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The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

The Midas touch

Saturday, June 15th, 2002 - 4:19 pm PDT

After polishing up an old lamp in his attic, Rev. Smith was briefly stricken this week with a condition known in medical circles as “the Midas touch” in which everything the sufferer touches turns instantly into pure gold. A boon to the victim at first, the condition generally has unforeseen catastrophic consequences. Within minutes after being stricken Smith had become the world’s richest man, but by the end of the second day, Smith had touched so many things that gold itself became massively devalued, becoming worth less than aluminum foil. Smith was miraculously cured from the condition after drinking a can of OK Soda.

Time magazine features Brick Testament

Tuesday, June 11th, 2002 - 11:34 am PDT

The current issue of Time magazine includes a small feature on the new popularity of LEGO among adults. Prominently mentioned is The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s The Brick Testament, and the image accompanying the piece is his rendition of The Last Supper in LEGO. The story can be found of page 16 of the 17 June 2002 issue, under the ‘New Trends’ heading, just beneath the story about dogs on prozac.

Pregnant Chelsea

Friday, June 7th, 2002 - 9:51 pm PDT

Several tabloids this week are reporting that former first daughter Chelsea Clinton is secretly pregnant, but the issue which remains unanswered is just whose baby she is carrying. Many were quick to suspect our own Rev. Smith of being the father, despite his claims of having gotten a vasectomy back in 1997 to prevent just such a state of events from ever coming about. Also toward the top of the list of suspects is Chelsea current beau Ian Klaus.

Ego trip

Monday, June 3rd, 2002 - 6:16 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith embarks today on a two week tour of the United States with the sole purpose of boosting his already over-inflated sense of self-worth. At each stop of his journey, Smith will be greeted by throngs of ardent supporters and crowds of screaming fans, eager to sing his praises, and willing to completely overlook his shortcomings. When Smith’s personal doctor warned that such a trip could lead to a potentially fatal case of megalomania, Smith replied, “I could crush you with a flick of my pinky.”

New look, new stories at Brick Testament

Wednesday, May 29th, 2002 - 8:03 am PDT

Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament website was updated today with eight new stories from the Old Testament. Returning visitors will notice the site’s new convenient new layout with stories organized into biblical books, and a “latest additions” link to take you to the newest illustrated stories. Also worth noting is the peppy new Brick Testament logo which you can now find on an assortment of crappy, overpriced merchandise you’re sure to love.

The Brick Testament at a million

Sunday, May 19th, 2002 - 5:10 am PDT

Just eight months after its launch, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s The Brick Testament website has vaulted past the one million hits milestone by which all websites are judged. “All websites that have not received a million hits are total worthless crap,” announced a spokesperson for Rev. Smith. Fans of the website who gathered this morning outside Smith’s residence in hopes of congratulating him in person were cruelly driven away by men armed with erasable pens.

Larceny!

Wednesday, May 15th, 2002 - 8:16 pm PDT

The statute of limitations for his crimes now expired, Rev. Smith revealed to the press today that he is a former larcenist, having committed many acts of larceny during the years 1996 and 1997. Most of these acts, said Smith, who was unemployed at the time, were to make possible the filming of his 1997 movie Vendetta: A Christmas Story, which has become a much beloved amateur film since its 1999 release on the internet.

Garbanzos on the gazebo

Saturday, May 11th, 2002 - 11:15 am PDT

Rev. Smith spent the better half of a lazy Saturday morning sitting outside on the gazebo eating garbanzo beans. Around noon he retired to the living room where he ate some gazpacho and pistachios while watching Pinocchio. In the evening he listened to Krokus in his Ford Focus, and when he had had quite enough, he scurried on home for some curried bread crumbs; now he’s sleeping and won’t wake up.

Smith denies being a Honky

Tuesday, May 7th, 2002 - 11:40 am PDT

Allegations of having spent the early 90s in a white rap group were vehemently denied by Rev. Smith at a press concurrence this morning. For months rumors have circulated that Smith closely resembles The Reverend, a member of the now defunct rap outfit the 3 HONKEES who scored a minor hit in 1992 with their song Kill Da Bitch, but were quickly dismissed after their 1994 movie debut. Repeatedly questioned on the matter, Smith became indignant, asking reporters, “How could I be a honky when I’m albino black?”

You can help suicide bombers

Friday, May 3rd, 2002 - 9:24 pm PDT

After a suicide bomber blows himself up, there is little that anyone can do to help him. But a recent study suggests that most suicide bombers give signs of their impending action before taking it. If someone you know is talking — even joking — about becoming a suicide bomber, take them seriously and try to get them to see a qualified counselor. It is estimated that for every successful suicide bombing reported in the news, there are ten unsuccessful suicide bombing attempts. One in five US adults has considered becoming a suicide bomber at some point in their lives.

Smith drunk on own power, booze

Monday, April 29th, 2002 - 3:07 am PDT

Rev. Smith went mad with power today shortly after being named chairman of the recreation committee for the local home owners association. Wasting no time abusing his newfound powers, Smith commandeered the microphone and ordered the community pool to be filled with Jell-O. Further, he commanded mandatory pink flamingo lawn ornaments for all neighborhood residences. After a loud belch he resigned from office and passed out on the floor.

Pope honors Rev. Smith

Thursday, April 25th, 2002 - 2:11 pm PDT

The pope took time out of his grueling schedule today to honor The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith. Though first noting that he still has “issues” with some of Smith’s LEGO illustrations of The Bible, and making it clear that that he remains “uncomfortable” with Smith’s continued use of the “Reverend” designation without ever having been ordained in by a Christian church, the frail 81-year-old John Paul said he commends Smith for “never having molested little boys — which is more than I can say about some of our most trusted church officers.”