Bush to fix economy with start of new war

Saturday, March 15th, 2003 - 5:12 pm PST

US President George W. Bush today revealed that over the past six months he has been secretly investing billions and billions of taxpayer dollars into gambling on the precise date the war on Iraq will begin. Having used hundreds of trusted private citizens as proxies to place thousands upon thousands of separate bets with Internet-based gambling agencies and private bookies, Bush declared that when US planes begin bombing the bajeezus out of Iraq and its citizens in the upcoming weeks, “everybody wins.”

Brick Testament: rebellion & repercussions

Wednesday, March 12th, 2003 - 1:58 am PST

The Brick Testament celebrates its 100th illustrated Bible story today with the unveiling of nine new stories from the Israelites’ continued wanderings in The Wilderness. Join the increasingly hopeless Chosen People as they desperately rebel against God and then face the devastating wrath of the most loving, caring, and merciful being in the universe.

Laser eye surgery

Saturday, March 8th, 2003 - 3:22 pm PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith reported today that he is seriously considering getting laser eye surgery. “I read this pamphlet about it at the mall, and it seems pretty cool,” said Smith. “I’ve always wanted to have a laser eye.” Smith went on to describe the new things this surgery would allow him to do. “I could shine it on the movie screen when I’m at the theater. OK, that’s pretty lame,” said Smith, “but I bet it could also work as a can opener if I shoot the laser around the edge of the can.” Smith later added that he would try to use his new powers “only for good”.

Terror alert: green

Tuesday, March 4th, 2003 - 4:30 pm PST

The US government today put Rev. Smith’s personal terror alert at “green”, which indicates that there is no immediate danger of a terrorist attack against Smith. “As long as he stays out of major metropolises, especially New York and Washington, DC, the terror outlook for Rev. Smith looks quite good. Nothing to worry about,” said an aide to Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. Earlier in the month, Smith’s terror alert was briefly bumped up to “blue”, or “slightest possibility of danger”, when Smith entered his local town hall to pay his electricity bill.

Smith signs books at local bookstore

Wednesday, February 26th, 2003 - 8:41 pm PST

From noon to 2:30pm today, Rev. Smith was present at local bookstore Printer’s Inc. in order to sign books. “He must have signed about a thousand books while he was here,” commented cashier Amy Feltz. “He was busy from the moment he got here until the moment we finally caught on to what he was doing and asked him to leave.” After Smith was forcibly ejected from the store, clerks said they found Smith’s signature on books throughout the store, in nearly every department, none of which he had personally authored.

Lightning strikes same place twice

Friday, February 21st, 2003 - 11:49 am PST

Flying in the face of a the conventional wisdom that has been widely accepted for hundreds of years, scientists today revealed that lightning can and does strike the same place twice. In fact, there is one place that scientists now believe is struck by lightning up to ten times every single second, or up to 8.6 million times per day. That place is called Earth. “This new discovery,” noted Dr. Edsel Montgomery, “may change the whole way in which we think about the concept of ‘place’.”

Shooting fish in a barrel

Tuesday, February 18th, 2003 - 5:04 pm PST

Rev. Smith has taken his two favorite sports, fishing and riflery, and combined them into an exciting new pastime: shooting fish in a barrel. All this week Smith has been in practice for what he hopes will be accepted as an exhibition event at the 2004 Olympics in Athens. “It’s not as easy as it sounds,” commented Smith between firing rounds from his brand new Weatherby Orion Side-by-Side .41 gauge shotgun. “Once that barrel fully disintegrates, those fishes can really move.” Added Smith, “For a while, at least.”

Smith denies drug use

Friday, February 14th, 2003 - 11:19 pm PST

At a hastily organized press conference today, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith vehemently denied recent charges of drug use. “I am not now, and have never been a user of drugs,” stated Smith. He categorically denied having ever tried even such socially acceptable drugs as caffeine or ibuprofen, and when pressed further, Smith cast doubt on the assertion that drugs even exist, arguing the the entire concept of drugs contains logical fallacies that can be known a priori to prohibit their actual existence, much less preclude the possibility of his use or abuse such imaginary substances.

Man claims lives of 6.3 billion

Monday, February 10th, 2003 - 7:56 pm PST

An Oregon man today claimed the lives of 6.3 billion in a chilling speech that has taken the world by total surprise. “Today I claim the lives of 6.3 billion,” said the man — whose name has not yet been released — in a televised speech that was short and to the point. Expert news analysts, noting that the population of the entire Earth is 6.3 billion, are casting serious doubt on the man’s claim. “Then again,” noted one analyst, “maybe he wasn’t talking about human beings at all.”

The Brick Testament enters The Wilderness

Thursday, February 6th, 2003 - 1:49 am PST

Follow along with Moses, Aaron, and the whole gang as the God’s Chosen People head into The Wilderness over at TheBrickTestament.com. Look for six exciting new illustrated stories taken from the books of Leviticus and Numbers in which the hapless Israelites grapple with their most formidable of adversary of all, Yahweh himself. Also be sure to stop by the BT merchandise page, because the Holy Trinity set is now officially back in stock!

High tea

Sunday, February 2nd, 2003 - 3:10 pm PST

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith enjoyed high tea with the queen yesterday afternoon at Roquinfort Palace. “Things got off to a shaky start,” admitted Smith, “when I accidentally dropped my cucumber sandwich into my tea, splashing scalding hot water on the archduke of Vonshire.” Remembering proper etiquette, Smith swiftly switched clothes with the archduke and penned him a formal letter of apology as the tea ceremony continued. The rest of the afternoon went smoothly, though things were shaky for Smith again later that night when the seventeen cups of tea he drank kept him up all night.

State of the Brendan Address

Tuesday, January 28th, 2003 - 8:12 pm PST

This evening, Rev. Smith gave his annual State of the Brendan address in which told his audience that he believes the state of the Brendan is strong, and that the number one threat to his security is Iraq. Smith passed up the chance to speak about his fiscal plans for the future and his current state of employment, but instead outlined a plan to deploy his left leg to the Persian Gulf to counter the mounting international threat of Saddam Hussein and his pure evilness.