President Bush shot 327 times

Saturday, February 14th, 2004 - 2:13 pm PST

A happy, smiling George W. Bush waved to a crowd of media photographers and onlookers as he stepped off of Air Force One today in Washington. He was then shot 327 times. No secret service men dove in front of Bush to protect him, nor did they make any moves to apprehend anyone. “I took about 30 shots in ten seconds,” said Terry McDuleph, one of at least seventeen people believed to have shot the president. “I got in a really nice shot just as he was leaning over to kiss his wife,” said McDuleph, “My editor will be pleased.”

Guide to going wireless

Monday, February 9th, 2004 - 7:28 am PST

In just a few more years, your friends might consider you hopelessly behind the times if your home is still cluttered up with all those wires. And these days “going wireless” has become easier than ever. According to author The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith, the fastest and easiest way to get rid of all those unsightly relics from the 20th century requires little more than a large trash bag and free afternoon. Simply walk through your house and throw any appliances or gadgets into the trash. In no time, your clean and modern home will be the envy of all your houseguests.

The Brick Testament: reinforcements on the way

Saturday, January 31st, 2004 - 7:19 pm PST

More copies of Rev. Smith’s hit book The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis arrived in the US today from an overseas printer, and should be replenishing retail stores soon. This second printing brings the total number of copies of Smith’s book in print to 22,500. News of the new batch came as a relief to many frantic booksellers who have been sold out of the book for weeks. “For Christ’s sake, we’re dying over here!” exclaimed one unnamed book store owner via phone from Portland, OR, “Get those books over here before the whole place is overrun!” He later called back to add, “too late!!!”

Gillette unveils 32-blade razor

Monday, January 26th, 2004 - 11:40 am PST

Upping the ante in the ongoing “razor war” between industry giants Gillette and Schick, the Gillette Shaving Co. today unveiled their latest product, a 32-blade disposable shaver. The new Gillette Shavinator™ provides “a maximum shave” says the company’s press release, and arrives in stores this week, a mere two months after the introduction of Schick’s 16-razor UltraBlade™. Already under development by Schick is a highly experimental 64-blade disposal razor currently code named “commodore”. Many experts believe that shaving technology will continue to double the amount of blades per shaving device every four months until at least 2011.

American politics explained

Sunday, January 18th, 2004 - 7:46 am PST

At the start of another presidential election year here in the US, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith once again offers his brief guide to America’s major political parties. Feel free to print this guide and take it with you to the voting booth:

  • The Democratic Party is in favor of democracy.
  • The Republican Party is in favor of republics.
  • The Independent Party is in favor of independence from Great Britain.
  • The Green Party is in favor of the color green.

Hooked on trimethylxanthine

Wednesday, January 14th, 2004 - 6:55 pm PST

Rev. Smith today confirmed rumors that he is hooked on a drug called trimethylxanthine (or “tri” as it is known on the street). An addictive stimulant, trimethylxanthine affects the brain using the same mechanisms as cocaine and heroin. In its pure form, trimethylxanthine is a white crystalline powder, but is usually ingested into the body in the form of a heated black liquid or a syrupy confectionary beverage. It is believed that as much as 90% of Americans use “tri” on a daily basis, and 50% ingest at least 300mg per day. Like many, Smith says he is at a point where he can “barely function without it”. Smith currently has no plans to seek help concerning his addiction. More information on trimethylxanthine can be found here.

The Brick Testament sells out

Friday, January 9th, 2004 - 1:32 am PST

Whoever accused The Brick Testament of selling out was totally right. Rev. Smith’s book, which received a flood of press coverage just before the winter holidays, has become exceedingly hard to find. While sites like Amazon and await the arrival of a second printing due sometime this month, impatient consumers have scoured brick and mortar stores, searching for the last few copies left on shelves. The scarcity has driven up prices on the second hand market, with the book now going for as much as $24.56 on and $43.96 on Amazon.

Terrorists win

Monday, January 5th, 2004 - 12:20 pm PST

George Bush today officially ceded victory to the terrorists. “Look at us,” said Bush, “paranoid, hassling grandmothers at airports, randomly checking for dirty bombs in major cities. Clearly, life has never gone ‘back to normal’ since 9/11, and so I hereby announce a unilateral surrender. The terrorists have truly already won.” Transfer of power will take place over the coming weeks, with Osama Bin Laden ready to take control of the new regime. A newly freed Saddam Hussein is expected to be tapped as his second-in-command, and the nation to be redubbed the United States of Al Qaeda.

Brick Testament December press round-up

Wednesday, December 31st, 2003 - 7:46 am PST

In the closing moments of the year, the Press page over at The Brick Testament website has finally been updated with many of the recent articles, items, and interviews from various newspaper and magazines including The Chicago Tribune, The Philadelphia Inquirer, The Catholic Telegraph, New Music Monthly, The Baltimore Sun, Albany Times Union, Philadelphia Weekly, The Fayette Observer, The Orlando Sentinel, The Canton Repository, The Daily Herald, The Sun, Skagit Valley Herald, The Virginian-Pilot, Monterey County Herald, The Sun News, The Irish Examiner, and Italy’s Abastor Oddzine.

It’s Jewriffic!

Saturday, December 27th, 2003 - 8:01 pm PST

What is the best Jewish book you’re not reading? Go on, guess! According to the editorial staff over at Jewsweek, the answer to that question is none other than Rev. Smith’s own The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis. What, did you think LEGO-illustrated stories from the Old Testament would only appeal to Christians and atheists? Oy vey, who do you think first wrote these stories? I’ll give you a hint: it wasn’t the Christians. Also, it was not the atheists. Did you know that 2004 is the Year of the Jew? OK, I just made that up, but it sounds pretty cool.

NPR piece on The Brick Testament reruns

Monday, December 22nd, 2003 - 11:55 pm PST

The popular radio program Studio 360 will be rerunning their interview with The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith which originally aired on the show last June. Check these listings to see when the program will be broadcast in your area, or listen to this segment of the show over the web by clicking here. RealAudio is required to listen over the web. You can find instructions for downloading this application here. This interview is conducted in Smith’s native language, English.

The Brick Testament in The Philadelphia Inquirer

Wednesday, December 10th, 2003 - 6:19 am PST

Not to be outdone by crosstown rivals at the Philadelphia Weekly, the city’s largest daily paper The Philadelphia Inquirer today released a full-length feature article on Rev. Smith’s new book The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis, whose LEGO versions of Bible tableaus it deems “devilishly ingenious”. The article attempts to glean some insight on Smith’s motivations, and looks at reactions the book is getting from the public and from the LEGO company itself.