J. Lo and Rev. Smith engaged to be married

Monday, September 1st, 2003 - 6:20 pm PDT

E! Online today announced that singer/actress Jennifer Lopez and minor internet celebrity Brendan Powell Smith are engaged to be married. While no date has yet been set for The Reverend to wed his longtime fiancée, it is believed that J. Lo will be marrying boyfriend Ben Affleck sometime in September. Also soon to be married, according to the same article, are Kid Rock and A. J. from The Backstreet Boyz.

Laughter not the best medicine

Friday, August 29th, 2003 - 8:38 pm PDT

Contrary to the age-old bit of folk wisdom, an extensive new scientific study by the Merck corporation strongly suggests that laughter is not the best medicine. In thousands upon thousands of test cases, laughter was shown to have a 100% failure rate in curing viral and bacterial-based infections and disease. Among those in very fragile condition, laughter actually had notably negative consequences, in some cases causing patients to spit up blood or lose consciousness. With the success of this new study, Merck is currently looking for volunteer patients to help test the theory that “time heals all wounds”.

Smith mentally challenged

Monday, August 25th, 2003 - 9:06 pm PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was in poor spirits today after a series of mental challenges left him mentally challenged. It all started when longtime friend and associate Mark Pilloff walked in the room and began rattling off a series of riddles, logic puzzles, and brain teasers. Smith struggled to come up with the correct answer to several of them before finally giving up in exasperation. “Fourteen?” laughed Pilloff derisively at one point. “Try a hundred and forty-two!” Smith sighed, slumped in his chair, and massaged his aching temples.

Rape, infidelity, and defecation

Thursday, August 21st, 2003 - 1:55 am PDT

The Brick Testament updates today with seven new illustrated stories from The Law section of the Old Testament. Learn what God almighty has to say on the subject of rape, the proper treatment of prisoners of war, how to handle jealousy in marriage, how to differentiate baldness from scalp disease, and where to take a shit while at war. The latest stories are here.

Frolic injury

Sunday, August 17th, 2003 - 9:20 pm PDT

Rev. Smith suffered a sprained ankle and bruised forehead this morning after frolicking with friends in a dewy meadow. Smiles turned to frowns as Smith accidentally collided with a fellow merry-maker and then stumbled to the ground. The National Safety Council recommends that frolickers wear safety helmets, goggles, and paded clothing. It is not believed that Smith was wearing any protective gear at the time of his injury. Doctors had previously recommended frolicking to Rev. Smith as a way to calm down after an incident last month when Smith pulled a muscle in his arm while angrily shaking it at passers-by.

National deli sandwich month

Tuesday, August 12th, 2003 - 11:14 pm PDT

Everyone knows that February is Black History month, but did you know that the entire month of August has also been set aside as a time of reflection and celebration? Whether you’re black, white, Latino, or Asian / Pacific-Islander, it’s time to break out the corned beef, pastrami, olive loaf, bacon, salami, turkey, honey ham, roast beef, prosciutto, mortadella, lettuce, tomatoes, swiss cheese, mayonnaise, and pickles, because the people of the Sara Lee corporation have brought to our attention that this is National Deli Sandwich month. Show your support!

Smith makes himself scarce

Monday, August 4th, 2003 - 5:09 pm PDT

In a desperate attempt to increase his personal net worth, Rev. Smith is applying the law of supply-and-demand to his own benefit by cutting short the supply of himself to the world. “The latest reports indicate that demand for The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith is at an all-time low,” said Smith’s financial advisor H. Larry Whittaker, “but by making the supply of himself dwindle in proportion to that demand, Smith’s value can be maintained and could actually increase.” Financial experts have expressed their doubts that Smith’s desperate ploy will succeed. “Tony Danza attempted this same move in the wake of The Tony Danza show,” noted analyst Martin Vaughn. “and now America has forever lost one of its great comic voices.”

Abort, retry, fail

Wednesday, July 30th, 2003 - 12:19 pm PDT

Over the course of a single evening, Rev. Smith faced frustration when his efforts were aborted, retried, and ultimately failed. “I booted up to go run at about 7:30pm,” reported Smith. “But I quickly found that there were too many bugs, so I had no choice but to abort.” Then after a quick application of Bug-Fix®, Smith retried. But twenty minutes later, he failed when his whole system crashed. “I didn’t see that wall,” said Smith, “but there it was.” The crash was severe enough that Smith would have had to boot-up all over again, but instead he decided to just shut down for the night and restart tomorrow.

Smith goes to the bathroom

Saturday, July 26th, 2003 - 5:18 am PDT

Reports indicate that Rev. Smith went to the bathroom of his suburban home at approximately 10pm last night. Smith later denied those reports. “Yes, I went to the bathroom last night, but I didn’t go to the bathroom,” said Smith. Asked why and how it is even possible that he could go to the bathroom without going to the bathroom, a frustrated and slightly flustered Smith replied that he went to the bathroom last night to brush his teeth, and that he didn’t really need to go to the bathroom, because he had already gone to the bathroom out in the woods on the way home. Experts view Smith’s story as skeptical at best now that an extensive search has turned up no evidence of a supposed bathroom located “in the woods”.

Sexual discharges and more

Thursday, July 17th, 2003 - 5:12 pm PDT

The Brick Testament updates today with more illustrated stories from The Law section of the Bible. Come and learn what God almighty has to say about such controversial topics as menstruation, homosexuality, cross-dressing, bestiality, and getting ejaculate on your clothes. For only by knowing God’s laws can we hope to put them into practice in our own lives. Amen.

Smith nearly comatose for 8 hours

Sunday, July 13th, 2003 - 12:16 pm PDT

Friends and relatives were alarmed last night when Rev. Smith slipped into what they described as an “almost comatose” state for just under 8 hours, from midnight to 8am. “He was just lying there,” said his concerned mother, “his eyes were shut, his breathing slow, and he had a little stream of drool at the corner of his mouth.” Doctors believe Smith will likely suffer no permanent brain damage, but are at a loss as to explain the cause. Before the event, Smith reported feeling “sleepy”, but otherwise appeared to be in perfect health.

All bets are off

Wednesday, July 9th, 2003 - 8:51 pm PDT

In light of the unexpected late-breaking news, officials declared today that “all bets are off.” According to the statement, all bets placed on or before July 9, 2003, are henceforth to be considered null and void. New bets, those placed starting on or after July 10, 2003, will be honored in full. This ruling covers all bets and wagers of any sort, both so-called “gentlemen’s bets”, and those in which money or other things of value are at stake.