Rev. Smith graces cover of The Door

Saturday, July 5th, 2003 - 1:10 am PDT

Religious satire magazine The Door has sunk to new lows this month, putting The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith on the cover of its July-August 2003 issue. “When a magazine throws some sex symbol on the cover just to sell a few extra magazines, it’s despicable,” noted longtime reader Anne O’Connor. “I mean, really, what does Brendan Powell Smith have to do with religious satire?” Those who would like to make up their on minds can find the seven page interview (with an accompanying 12-image pictorial) in the magazine section of most major booksellers, or can read it online at the magazine’s website.

Honoring America

Friday, July 4th, 2003 - 4:55 pm PDT

Rev. Smith took time out of his busy schedule today to honor the anniversary of America’s independence from Great Britain. Waving a burning union jack flag, Smith was heard to chant “Tony Blair is the Great Satan”. He later made a cup of tea and then immediately poured it down the toilet. “God bless America,” said Smith.

Genital mutilation is widespread

Friday, June 27th, 2003 - 4:24 am PDT

Many in the West are aware that ritual genital mutilation is practiced by certain African cultures, but a shocking new study by the New England Journal of Medicine reveals that the practice of genital mutilation is just as common right here in the United States. According to the study, up to 64% of healthy US male infants have a section of their penis surgically removed shortly after birth, long before any sense of reasonable informed consent could be hoped for. And because this medically unnecessary procedure is often done with the express consent of the infant’s parents, psychologists fear that such early childhood trauma can lead to a lifelong sense of mistrust and apprehension.

Laying down The Law

Monday, June 23rd, 2003 - 7:31 pm PDT

The Brick Testament updates today with the first four illustrated stories in a brand new section of the website called The Law. Here you will find many of God’s laws and commandments, as dictated to Moses, thoughtfully illustrated in easy-to-follow instructions. Know them. Study them. Meditate on them. And fret not, there will be many more to come in the weeks ahead. So keep your pants on.

Over Smith’s dead body

Thursday, June 19th, 2003 - 3:47 am PDT

Rev. Smith announced today that the only way he will be attending his own funeral is “over my dead body”. An outraged Smith made it clear that, so long as he has a breath of life left in him, he will take whatever measures are necessary to avoid attending his own funerary services. “Some people might fancy the idea of attending their own burial or memorial service, but not me,” said Smith, “No way. I’ll die before I let that happen.”

“Never stop dreaming” says Smith

Saturday, June 14th, 2003 - 8:19 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today delivered the commencement address to the graduating class of 230 students at the local F. J. Montgomery Senior High School. Entitled Never Stop Dreaming, his speech was intended to be both inspiring and instructional. “For one to truly ‘never stop dreaming’,” explained Smith to the rapt audience, “one must be asleep at all times.” He went on to advise the graduating seniors to “avoid at all costs” coffee, cola and other major sources of caffeine, and to invest in a very comfortable mattress and pillow.

Study finds most people are dead

Saturday, June 7th, 2003 - 1:50 pm PDT

A surprising new study in the New England Journal of Medicine reveals that, despite what common sense tells us, most people are actually dead. “We can’t be 100% sure of the numbers,” remarked Dr. Susan Engleton, a specialist in population studies, “but according to our best estimates, we believe that about 94.3% of all people who have ever lived are now dead.” Given these staggering numbers, she says, “it appears that the small percentage of the human race that is still alive is something of an anomaly.” Engleton says that with further research, science hopes to explain why this certain small percentage of people manages to live while by far the vast majority of others do not.

Smith rides bus

Monday, June 2nd, 2003 - 9:09 pm PDT

Like he was just some ordinary average guy, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith used public transportation yesterday in the form of a bus, to get from point a to point b. “A lot of people might see it as weird for someone like me to just hop on the bus like I’m just some normal person, but the truth is, it doesn’t bother me at all,” remarked Smith. The bus-riding excursion came after a seven minute walk to the bus stop and a twelve minute wait for the bus to arrive. “When the bus arrived, I climbed on board, put my change in the meter, and found myself a seat,” said Smith, “just like everybody else.”

Alien race mulls over US invasion

Wednesday, May 28th, 2003 - 9:28 pm PDT

The leaders of Kardaki 7 continue to mull over a possible invasion of the United States. Several reasons for such an invasion have been put forth: the US is seen as a threat to the security of others; the US’s recent unlawful invasion and occupation of Iraq; the US’s massive stockpile of weapons of mass destruction; and the Bush regime, which came into power through non-democratic means and waged a war not supported by its citizens. A US invasion would pose little risk to the armies of Kardaki 7 whose military might dwarfs that of the US. It is believed that such an invasion and occupation, though mainly targeting military structures, would result in the loss of life of thousands if not millions of US citizens.

Moses is dead

Sunday, May 25th, 2003 - 11:50 am PDT

The illustrated saga of the Israelites’ epic journey through the Wilderness comes to a close today with four new stories now online at The Brick Testament. See as Moses, God’s ever-faithful servant, delivers some tender final instructions to his people before God makes the 120-year old man climb a tall mountain and view the bountiful promised land that he will never ever be allowed to enter. Then he dies.

Kids say some fucked-up shit

Sunday, May 18th, 2003 - 5:20 pm PDT

“The Passover Easter Bunny’s a, um, chicken,” says Maya, age three and a half, “and he lays hot dogs.” This is but one example of the crazy fucked-up shit you’ll get to hear kids say on the new Fox Family TV show Rev. Smith will be hosting next fall called Kids Say Some Fucked-Up Shit. “I don’t really like kids much,” says Smith. “They’re whiny, annoying, selfish, and manipulative little brats. But once in a while they just blurt out some crazy fucked-up shit that catches you off-guard and cracks you up.” The half-hour show promises to be chock full of several such moments caught on film.

Party time

Monday, May 12th, 2003 - 8:28 am PDT

“The time to party has come,” announced a Rev. Smith today through a megaphone, from atop a makeshift platform, to a crowded gathering of college-age students at a local beach, many of whom were decked out in little more than bikinis and swim trunks, and several of whom had brought surf boards, coolers full of alcoholic beverages, beach vollyball kits, boomboxes, and plently of sun tan oil, intending to enjoy another beautiful day under the California sun. “And gone,” added Smith dolefully. “Please collect your belongings and remove yourselves from the beach immediatley.”