That’s Gross!

Monday, October 22nd, 2001 - 1:32 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith gets a brief mention in the new autobiography of Michael Gross, who starred as Steven Keaton in the long-running and much beloved TV series Family Ties. In chapter twelve of That’s Gross!, which is due in stores this week, it is revealed that it was none other than our own Rev. Smith who convinced Gross to grow a beard after the show’s first season. Though currently clean-shaven, Gross kept the beard for all six remaining seasons.

Smith beaten off with a stick

Wednesday, October 17th, 2001 - 2:47 pm PDT

A police report filed late last night indicates that Rev. Smith was “beaten off with a stick” sometime around 11pm at the corner of Maple and W 27th. Details on the incident are sketchy at best, but officer Wade Cummings, who was the first to arrive on the scene, described Smith as looking completely exhausted and totally spent. Smith is spending the day recovering at a local cafe

The Brick Testament a smash

Sunday, October 14th, 2001 - 1:44 am PDT

In just under two weeks, Rev. Smith’s compelling new Bible LEGO website The Brick Testament has been seen by over 5,000 unique visitors. Asked why he thought his latest web endeavor had such immediate widespread appeal, Smith said, “These timeless stories are as relevant today as they were when the world was created nearly 300 years ago.” Reports suggest Smith is working on a brand new set of stories from the New Testament which will be added to the site soon.

Part 2 of VENDETTA nears completion

Thursday, October 11th, 2001 - 2:19 am PDT

The long awaited conclusion to the much heralded Vendetta: A Christmas Story is nearing completion, and should soon be available on the internet and available for viewing, indicated Rev. Smith today. Smith, who wrote the screenplay and stars in this classic holiday feature, has been hard at work editing and adding visual effects to Part 2 of the film. The first half of Vendetta has been available online for the past two Christmas seasons, was nominated for an International Internet Film award in 1999, and has been downloaded over 10,000 times.

Oatmeal: it’s brainfood

Monday, October 8th, 2001 - 4:50 pm PDT

Following in the footsteps of acclaimed actor Wilford Brimley, Rev. Smith has signed a lucrative deal to promote Quaker brand instant oatmeal in a series of television spots set to run this fall and winter. With their bold new advertising campaign centered around the slogan “Oatmeal: It’s Brainfood”, Quaker hopes to spark new interest in their oatmeal breakfast products whose sales have slumped since the death of former spokesperson Brimley. Smith’s great uncle Addison Powell was TV’s Gorton Fisherman in ads which ran in the late 70s through the mid-1980s.

The Brick Testament

Wednesday, October 3rd, 2001 - 10:14 am PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is proud to announce the launch of his new website, The Brick Testament, which showcases stories from the Bible, as told through scenes made completely from LEGO brand building elements. “The Bible is the human race’s most cherished resource,” said Smith. “It is sacred, holy, and every word of it is true, because it comes not from man, but from God above. Just like my new website.” Enjoy.

Smith contestant on “Would You Eat That?”

Sunday, September 30th, 2001 - 6:20 am PDT

This Thursday at 9pm, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith will be a featured guest on the lively new game show “Would You Eat That?”. He is slated to go up against fellow celebrity gusts Matt LeBlanc (Friends) and George Takei (Star Trek) in a no-holds-barred gross-out game of “chicken” hosted by veteran comedy actor Alan Thicke (Thicke of the Night). Smith said he plans on fasting for three straight days before his appearance so that he will be “ready to eat anything.”

Should passengers be armed?

Wednesday, September 26th, 2001 - 11:50 am PDT

While dismissed as a meritless and even dangerous notion mere weeks ago, the debate over whether airlines should institute a policy of arming all passengers has recently become a hot topic. After the 9/11 attacks, NRA chief Charleton Heston was quick to point out  that “had even one passenger of the hijacked flights been carrying a loaded gun, these tragedies could have been averted.” In Washington, Congress is close to hashing out a compromise bill in which only those passengers flying in the first-class section would be issued handguns for the duration of the flight.

Trip to WTC canceled

Sunday, September 23rd, 2001 - 11:20 am PDT

Rev. Smith’s scheduled trip to visit the second-tallest buildings in the United States, which he’d been eagerly looking forward to since he bought the plane tickets in mid-July, was officially canceled today. “In light of recent events,” said Smith to confused onlookers, “I have made the decision to call off my planned trip to New York City’s World Trade Center towers.” Smith went on to explain that he was “distraught” by the major airlines’ decision to stop serving in-flight meals, but admitted he would not rule out rescheduling the trip for the near future, traveling instead on a train with a dining car.

Getting back to normal

Monday, September 17th, 2001 - 6:20 am PDT

Taking the president’s advice, in an effort to show that America’s spirit has not been broken, US citizens across the country are attempting to go about lives as normal in the wake the horrific September 11 terrorist attacks. This effort has been an especially difficult task for the thousands of families who lost loved ones in the attack, as well as for those who made it out alive, but with debilitating burns and injuries. But those who will find the effort most difficult are the some 6,000 people who are now dead.

Real and credible evidence

Friday, September 14th, 2001 - 4:49 pm PDT

At a press conference this afternoon, a spokesperson for The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith revealed that Smith may have been an intended target in Tuesday’s terrorist attacks on the United States. Smith had come under fire by critics recently for spending most of Tuesday hiding under his bed clutching a teddy bear. When asked by reporters how Smith could have been a target in a conspiracy which clearly involved crashing hijacked planes into buildings rather than specific individuals, the spokesperson refused to elaborate, saying only that there was “real and credible” evidence that Smith was indeed a target.

US prepares to bomb Florida

Wednesday, September 12th, 2001 - 7:15 pm PDT

Making good on his promise to “make no distinction between terrorists and the countries that host them”, President Bush is preparing to bomb his own country after an FBI investigation found that the terrorists involved in Tuesday’s attack were trained as pilots in Florida. Further bombing may take place in Hamburg, Germany, where these same terrorists were believed to have been living before that. The president’s brother, Gov. Jeb Bush of Florida pleaded with his own brother to spare his life as he seeks vengeance on his home state. “Make no mistake,” said the president, “we will hunt you down and destroy you. God bless America.”