A superior court judge has ruled that Rev. Smith’s practice of taking regular early morning fitness walks flies in the face of what our forefathers had in mind when they framed the guiding principles of our nation’s laws. “By waking up at the crack of dawn and taking a brisk walk through the hillside woods behind your home, Mr. Smith,” said judge Emmanuel Obermauer, “you are making a mockery of everything good and decent in our society’s moral underpinnings.” The judge then sentenced Smith to seventy-two minutes of community service, and added: “Next time wear some clothes, you pervert.”
Throughout the the Old Testament, the figure of Satan receives nary a mention. It is almost as if the whole idea of a powerful archnemesis of God was foreign concept to Judaism until after most or all of the Hebrew Bible had been written. The New Testament, on the other hand, takes Satan completely for granted, never bothering to explain how or why the whole realm of earth has been granted to him. We learn the most about Satan from the book of Revelation where God props him up as enemy, has him deceive the world into worshipping him, only to war against him, and condemn all his worshippers to eternal torture. In our latest set of five new illustrated stories, Satan is cast to Earth and is, ironically enough, received as something of a “godsend” by the surviving population who have endured (and will continue to endure or succumb to) wave after wave of the most gruesome torments from God and his angels.
With his recent nights spent losing sleep over his unexpected pregnancy, Rev. Smith has come to realize he’s in trouble, deep. His friends have repeatedly advised him to give it up, saying he’s too young, he ought to live it up. Smith also approached his father, explaining that what he need right now is some good advice, and beseeching him not to preach. Smith says he was still “in an awful mess” until last night while shopping at the local grocery store, he heard a diembodied voice speaking to him set against a moderate tempo 80s dance beat. In a moment of epiphany, Smith made up his mind. “I’m keeping my baby,” said Smith. “I know I’m gonna keep my baby. Mmmm. Ooooooh.”
Rev. Smith stopped by a local Planned Parenthood clinic today to help sort through his feelings about being pregnant and to get more information about his options. “It’s not that I don’t want to be a father,” Smith explained to a clinic counselor, “but I was raped, and I don’t even know by who.” Smith broke down in tears and added, “I don’t want to have some psycho’s child.” With Smith in his fifth week of pregnancy, the counselor explained that the Abortion Pill is still an option, although she admitted there was not currently enough data to know “whether it works on guys.” Smith vowed to give the matter much serious thought in the upcoming days, and then stopped off on the way home for some chocolate ice cream and pickles.
There’s a popular notion that the Bible gives us two starkly different portrayals of God. There’s the Old Testament God who often directly intervenes in human affairs to bestow favor on particular races, drown people, kill babies, command genocide, or torture people with snakes, and then there’s the New Testament God who seems remote and aloof, and whose son espouses a surprisingly loving, forgiving ethic. But those who read the New Testament carefully know that Jesus drops more than a few hints that God has hardly lost his appetite for destruction, and is instead saving it up for one final gory feast. The Old Testament God, Yahweh, returns to form in the Bible’s final book, Revelation, and in today’s four new illustrated stories we begin to see what sort of plan for humanity ol’ Yahweh has been scheming up during his “quiet years”.
In what medical experts are calling “a miracle”, it appears that The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is the first known male human to become pregnant. Smith was first taken to the hospital yesterday morning after suffering through days of nausea and vomiting. A standard blood test proved to have shocking results when Smith tested positive for the pregnancy hormone, human chorionic gonadotropin. An ultrasound later confirmed the early presence of a yolk sac. Although doctors have flown in from around the country and are excited to study this medical phenomenon, Rev. Smith does not share their enthusiasm. “This shouldn’t be happening!” a near-hysterical Smith was heard to say before revealing to doctors yet another twist to this odd story: “I was raped!”
After Job last November, it was announced that Smith would next be turning his attention to the book of Revelation. “When?” he was asked. “Very soon,” he replied. But when weeks with no website updates stretched into endless long months, many began to despair. Some thought this generation would taste death before it ever came to pass. A select few, however, remained faithful and ever-vigilant, knowing that Smith illustrates like a thief in the night! And now: Behold! Just in time for Easter, it’s the first four illustrated stories from that book of The Bible that has been stretching the meaning of the words “very soon” for nearly 2,000 years.
“Greetings, favored one!” announced the angel Gabriel to Rev. Smith today after appearing unexpectedly in his living room. “Do not be afraid, Brendan, for you have found favor with God. You will become pregnant and give birth to a daughter, and shall name her Anna” “How can this be,” Brendan asked the angel, “since I’m, like, a dude?” The angel answered, “The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Highest will overshadow you. So the holy one to be born will be called the Daughter of God.” Smith slowly backed away from the angel, fumbled for his cell phone and began to dial 911.
In what has become an alarming trend across North America, giant anthropomorphic fast food items have come to life and are eating themselves. On San Francisco’s Pier 39 last week, a giant hot dog was seen squirting its own forehead with ketchup after giving itself eyebrows made of ketchup and mustard. Then today in Vancouver, British Columbia, a giant order of french fries was spotted consuming itself openly in public, causing panicked parents to flee with their terrified children in tow. Local authorities are also keeping an eye on a grotesquely anthropomorphic hamburger in Muncie, IN, that has taken to wearing a chef’s hat and is displaying what psychologists term “self-consumptive gestures”.
In his first days in office, President Obama announced plans to end the Iraq War, close Guantanamo Bay, and solve the US financial crisis. Each intervening week has seen Obama lay out ever more ambitious plans including aid for struggling homeowners, Wall Street reform, a complete overhaul the US tax code, massive improvements in public education, complete energy independence, reduction in crime, a balanced the budget in two years, full payment of the national debt, elimination of all nuclear weapons, feeding the world’s poor, ending all terrorism and religious strife, curing cancer, and colonizing the sun. Obama has said that when all this is accomplished, he will allow himself a long weekend to relax “and turn my attention to some ideas I have about a Grand Unification Theory.”
Declaring today, Saturday, and Sunday a “Final Blowout Sale”, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today made his way throughout the store, slashing prices on everything, including all brand name appliances, designer fashions, quality home furnishings, and more. Many sale items already deeply discounted are now as much as 80 to 95% off. “He must be insane to be doing this,” commented one amazed shopper. “That guy doesn’t even work here.”
Rev. Smith today gave a fiery speech denouncing the practice of animal husbandry in all its forms. “I’m not some kind of pervert, so I don’t know what exactly this whole ‘animal husbandry’ thing is, but it sounds very wrong to me,” said Smith, “very wrong.” He went on to say that he was “pretty sure” it was also an abomination against God. “I understand that in many foreign countries, this so-called ‘occupation’ is the number one form of employment. Well, if you ask me, that’s just fucking gross.”