Greased up and ready

Sunday, April 21st, 2002 - 10:12 am PDT

Word came today that Rev. Smith is fully greased up and “ready for anything”. The news evoked audible sighs of relief from frustrated fans from across the county who have been waiting many long weeks in anticipation. Experts say that Smith’s viscosity is now at an all-time high, and marvel that Smith has been able to garner enough friction to hold still at all. Even the slightest bit of momentum, they warned, could keep Smith in motion for days.

FDA approves Smalpox™

Wednesday, April 17th, 2002 - 1:52 pm PDT

The US Food and Drug Administration gave its official seal of approval today to a product called Smalpox™ which has been shown to effectively eliminate signs of healthy aging, such as wrinkled skin and breathing. The product contains trace amounts of the small pox virus, which causes the user to contract the full-blown disease and die within weeks. Several recent studies have shown a dramatic decrease in wrinkled skin — or any skin at all — among people who had used Smalpox™ for at least six months.

BBC interview postponed

Saturday, April 13th, 2002 - 8:29 am PDT

The scheduled interview with Rev. Smith on BBC 4 radio has been indefinitely postponed. In its place, will be airing a three part interview with American actor Tony Danza who is to star in a new television remake of the hit British comedy Fawlty Towers. Danza will star in the role made famous by comedian John Cleese. Among other minor changes, the show’s main character’s name has been changed to Basil “Tony” Fawlty. The series premiers next fall on ABC.

Smith talks up Brick Testament on radio

Thursday, April 11th, 2002 - 10:40 pm PDT

Rev. Smith was a guest on Las Vegas radio KSFN this morning, chatting about The Brick Testament with hosts Ken and Jim. Those of you in the UK will get the chance to hear Smith talk with Roger Bolton on BBC 4 radio this Sunday, sometime between 7:10 and 7:55am GMT, and also, those of you in the greater Portland, NH, area, can tune in to WHEB at 9:30am EST on Thursday April 18th to hear Smith on The Morning Buzz show.

God tests Smith

Monday, April 8th, 2002 - 3:29 pm PDT

Almighty God spoke to The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith last night, instructing him to buy a machine gun and massacre innocent civilians at the local mall. This morning, Smith bought himself a gun and plenty of ammunition. Entering the mall, he took aim at the nearest passerby. As his finger was about to squeeze the trigger, an angel of God spoke, saying, “Brendan, do not harm these people. Now that I see you would do this for me, you shall lead a blessed life.” Smith then saw a deer in a nearby field and shot the bajeezus out of it.

Unnecessary surgery

Thursday, April 4th, 2002 - 4:13 pm PST

Doctors report that Rev. Smith is recovering well from his third round of unnecessary surgery. Concern was raised yesterday when Smith temporarily “flatlined” while a team of doctors attempted to replace Smith’s small intestine and his brain, having previously mixed up the two. Smith entered the hospital’s emergency room on Tuesday with a clean bill of health.

Sodom & Gomorrah

Monday, April 1st, 2002 - 12:09 pm PST

One of the Bible’s most beloved stories which has touched the souls of millions of believers across the globe, that of Sodom & Gomorrah has now been rendered in LEGO and added to Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament. Go and see it today or tomorrow you’ll wish you had. Or go see it tomorrow. The choice is yours.

Church Times article on Brick Testament

Thursday, March 28th, 2002 - 4:50 am PST

Today’s Easter edition of the London weekly Church Times is running a feature of The Brick Testament. Check page three of this publication, on newsstands today. Later on, check the press page at The Brick Testament to see this and other articles from SPIN magazine and the UK’s Independent on Sunday.

UN creates Native American ‘Homeland’

Tuesday, March 26th, 2002 - 3:46 pm PST

Seeing its great success with Israel, the United Nations voted overwhelmingly today to create a new nation for the various Native American tribes living in North America. The new nation, known as Homeland, becomes the largest in the world, taking up 98% of the land area of what was once The United States and Canada. The former residents of these two former nations are eligible for free deportation or are welcome two stay in the country, living at designated “reservation” areas in the deserts of Arizona and New Mexico. The near-unanimous UN vote was objected to by only two nations, the US and Canada.

Smith dismissed from military service

Saturday, March 23rd, 2002 - 6:52 pm PST

Though never having enlisted nor served his country, the United States military today issued The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith an honorary dishonorable discharge. “For hypothetical acts unbecoming of a soldier of the United States Armed Forces that it is assumed you would have undertaken had you ever been one,” read the engraved inscription on the plaque that was handed to Smith at a brief ceremony at West Point attended by Vice President Dick Cheney and comedian Carrot Top.

Worn out crotch

Saturday, March 23rd, 2002 - 10:03 am PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was alarmed today to discover that the crotch section of more than half of his boxer shorts have worn through. “I’ve had most of these for less than a year,” said a confused Smith with a furrowed brow. “Is it the poor quality of the shorts, or do my testicles somehow release some slightly acidic substance that slowly eats through the silk?” Smith shook his head, put on a pair of damaged underwear and continued on with his day.

Smith mistaken for Jesus

Tuesday, March 19th, 2002 - 7:40 pm PST

The phenomenal popularity of Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament has provided for some wacky incidents of late, the most recent including Smith being mistaken for Jesus Christ almighty by not one, not two, but a hundred and seventy-four different people within the last week. “I don’t see what the confusion is about,” remarked Smith. “I mean, with this beard we look a little alike, but our eye color is totally different.”