salty

Wednesday, August 8th, 2001 - 4:42 pm PDT

A recent poll reveals that the vast majority of Americans find salt water to be “too salty”. Taking immediate action on the issue, President Bush today announced plans to remove large quantities of salt from the world’s oceans - or at least those which border the US. Noting that the same poll also showed that a significant majority finds the ocean’s waters “too cold”, Bush announced he was looking into long-term plans to heat the world’s ocean waters to “a more reasonable temperature”.