With the latest Pew poll showing that 18% of Americans believe that President Obama is a Muslim, researchers say they now have enough data to firmly conclude that one out of every five Americans is a fucking retard. ”Although we’ve suspected as much for years,” said poll analyst Sanford Dwight, “having the numbers to back it up is both illuminating and frankly depressing.” Offering a different take on this finding, researcher Jane McMinnitz writes, “It’s actually pretty amazing how much we’re able to accomplish as a nation when you consider just how awash we are in fucking idiots who will believe pretty much anything and need help tying their own shoes every morning.”
“Noah’s Ark” is often presented as a children’s story, and it’s easy to see why. It’s got animals, and children love animals. There’s a big boat. Some kids like boats. And it ends with a happy rainbow. Sure, somewhere in the middle there’s the gruesome drowning death of all the mothers, fathers, children, babies and animals of the world at the hand of their own loving Creator, but such unlikely children’s story material is more than justified by the profoundly important moral of the story, which every child needs to learn from an early age: Sometimes the best way to make a vast population of people less violent is to just kill everybody. The Flood and Noah’s Curse have been re-illustrated and unveiled on The Brick Testament website today.
At a press conference this evening, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith acknowledged the striking down of California’s Proposition 8 as an important milestone in extending marriage rights, but took the opportunity to remind fellow Americans there remains a large segment of the population whose members are routinely denied the right to be married in all fifty states. ”I speak, of course,” said Smith, “of the partnerless—those who, by their own choice or by the choices of others, are not part of a committed couple.” Smith went on to argue against the “myth” that allowing single people to marry without a partner would somehow weaken the institution of marriage, and further stated that he “wondered how anyone could deny a young child the opportunity to grow up in a married household simply because his parent is, for whatever reasons, raising that child alone.”
Google announced in a blog post today that it is planning to shut down the Internet by year’s end. Despite the massive buzz surrounding its launch, and its seemingly limitless possibilities to offer people new world of ways to communicate, collaborate, and share experiences, Google stated that over the past five months that it has been out of private beta and open to anyone, the Internet “has not seen the user adoption we would have liked.”
It’s one of those famous Bible stories people think they already know, but head over to The Brick Testament and soak in the details of the newly re-illustrated story of Cain and Abel, the first of the Bible’s many, many, many, many, many, many, many tales of violent death. Can’t get enough? Then stick around for the story of humanity’s corruption at the hands of the Sons of God. ”The Sons of God?” you ask. ”Who’s that?” You know, the Sons of God who come down from heaven and have sex with whatever beautiful human women they choose and impregnate them to start a race of warrior giants. Those Sons of God.
Rev. Smith is slated to appear in a series of upcoming public service announcements designed to combat the growing popularity among teenagers of “hoffing” or holding your breath for as long as possible, often in competition with peers. Hoffing is believed to have been responsible for 2 deaths in the first six months of 2010, up from 1 death the previous six months. The 30-second spots are set to run during Saturday morning cartoons, and will feature Smith delivering the ad campaign’s signature line: “Think hoffing will make you cool? Don’t hold your breath.”
What does a Bible illustrator do when he finishes the last book of the Bible? Goes back to the start, of course! The Brick Testament is “born again” today with the first new additions to the Genesis section of the website in eight years. Turns out ol’ Rev. Smith missed a story the first time around. ”Which one?” you ask. Oh, I don’t know, only the very first story in the Bible! So here it is in all its glory: God’s creation of the world in seven days. And since the authors of the Bible were not content to include just one creation story, here’s a newly re-illustrated version of the second one as well, also known as The Garden of Eden.
Renowned British astrophysicist Stephen Hawking says he has new concerns over mankind’s attempts to contact alien life forms. “Such ‘visitors’ from other worlds may posses dazzling technologies and medical science far beyond our own. They may act friendly and offer to share their wondrous advances, and even claim to be of peace, always,” said Hawking, “but they may also have a mysterious and sinister hidden agenda, and their virtuous natures may only run skin deep.” Hawking’s position on contacting aliens has changed drastically over the years, from his 1982 push for a billion dollar satellite system so that aliens accidentally stranded on earth could “phone home”, to his suggestion last year that we prepare for alien contact by building thousands of units of affordable housing in and around Johannesburg, South Africa.
And it came to pass that the children of men said to one another, “Let us build ourselves aeroplanes to reach the heavens and cross the great waters of the deep.” And the gods came down to see what the children of men builded. And Odin said, “Behold! Let us go down and thwart their efforts, lest the people reach Valhalla in their mechanical valkyries, and nothing they attempt will be impossible to them.” And Thor mounteth his goat-drawn chariot and rideth to the Mountain Eyjafjallajökull. And he did there unleasheth his berserker rage, spewing forth a thick black smoke across the face of the earth, confounding the ambitions of man.
At a Good Friday service attended by the Pope yesterday, Rev. Tamaraos Encarnalise quoted from the letter of a young boy friend of his, saying the recent “disgusting attacks and allegations against the Catholic Church and the Pope” reminded him of “the more shameful aspects of pedophilia.” Encarnalise went on to point out that the close proximity of Easter and Children’s Day this year prompted him to reflect on the similarities between the plight of the Church hierarchy as it reels from continued press scrutiny into its long history of covering up and enabling the rape of young boys, and the plight of young boys who are repeatedly raped by their priests and then told to keep silent about it.
After a routine trip to the doctor this week, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was diagnosed with Stockholm syndrome. Having never been held captive in a hostage situation, it is unclear how Smith developed the syndrome, but doctors stressed that the lab results were conclusive. The condition is not believed to be life-threatening. Although there is no known cure for Stockholm syndrome, Rev. Smith is being advised to take a few days off from work, get plenty of bed rest, and avoid any potential hostage situations or trips to Scandinavia over the next six months.
Just when you thought it was safe to go back in the New Testament! Yes, folks, The Epistles section of The Brick Testament is undergoing a complete overhaul from its original version illustrated way back in 2001. As the preview image indicates, you will see that George W. Bush is no longer the only US president to find himself illustrated within the pages of The Brick Testament. And brace yourselves, because a mystery third president is on the way!