Texas to reinstate crucifixions

Wednesday, August 11th, 2004 - 2:12 pm PDT

A longtime pioneer in the use of the death penalty, the state of Texas will soon be taking the further step of using public crucifixions as a means of capitol punishment. In a landslide 168-to-1 vote, the Texas state legislature approved the bill which was signed into law by Gov. Rick Perry. In a quick follow-up 168-to-1 vote it was further decided that the first person to suffer death on the cross would be Sen. Gonzalo Barrientos, who had cast the single vote against the use of crucifixion and also against his own crucifixion. “Though it will be sad to see him go,” said Gov. Perry in a prepared statement, “Sen. Barrientos should feel much honor in returning to his Maker in the same manner as our Lord Jesus Christ, some 2,000 year ago.”

Bush: Al Qaeda to blow up US if Kerry elected

Thursday, August 5th, 2004 - 4:46 am PDT

President Bush tonight informed the American people of newly gathered intelligence reports that indicate Al Qaeda terrorists will “blow up the United States” if John Kerry is elected president this November. “We don’t know how they will do it,” said the president, “It could be a series of car bombs, truck bombs, dirty bombs, or even hijacked nuclear missiles, but let me be clear on this: this threat is real and immediate.” The president went on to say that Americans have a clear choice this Fall, between an America that is safe and strong or one that is “blown up by terrorists”. The national terror alert code has not been raised following Bush’s announcement, and Bush urged America to “go about your daily lives as normal.”

Summer blockbusters fail to bust blocks

Tuesday, July 27th, 2004 - 7:58 pm PDT

There is much concern in the entertainment industry now that this year’s crop of summer blockbusters have failed to bust even a single block. “Major studios are pouring hundreds of millions of dollars into these movies,” noted film industry analyst Mort Flogg, “and for that kind of money, they expect a lot of busted blocks in return. This year, that simply hasn’t been happening.” A string of eminently forgettable movies such as Van Helsing, Troy, King Arthur, I Robot, and The Day After Tomorrow, have been leaving blocks intact all across America. A down-trodden Hollywood is pinning all its hope on the late summer release of Aliens vs. Predator.

Bakula urged to take one final leap

Wednesday, July 14th, 2004 - 8:11 am PDT

With Ralph Nader still working determinedly to get himself on the ballot in all fifty states, the Democratic National Committee today issued a desperate plea asking actor Scott Bakula to revive his role as Sam Beckett of TV’s Quantum Leap, so that he might “temporarily leap into the body of Ralph Nader and drop out of the race”. Bakula was last employed by the democrats in 1998 to keep Hillary Clinton from divorcing her husband, and says that although he would like to do his part to prevent a Bush win in ‘04, “just taking a single, last jump” is never possible, and that he “would not look forward to another stretch of months, possibly even years spent leaping from life to life, striving to put right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that his next leap will be the leap home”.

Dick and Bush to stay united

Friday, July 9th, 2004 - 3:05 pm PDT

Combating rumors that President Bush may be looking to drop Vice-President Cheney for a new running mate in this year’s election, White House spokesman Scott McClellan made clear today that “Bush needs Dick”, and that any other pairing would be “wrong and unnatural”. “Some people have suggested that George’s own brother Jeb would make for a better Vice-Presidential choice,” noted McClellan, “and while there is something exciting about the idea of two Bushes together, most people would rather not see two siblings like that. Others argue that what Bush really needs is a Dick Armey [R, Texas]. But at the end of the day, people have to recognize that the time-honored combination of Bush and Dick is the only one that can truly be productive.”

New Brick Testament book coming this Fall

Wednesday, July 7th, 2004 - 12:25 pm PDT

Rejoice! A new Brick Testament book will be arriving in stores this Fall. The Brick Testament: The Story of Christmas will retell the classic biblical story of the birth of Jesus of Nazareth as never seen before. With more than forty-five full-page color illustrations, The Story of Christmas follows the success of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s first book The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis. Destined to become a holiday favorite, The Story of Christmas will hit stores starting in September and October, and is already available for pre-order with online retailers such as Amazon.com.

The Daily Show features Brick Testament image

Wednesday, June 30th, 2004 - 11:43 am PDT

The Daily Show features Brick Testament image
The Last Supper scene from Rev. Smith’s The Brick Testament website was very briefly featured on last night’s edition of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. As part of a recurring segment entitled This Week in God, correspondent Rob Corddry utilizes the “God machine” to very quickly cycle through a host of random religious images before slowing down to stop on an image related to the topic to be discussed. Smith’s LEGO rendition of The Last Supper appeared during the slowing-down part, which means that the Brick Testament image was on screen for approximately one and a half seconds.

Bill Pullman returns to films

Saturday, June 26th, 2004 - 10:44 am PDT

Actor Bill Pullman has been allowed to return to the film world this week, after serving eight years of a 10-year ban-from-all-movies following his appearance in the summer blockbuster Independence Day. The Movie Board of America agreed to release Pullman early based on the fact that the actor shown “deep regret” for appearing in the 1996 film. Pullman was not the only actor to face disciplinary action for their roles in that film. Actors Jeff Goldblum and Judd Hirsch each received a five-year ban on movies with budgets over $100 million, and Randy Quaid was barred from ever acting again in any capacity.

Beheadings this year’s school shootings

Tuesday, June 15th, 2004 - 9:19 pm PDT

The latest issue of Time magazine features an exclusive report on what’s hot and what’s not for Summer ‘04, and it’s no surprise that Middle East Decapitations have everyone talking. They’re all the rage as we head into the hot summer months, and their popularity has prompted more than one reporter to dub them “this year’s school shootings”. Said one middle school social outcast in the article , “If I were going to shoot people at school, I wouldn’t just shoot them, I’d behead some of them, and videotape it, and put it on the internet.” Look for celebrity decapitations to heat up the news in July and August, and new beheading-based reality-TV programs to be ready for network prime-time this Fall.

Brick Testament book in German this August

Monday, May 31st, 2004 - 7:52 am PDT

The German translation of Rev. Smith’s hit book The Brick Testament: Stories from the Book of Genesis will be released in Europe this August under the title Das 1. Buch L.. German publisher Sanssouci is excited about the release, and is featuring Brick Testament-themed artwork on both the front and back cover of their latest book catalog where Smith’s book gets a two-page write-up. The book is already available for pre-order on Amazon.de, the German version of Amazon.com.

Smith snoozes, loses

Saturday, May 22nd, 2004 - 6:35 pm PDT

For the 432nd time, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith has lost in a sleeping contest with his cat. “I really thought I had him this time,” said a disappointed Smith, yawning and rubbing his eyes. “I’d been up for more than twenty-four hours yesterday,” said Smith, “so I figured I’d have the edge on ol’ Ringo who had already spent most of the day napping.” Despite Smith’s impressive performance of fifteen and half hours of marathon sleeping, Ringo easily managed to match Smith and then continued sleeping an extra two and a half hours. Smith was quick to vow for a rematch. “I can do this,” said Smith, determinedly. “I just need to train harder.”

Smith makes chicken soup from chicken shit

Sunday, May 9th, 2004 - 8:42 pm PDT

Defying an age-old adage, Rev. Smith today made a bowl of chicken soup entirely out of chicken shit. “I’m not recommending you try it,” explained Smith, whose success comes after countless failed attempt over the past several years, “hell, it’s probably the worst tasting chicken soup ever made. But the fact is I have once again accomplished what they said could not be done.” Smith celebrated his victory by having some cake and eating it too.