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The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

Plan B resorted to

Saturday, March 16th, 2002 - 6:33 am PST

After a disastrous attempt at pulling off plan A, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith switched gears today, changing direction 180 degrees, and putting all his remaining effort into a last-ditch attempt at his secondary plan, plan B. “I had sincerely hoped it would not come to this,” said an exhausted Smith as he dropped into an easy chair in his living room and flipped on the TV. “May God have mercy on my soul.”

Out of ammo

Monday, March 11th, 2002 - 9:14 pm PST

Rev. Smith’s recent string of bad luck took a decided turn for the worse early this morning when it was reported that after a long night of battling off the marauding hordes, he is now completely out of ammo. “They’re still approaching from the east and northwest,” stated a distraught Smith as he scavenged through the surrounding rubble for something to fashion into a bludgeoning weapon, “must… resort… to… plan… B.”

Breakfast

Wednesday, March 6th, 2002 - 11:45 am PST

The following were the contents of the breakfast consumed by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith this morning: Half a dozen eggs, sixteen strips of bacon, a super-sized pot of black coffee, an English muffin, a blueberry muffin, a crumpet, a golden brown Belgian waffle coated in strawberries and whipped cream, twelve slices of toasted bread with butter, a cinnamon bun, two bowls of cereal, and an orange.

World prays for Smith

Saturday, March 2nd, 2002 - 11:29 pm PST

Millions of people across the globe are coming together in spirit tonight to pray for the soul of Rev. Smith. “If we don’t pray for this man, who will?” asked Pastor John Thorton of Cloverlake, IN. “Rev. Smith does not realize how special he is in the eyes of God,” stated Vladmir Gorski of St. Petersburg, Russia. “May the mercy of God be with that man tonight,” said Lorraine Dowdy of Blossom, TN, “and may the sweet Lord Jesus keep watch over him through the night.”

Smith willing to speak with negotiators

Tuesday, February 26th, 2002 - 5:47 am PST

Seeing it as perhaps his best chance at getting any of his demands met, Rev. Smith today agreed to talk with police negotiators. The move comes 17 hours into a tense standoff that has had the world glued to its television sets for the latest updates. The ordeal began Monday morning when a casually dressed Smith walked into a local Wienerschnitzel and threatened to remove his pants unless he and his cronies eat for free.

Happiness bought

Friday, February 22nd, 2002 - 11:21 am PST

For just under $75, Rev. Smith bought himself a little bit of happiness last night. The euphoric feelings lasted him well on into the wee hours of the night, and Smith awoke this morning with a smile on his face. “Happiness is the most wonderful thing in life,” pontificated Smith, “and when it comes at a price like that, well, who am I to say no?” After a few more moments reflecting on his experience, Smith resumed the mindless drudgery which is his everyday life.

Role on undeclared in jeopardy

Monday, February 18th, 2002 - 5:58 pm PST

Plans for The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith to guest star on multiple episodes of FOX TV’s undeclared are in jeopardy now that FOX seems poised to cancel the acclaimed show. Smith, who was to be introduced early in season two as a “love interest” for one of the main characters, received the news this afternoon and expressed his dismay. “This sucks,” he said, “and I hear they’re canceling Futurama, too. Fucking morons.”

Booty calls add up

Saturday, February 16th, 2002 - 3:02 pm PST

An analysis of Rev. Smith’s phone bill for the month of January 2002 reveals that booty calls account for a whopping 70% of the total cost. “I’ve got to do something about this,” announced an outraged Smith as he plopped himself down on his easy-chair. “Maybe I should send out those booty calls by email,” he thought to himself aloud, “Then again, I hear Sprint has some sort of deal on booty calls if you switch to their plan.” The matter is as yet unresolved.

The perfect alibi

Monday, February 11th, 2002 - 4:16 am PST

After months of tossing out countless flimsy excuses and unlikely stories, Rev. Smith announced today that he has finally arrived at the perfect alibi. Guaranteed to avert all blame and a surefire bet to avoid any possibility of punishment, Smith told reporters that he is saving the alibi “for a very special occasion”. In a seemingly unrelated story, Smith announced today that he has begun work on devising the perfect crime.

New stories from the New Testament

Thursday, February 7th, 2002 - 8:22 pm PST

As it approaches half a million hits since its October launch, The Brick Testament is pleased to announce the addition of 9 new illustrated stories from the New Testament. Other recent additions to the site include a Press page where the articles from SPIN magazine and The Independent have been scanned, and an FAQ.

Smith faces heavy criticism

Thursday, February 7th, 2002 - 1:15 am PST

Everywhere he has turned over the past week, The Rev, Brendan Powell Smith has faced heavy criticism. First his girlfriend heavily criticized the outfit Smith was wearing. Then his friends laid down some heavy criticism of his basketball skills. Most recently, his own parents were heavily critical of Smith’s recent stint of unemployment. When Smith insisted they refer to it as his “early retirement”, his father pointed out that “retired people aren’t flat broke.”

Adopted at birth

Saturday, February 2nd, 2002 - 6:41 pm PST

Rev. Smith learned for the first time today that he was adopted at birth by a couple who was not his true biological parents. For years he had wondered how an albino black son could have come from white parents, and his suspicions about this issue lead to him to query his parents on the matter directly just this afternoon. “Yep,” his parents informed him, “you were adopted.”