Of snakes, massacres, and talking donkeys

Friday, May 9th, 2003 - 1:44 am PDT

The Brick Testament updates today with six brand new illustrated Bible stories documenting the continuing saga of the Israelites on their harrowing journey through the Wilderness. Join in on the fun as God slaughters his own chosen people and then helps them slaughter other peoples. A good time is guaranteed for all. (Under 18 not admitted without parent or legal guardian.)

Smith earns extra life

Monday, May 5th, 2003 - 7:02 pm PDT

God granted Rev. Smith and extra life today when Smith redeemed 100 gold coins that he had collected during his recent travels. “Those last few coins were really hard to find,” noted Smith as he wiped sweat from his brow, “they were really hidden well.” Smith went on to say that without having temporarily doubled in size after eating a giant mushroom, he wouldn’t have made it past the Hammer Brothers. Smith says he isn’t sure yet how he plans to spend his extra life, but says that knowing it’s there makes him much less fearful of death during this lifetime.

Sharing now illegal

Sunday, April 27th, 2003 - 6:30 am PDT

In what is being hailed as a great victory for the Recording Industry Association of America, all forms of sharing have been declared illegal today by the US Supreme Court. The sweeping landmark decision effectively outlaws everything from controversial internet song-swapping, to letting a friend borrow your comb. “When you buy something, it is yours and nobody else’s,” said RIAA head Hilary Rosen. “Even if you like someone and they ask very politely, under no circumstances should anything be shared with anyone. This is the moral standard we have upheld today, and can proudly pass on to our children’s generation.”

Cure worse than the disease

Wednesday, April 23rd, 2003 - 11:09 am PDT

At a somber press conference today, top US scientists announced that a cure for the deadly SARS virus has been found, but also that the cure is far, far worse than the disease. Spokesperson and former US Surgeon General C. Everett Koop explained: “Without our treatment, there is a decent chance that a young and otherwise healthy SARS victim will recover. But after ingesting this newly developed serum, the patient, though fully and immediately cured of SARS, will quickly devolve into a mutant zombie killing-machine that can respawn asexually.”

Smith all smiles

Saturday, April 19th, 2003 - 10:14 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was all smiles today from the moment he awoke until he retired for the night. Everyone he met was greeted with a grin, and his upbeat demeanor caught many of his associates off-guard. By day’s end, his constantly beaming visage had polarized onlookers. “That guy is really starting to creep me out,” said Betty, 25. “Is he selling something?” asked Dan, 29, “he must be selling something.” Others disagreed: “No,” said William, 28, “I think he’s just happy.”

Foreseeable future to end soon

Tuesday, April 15th, 2003 - 1:54 pm PDT

According to experts, the the foreseeable future will end on June 16, 2003. On that date, all previous plans and prospective outlooks that have invoked the phrase “for the foreseeable future” will become effectively moot, and according to noted chronologist Timothy Etravel, “all bets will be off.” The foreseeable future began on February 3, 1999. “Even back then, we knew it would only last about four years,” said Etravel, “yet it still comes as a bit of a shock to us now to realize how close we are to the end.” Looking ahead, Etravel advised, “there is no real reason to worry. Everything should be continuing on pretty much as normal, at least, that is, for the foreseeable future.”

Attack on Iraq: game or not?

Friday, April 11th, 2003 - 7:23 pm PDT

With the fall of Baghdad to US forces, Iraq’s UN ambassador Mohammed Al-Douri declared on Wednesday that “the game is over”. Asked to respond to Al-Douri’s comment, US Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld said: “Well, I would say it wasn’t a game, first.” Then today the US Defense Department issued a custom deck of playing cards to thousands of US troops in Iraq, each card bearing the face of an Iraqi senior official the US wants pursued, captured, or killed. Commented one US defense official, “Clearly this is one game in which we will end up holding the ace of spades.”

Pope declares childbirth immoral

Wednesday, April 9th, 2003 - 3:22 pm PDT

Reversing the Vatican’s long-held stance against all artificial forms of birth-control, Pope John Paul II today publicly denounced the practice of human reproduction. “To bring a new child into this morally-deprived world is in itself a morally-drepived act,” said the aging pontiff. “If we all stop having children starting today, we can bring about the end of this sinful race within one hundred and twenty years.” The pope went on to explain that the church’s former pro-procreation stance had been based on a misinterpretation of scripture. “The ‘go forth and multiply’ command was given to Noah and his three sons — not to everybody. Sorry for the confusion.”

Smith purchases death bed

Saturday, April 5th, 2003 - 9:49 pm PST

While furniture shopping for his new home today, Rev. Smith made what may well be one of the most significant furniture-related purchases of his life: his death bed. “As soon as I saw it,” said a still-excited Smith, “I knew this would be the bed I would die in.” Smith went on to show off the many finer points of the bed. “It’s a Cal-King, which means they’ll be plenty of room for people to sit at my bedside and mourn,” said Smith. “Plus it’s longer than a traditional king-size, so I can really stretch out.” Though Smith does not foresee his own death anytime in the near future, he takes great comfort by the fact that when it comes, he “will be enjoying the unparalleled luxury of the CloudNine┬« patented Sleep System DeluxeT.”

US anti-Freedom sentiment grows

Tuesday, April 1st, 2003 - 2:21 am PST

Beginning with newly rechristened “Freedom Fries” in the US House of Representatives cafeteria, a wave of anti-Freedomism has swept across the nation in response to that country’s lack of support for the US-led invasion of Iraq. On Monday, the US government ordered all globes and world maps to be recalled so that the country of Freedom can re-labelled. “We choose to take the high road in this matter,” commented US president Bush, “It is only by changing what we call those naysaying foreigners that we can maturely teach them a lesson. If the people of Freedom are going to be anti-US, then you can bet the people of the US will just as surely be anti-Freedom.”

Extra security at Oscars frustrates terrorists

Sunday, March 23rd, 2003 - 7:21 pm PST

Terrorist organizations worldwide expressed great frustration today at the plan for heightened security at this year’s Oscar Awards show. The US government has long known that anti-US terrorists want nothing more than to strike at America’s most precious resources, it’s movie stars. “These celebrities must be protected at all costs,” stated Homeland Security Director Tom Ridge. “We are pulling security away from other potential terrorist targets all over the greater Los Angeles area,” said LA Police Chief William J. Bratton. “No rogue nation or militant group is going to harm our country’s superstars tonight.”

Jesus gives final approval, war begins

Wednesday, March 19th, 2003 - 11:45 pm PST

After nearly two thousand years of espousing a strict policy of neighborly love and nonviolence, going so far as to recommend we “turn the other cheek” when struck by an enemy, our lord and savior Jesus Christ this evening revealed that he is in full support of the United States in making a massive preemptive attack on Iraq. In a cabinet meeting tonight, Jesus himself delivered the go-ahead for war directly to US president and born-again Christian George W. Bush with two words: “let’s go.”