The Brick Testament parts the Red Sea

Friday, November 22nd, 2002 - 8:47 pm PST

The illustrated Exodus saga continues today with five brand new stories now online at See manna fall from the sky! Watch as water pours from solid rock! And behold as a great sea splits in two, only to to collapse back on itself, killing thousands. And while you’re at it, don’t forget to buy your loved ones an official Brick Testament LEGO Holy Trinity — while supplies last!

Interior designer redesigns Smith’s interiors

Monday, November 18th, 2002 - 3:35 pm PST

Citing a need to “shake thing up a little bit”, Rev. Smith this week hired renown European interior designer Hans Dübeck to redesign his interiors. After six days of intense work the task was complete. “It’s not exactly what I expected,” commented Smith, whose pancreas, liver, left lung, and gall bladder were removed by Dübeck “to create more space”. “But I guess I can sort of get used to it,” said Smith, the location of whose brain and small instestine has been swapped. “I guess,” added Smith before collapsing.

Smith attends Danza funeral

Thursday, November 14th, 2002 - 7:04 pm PST

It was a solemn occasion this morning as Rev. Smith attended the funeral of longtime friend and associate Tony Danza who was killed earlier this week in an apparent terrorist attack on the Danza compound in Tarzana, CA. “We didn’t always see eye-to-eye on every issue,” said Smith who had a major falling out with the former star of Who’s the Boss? and The Tony Danza Show a couple of years back, “but Tony was an extraordinary man, both on and off screen.” After delivering a short eulogy to his departed friend, Smith tore his clothes, put ash on his head and wore sackcloth for the rest of the day.

Fictitious fortune

Sunday, November 10th, 2002 - 5:02 am PST

Going into business with his imaginary friend last February 31st, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith established a fictitious business entitled Ephemeral Dreams, Incorporeal. The company became an immediate success in the mind of its owner, providing highly sought after fictitious goods and services to a fictitious clientele across the globe. Smith made his initial fortune after this summer’s Imaginary Public Offering, and amassed even more fantastic wealth when he recently sold the company to Gill Bates in a stock swap valued by Smith at nearly $3.43 billion.

The weight of the world

Monday, October 28th, 2002 - 10:56 am PST

Since the dawn of man, philosophers and statisticians alike have pondered the weight of the world. While the ancient Greek mathematician Himonedes put the number at 679 trillion tons, while the ancient Egyptians believed it closer to 15,000 million kulat. In the 1800s, Englishman Reginald Bixley attempted to a to first arrive at the volume of the world using the displacement of water method, but failed miserably, resulting in untold havoc and misery. Today’s scientists have solved the problem in a more roundabout way, declaring that the exact weight of the world as we know it is precisely 1 Earth.

Smith found face-down at local bar

Thursday, October 24th, 2002 - 3:13 pm PDT

Close friends expressed concern after finding Rev. Smith face-down at the salad bar of the local Pizza Hut Wednesday night. “This sort of behavior is indeed worrisome,” said brother Liam Powell. “We haven’t seen Brendan in this sort of condition since his grade school days.” Friends took Smith home where they put a pillow under his feet and splashed hot coffee on his face. “I remember having an intense craving for bacon bits,” said Smith, attempting to piece together the events of that evening, “then things get kind of fuzzy, and I blacked out.”

Brick Testament update #842710c

Monday, October 21st, 2002 - 1:17 am PDT

For a second time this month, The Brick Testament updates with new stories from the continuing saga of Exodus. Watch in amazement as God appears to Moses in the form of a burning bush! Scratch your head as he later attacks Moses for no apparent reason! And while you’re at it, remember to stop by the Brick Testament merchandise page — we still have a limited number of Holy Trinity sets left! Don’t delay! Order yours today!

Jesus would invade Iraq

Sunday, October 20th, 2002 - 4:40 pm PDT

Seeking spiritual guidance, US President George W. Bush today paused for a moment to ask himself “What would Jesus do?”. After a moment’s reflection, Bush informed close aids of his absolute certainty sure that if Jesus Christ were president, he would make plans to invade Iraq, killing thousands upon thousands of Iraqi citizens if necessary to further US corporate interests. Once a US-friendly Iraqi government was established, Bush went on, Jesus would then revert to the Reagan-era US policy of selling chemical weapons to Iraq.

Random Violence lists ins and outs

Wednesday, October 16th, 2002 - 4:31 am PDT

Unofficial arbiter of all that is cool and uncool in the world of modern violent crimes, this month’s issue of Random Violence magazine features its annual Ins & Outs for Fall/Winter 2002. Inside we learn that while child abduction seemed totally hip this spring, it is now on its way out. And school shootings, which took the scene by storm in recent years are now viewed as “so last millennium”. Heading up the in list are small scale terrorist bombings such as the recent Finland mall blast and devastating Bali explosion, and to no one’s surprise, anonymous random sniper attacks are considered “all the rage”.

Smith removed from pot of cheese

Saturday, October 12th, 2002 - 3:38 pm PDT

Indulging in a longtime fantasy, Smith yesterday dove headlong into a pot of melted cheese, a blend of 50% Swiss gruyere and 50% Swiss ementhaler. Euphoric, Smith swam and ate his way through the cheese for hours on end. But when the giant Sterno heater being used to heat the pot finally gave out, Smith found himself stuck in a mammoth pot of congealed cheese from which escape seemed nigh impossible. But when Smith failed to make a dinner engagement that evening, concerned friends dialed 911, and after a seven hour ordeal, a team of dedicated firemen were able to free Smith using the jaws of life.

Recent sniper deaths apparently work of God

Tuesday, October 8th, 2002 - 6:32 pm PDT

It was reported today that DC-area police got their first major break in the case of the serial sniper who has so far killed six and wounded two. In what appears to be a signed confession left behind at the most recent crime scene, the sniper revealed himself to be none other than God. Although not previously a suspect in the case, expert criminologists believe the recent spate of random shootings to be consistent with God’s previous acts of directly intervening in human events to smite those that have for one reason or another offended him.

Locusts, and Boils, and Frogs — oh, my!

Friday, October 4th, 2002 - 9:51 am PDT

The Brick Testament is celebrating it’s first birthday today with an update of biblical proportions: The Ten Plagues. If you didn’t think God was serious about taking his people out of Egypt, think again. Also, in merchandise news: there are now only 25 of the Holy Trinity LEGO sets left. If you want one before they’re gone, order soon. Remember, there’s only 81 days left until Christmas!