Slightly less apathetic voter turnout expected

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2004 - 5:12 am PST

Polling stations across the US are gearing-up today for the slight reduction in massive American voter apathy that is expected to occur in today’s election. “The percentage of eligible voters who don’t vote might be close to 40% this year,” said election analyst Jane Delorme, “usually it’s about 50%.” Precincts are preparing themselves with a slight increase in the number of poll workers to be on hand today, as well as the occasional use of an extra voting booth. Although shaping up to a another presidential race so close it could be decided by mere thousands of votes, more than 80 million Americans of voting age are expected not to vote.

The Brick Testament: massacres galore!

Tuesday, October 26th, 2004 - 11:53 am PDT

What better way to get yourself into the Halloween spirit than to check out the five latest illustrated Bible stories on The Brick Testament, depicting Joshua and the Israelites’ spoooooky ethnic cleansing of the holy land? Included are “Gibeonites Enslaved”, “Amorite Coalition Massacred”, “Executed Kings Hung on Display”, “Seven Kingdoms Massacred”, and of course, “Twenty-Two Kingdoms Massacred”. Happy Halloween from all of us at The Brick Testament!

Campaign rhetoric heats up

Wednesday, October 20th, 2004 - 8:14 pm PDT

With just thirteen days to go before the election, rivals George W. Bush and John Kerry are ratcheting up their campaign rhetoric. “My opponent,” said Bush at rally in New Mexico on Sunday, “is a weak-willed coward. What we in Texas would call a ‘pansy’,” while Kerry told voters in Ohio, “The president has completely fucked-over the middle class. He knows it, and he’s laughing about it.” Bush, in Pennsylvania announced this morning, “Look, you are either against the terrorists or you’re with them. Do you really want to put a terrorist in the White House?” Kerry responded at a rally in Florida, “George W. Bush is an asshole, and everyone knows it. And he’s smug about it, too. He’s a smug asshole.”

Gibeonites Enslaved, Amorites Massacred

Thursday, October 14th, 2004 - 3:16 am PDT

It sounds like a headline right off today’s front pages, but it’s not. It’s actually the title of the latest update to Rev. Smith’s Brick Testament website where three new illustrated stories have been put online today, further documenting the ancient Israelites’ God-mandated ruthless slaughter of their neighboring peoples as recorded in the Bible’s book of Joshua. It’s heartwarming stuff, so grab a blanket, make yourself some hot chocolate, and then curl up next to the computer screen for some quality spiritual edutainment. Or just go watch some TV. Your call.

Smith undergoes elective surgery

Wednesday, October 13th, 2004 - 9:02 pm PDT

Though not suffering from any life-threatening condition, nor looking to alter his cosmetic appearance, Rev. Smith spent the day in the hospital undergoing elective surgery. “I don’t know, just open me up, shift some stuff around, sew me back up,” said Smith to team of doctors, “I’m really just looking to get my money’s worth here.” Smith made his unusual request after discovering that his health care plan covers up to $16,000 of medical surgery per year. “I’d feel sort of ripped off if I didn’t use that money,” said Smith, shortly before going under general anesthesia. Following his two-day recovery from the surgery, Smith also plans to review his dental and life insurance policies.

Electronic voting machines to work “as planned”

Monday, October 4th, 2004 - 3:48 pm PDT

In an attempt to assuage the growing fears of wide-scale election fraud from the use of electronic voting machines that provide no paper trail, staunch Bush supporter and CEO of Diebold Inc, Walden O’Dell, whose comapny’s paperless voting machines will be used by more than 8 million voters, made a statement today, assuring Americans that his company’s machines will function “exactly as planned”. “Any hackers hoping to tamper with these machines will be frustrated,” announced O’Dell. “On Novermber 2nd, each machine will count every single vote exactly as it has been prgrammed to.” O’Dell went on to say that his voting machines will function so flawlessly that he believes Bush will mandate their use at all polling stations by the end of his second term as president.

Europe reacts to Brick Testament book

Thursday, September 30th, 2004 - 7:17 pm PDT

Several new articles and reviews have been added to The Brick Testament’s press page, accompanying the release of Das 1. Buch L., the German language translation of Rev. Smith’s hit book Stories from the Book of Genesis. Magazines and newspapers such as Süddeutsche Zeitung, Abendzeitung, Katholische Nachrichten-Agentur GmbH, Annabelle, and Focus witness a wide range of reactions, from a call to burn Rev. Smith at the stake for his blasphemy in the Stuttgarter Zeitung to the highest of praise from the Katholische Nachrichten-Agentur (Catholic News Agency). The UK’s .net magazine also recently featured a short interview with “The Brains Behind” The Brick Testament.

McDonalds introduces the HamBurger™

Tuesday, September 21st, 2004 - 10:20 am PDT

Looking for a way to distinguish itself from competitors and stay ahead of the game in the fast-food industry, McDonalds yesterday announced the introduction of a new menu item: a sandwich product it has dubbed the HamBurger™. “No national quick-service restaurant has ever served up something quite like this,” said McDonalds spokesperson Arthur Shapp. A $20 million ad campaign will be rolling out in coming weeks to promote the exotic new sandwich which contains no beef or chicken products, but instead uses ham, a pork product. “It’s a pretty wild concept, we admit,” said Shapp, “but to get your mind around it, try this thought experiment: imagine a regular hamburger, but with ham. That’s a HamBurger™.” Stock in the McDonalds corporation has plummeted since yesterday’s announcement.

“Landing strip” dubbed Pubic Fashion of the Year

Sunday, September 5th, 2004 - 4:19 pm PDT

Carpet & Curtains magazine has named the “landing strip” the 2004 Pubic Fashion of the Year for women and girls. “It was a very tight race again this year between the strip and the full shave,” said C&C magazine editor-in-chief Maxine Nevins. “Although you might see the full shave celebrated more in the media these days, we believe that regular working-class women of this country are sticking with the refined elegance of neatly trimmed one to one-and-a-half inch vertical line of hair covering their pubis.” Pubic hairstyling, like most fashion trends, notes Nevins, are pendulous in nature. She predicts that the “full bush” look, popular in the 60s and 70s will be back in style by 2012.

Walls of Jericho come tumbling down

Monday, August 30th, 2004 - 1:52 am PDT

The Brick Testament website has been updated this week with four new illustrated stories from the Book of Joshua, including the famous story of how God helped the Israelites topple the city walls of Jericho and then slaughter every last man, woman, and child inside (save for one prostitute), steal all their silver, gold, and other precious items, and then burn the city to the ground and put a curse on anyone who might consider rebuilding it. This powerful and inspiring story has been thoughtfully rendered in LEGO bricks by The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith.

Christians boycott Olympic games

Thursday, August 19th, 2004 - 5:33 pm PDT

Christians of the world are once again boycotting the Olympic games, as they have done since 393 AD when the Christian leader of the Roman Empire, Theodosius I, forever banned the games as a “pagan festival”. His actions put an official end to the Greek sports competition which had been held nearly every four years for 1,200 years. The games continued unofficially until Theodosius’s successor, Theodosius II sent an army to destroy the temples of Olympia. The modern Olympics, begun in 1896 by godless Frenchman Baron Pierre de Coubertin, have continued for 108 years, despite Christian protest. Security at the 2004 Athens game is high, for fear that a Christian army might attempt to disrupt the games, and destroy the playing fields.

Kerry, Bush court swinger states

Monday, August 16th, 2004 - 9:40 am PDT

In an exceedingly tight race for the presidency, it is likely that the ultimate outcome will be decided by a handful of the so-called “swinger states”, such as Colorado, Louisiana, and Oregon, where the social mores held by the rest of the country do not apply. In a speech in Minnesota this week, Kerry voiced his support for “the lifestyle” as an “exciting new alternative for many Americans” that can “revitalize traditional marriage”. Bush, for his part, attended a Republican fundraiser in Missouri this week with Lynne Cheney, wife of running mate Dick Cheney, while the Vice-President campaigned in West Virginia with first lady Laura Bush.