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The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith

Balls

Friday, September 27th, 2002 - 9:22 pm PDT

Rev. Smith proved he could play hardball this week when in a balls-out move he pushed himself balls to the wall even when it was cold enough to freeze the balls off a brass monkey. “Smith was really on the ball from square one,” said spectator Bill Bollingsworth, “he got the ball rolling when he announced he could hold his own against all comers. He almost dropped the ball at one point when he lost his bearing, but then when he turned it around, I almost balled.” Added Bollingsworth: “That sort of thing takes balls of steel. I’d give my left nut for balls like that.”

Glass ceiling

Tuesday, September 24th, 2002 - 4:02 pm PDT

For the fourth time in as many days, Rev. Smith whacked his head on the glass ceiling of his apartment. “Dammit!” shouted Smith, rubbing his head. “I knew I should have installed these things higher.” Smith installed the transparent ceilings throughout his apartment last week, thinking it would be a cool way to display things overhead. “I thought it might be a cool to way to show off my Jones Soda collection or all my old Star Wars figures,” said Smith, “but instead I just keep whacking my head into it.”

Smith takes job, shoves it

Sunday, September 15th, 2002 - 11:40 pm PDT

Running low on funds, Rev. Smith took a job this week at Kentucky Fried Owl. After a two-day training period, Smith began his position as vice president in charge of fries. After only three days on the job, however, Smith decided that $4.30 per hour was not nearly enough compensate for the grueling work schedule, patronizing treatment from upper management, and backbreaking labor, not to mention the constant stench of fried owls. Having made up his mind, Smith took the job and shoved it right up his ass.

Small 9/11 tribute

Tuesday, September 10th, 2002 - 7:27 pm PDT

In remembrance of the terrible event which changed America, Rev. Smith today made a small gesture to the brave souls who lost their lives on September 11, 2001, by playing the numbers 9-1-1 in the New York State Lottery. “It’s not much, I admit,” said Smith, “but the proceeds of this lottery go to fund schools in New York state. That’s helping kids, some of whom are no doubt victims of that tragic event of one year ago tomorrow. And that’s important to me.” Should those numbers happen to be drawn, Smith stands to win up to $2,607,250.

Smith celebrates umpteenth birthday

Saturday, September 7th, 2002 - 2:29 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith celebrated his umpteenth birthday today with a small gathering of his closest celebrity friends. “Friends,” said Smith, “ten years ago, if you had told me I would even live to see my umpteenth birthday, I would have kicked you in the shins and told you you were crazy. But now that I stand here amongst you, barely kept alive by these two breathing mechanisms they call ‘lungs’, I know for the first time in my life just what it feels like to be umpteen. Thank you, and goodnight.”

The Exodus begins

Wednesday, September 4th, 2002 - 3:28 pm PDT

The Brick Testament is pleased to announce its continued illustration of The Bible in LEGO with four new stories from the book of Exodus. In addition, available for the first time ever is The Brick Testament’s only merchandise made entirely out of LEGO bricks: The Holy Trinity. Get Jesus, God, and The Holy Ghost cast in LEGO, exactly as they appear in stories from The Brick Testament. Supplies of this set are limited, so order yours today.

Brick shithouse

Tuesday, August 27th, 2002 - 1:10 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today became the proud owner of an abandoned brick shithouse. The historic landmark was the first of its kind in California when it was originally built in 1847, and saw extensive use during the Mexican-American war. “It’s a bit of a fixer-upper I’ll admit,” said Smith “but if no one bought it, the town was just going to tear it down and put in a Starbucks. So I ask you: what would you rather have in your town, a brick shithouse or another Starbucks?”

Such is life

Saturday, August 24th, 2002 - 8:38 pm PDT

After dealing him a harsh series of recent blows, Rev. Smith’s hard luck continued this week when on Friday life gave him lemons. Hoping to make the best of a bad situation, Smith used the lemons to make lemonade. His plans backfired however, when upon tasting the lemonade, he found that it was rancid. Spitting out the lemonade in disgust, Smith turned to go to the bathroom, but slipped over the spit-up lemonade and fell flat on his ass.

Coalition of nations prepares to invade US

Wednesday, August 21st, 2002 - 5:43 am PDT

A broad coalition of nations today announced plans topple the current US government which is widely believed to be stockpiling weapons of mass destruction. “This evil regime must be brought down,” said Dutch prime minister Wim Kok, “even if that means resorting to military force.” The coalition is planning a campaign of air strikes against US missile factories and nuclear weapon silos. This could then be followed by months of bombing raids aimed at key military and infrastructure targets, with a final invasion planned for early 2003. “The US has these weapons, and has proven itself capable of using them,” noted prime minister Junichiro Koizumi of Japan. “They must be stopped.”

Smith jumps out of airplane

Friday, August 16th, 2002 - 9:09 pm PDT

Defying death, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today jumped out of an passenger airplane without so much as a parachute. “It was the thrill of a lifetime,” commented Smith later on his foolhardy act of insane bravado, “I don’t think I’d ever do it again, and I’m very glad to be alive, but it sure was a hell of a rush!” After sailing through the air, Smith landed on his own two feet without so much as toppling to one side or the other. He then walked away without injury. Experts believe Smith was able to survive such a jump unharmed only because the plane was grounded, docked, and not moving at the time.

Hunger strike raises awareness

Monday, August 12th, 2002 - 7:07 am PDT

In an attempt to bring attention to the plight of hunger strikers throughout the world, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today went on a hunger strike. “How can I eat food while the hunger strikers of the world go hungry?” asked Smith. “I cannot sit idly by as my fellow strikers are allowed to starve themselves away to nothingness. Self-imposed hunger is not a problem that will go away on its own.” Smith’s strike ended later in the day when he “got so hungry [he] couldn’t take it anymore” and ordered two pizzas which he devoured by himself. “I strongly urge all hunger strikers to do the same,” said Smith, wiping tomato sauce off of his chin.

Smith warns forces of evil not to attack

Thursday, August 8th, 2002 - 11:36 am PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith issued a strong warning today, saying he will brook no aggression from what he termed the ‘forces of evil’. This new warning comes on the heels of Smith’s pronouncement last week against the ‘axis of evil’ which he identified as consisting of Iraq, North Korea, the Canadian province of Saskatchewan, and Switzerland. Particularly concerned about the Swiss, Smith has taken to wearing heavy vest which he claims is “virtually army-knife proof”.