Smith invents the automatic taco

Thursday, August 4th, 2005 - 4:17 pm PDT

In news that will come as a delight to busy housewives and Mexican food enthusiasts alike, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith today unveiled his latest invention: the automatic taco. His brief demonstration of the product at the 39th annual Food and Technology Convention in Dayton, OH, met with gasps of astonishment followed by thunderous applause. After five years of laborious research and development, Smith finally had a scientific breakthrough that allowed him to accomplish what was long thought impossible. But Smith believes all his time and effort will be worth the added ease and convenience his new invention will bring to the lives of millions.

The Brick Testament presents: Jephthah!

Saturday, July 23rd, 2005 - 2:38 am PDT

The Brick Testament website continues its illustration of the biblical Book of Judges this week with the tale of Israel’s eighth judge, Jephthah. It’s the moving story of a societal outcast called upon to lead a violent massacre of a foreign nation whom God had sent to oppress his chosen people after turning His back on them. But bloody victory turns to bloody tragedy when after a foolishly worded vow, Jephthah finds himself murdering and immolating his only daughter as a sacrifice to the very God that had brought about Israel’s oppression. Amen.

Bush vows to fire whoever authorized Iraq war

Wednesday, July 20th, 2005 - 5:44 pm PDT

Now that it has become known that the US launched a war against Iraq under false pretenses, President Bush today vowed that he will fire whoever was responsible for authorizing that war. When asked by reporters if he was aware that he himself, as president and commander-in-chief of the United States military had authorized the war, Bush responded that there was, “a serious investigation into the matter under way,” and that he wants to know “all the facts before jumping to any conclusions”. After talking with his advisors, Bush later modified his statement to say that “if anyone has committed a crime by authorizing the war in Iraq, that person will no longer work for my administration.”

Fauxhawk declared “Mullet of the 00s”

Saturday, July 16th, 2005 - 1:40 pm PDT

The combed mohawk or “fauxhawk” hairstyle, has officially been recognized as “The Mullet of the 00s”. Much like the “business in the front, party in the back” mullet before it, the fauxhawk represents a partial submission to and partial flouting of societal norms, most commonly worn as a sort of half-assed symbolic rebellion against the powers that be. With ever-changing hipster culture currently retro-focused on the fashions of 1978-1983, it is expected that the mullet hairstyle itself will become repopularized as an ironically-appreciated fashion statement by fall of 2009.

London surrenders to terrorists

Sunday, July 10th, 2005 - 10:51 pm PDT

In light of Thursday’s stunning defeat, the United Kingdom today had little choice but to surrender control of their capital city to the terrorists. “This unfortunate, necessary measure does not indicate that they have broken our spirit,” announced Prime Minister Tony Blair from the government’s temporary headquarters in Birmingham. “We have lost this battle, but we will win this war.” As of 7pm GMT, terrorist forces had installed a high-ranking evildoer as provisional terrorist governor at 10 Downing Street.

More Americans on than watching reality TV

Sunday, June 26th, 2005 - 11:19 pm PDT

The growing surge in the number of reality TV shows, combined with a severe drop in the genre’s overall popularity has for the first time brought about a state of affairs where there are currently more American featured as participants on reality TV shows than there are Americans watching reality TV. “If all the people on these shows would even watch them when they are broadcast, this would not be happening,” said TV expert Langord Goldstein, “but most of the participants I’ve talked to who were on shows like Transvestite Island or Baby Momma Swap never want to see another reality TV show again in their lives.”

Death defied

Wednesday, June 15th, 2005 - 2:50 pm PDT

For the 11,637th day in a row, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith managed to defy death, successfully staying alive in the face of life’s innumerable potential pitfalls, pratfalls, and deadly afflictions. In the last twenty-four hours alone, Smith deftly avoided being struck by any of the 428 automobiles that crossed his path, kept clear of any and all falling anvils and open manhole covers, and did not succumb to any fatal physical ailments. Experts marveled that Smith “even considered this worth mentioning.”

Brick Testament in Heeb magazine

Tuesday, June 7th, 2005 - 11:44 am PDT

A full-page ad for Rev. Smith’s latest book The Brick Testament: The Ten Commandments can be seen in the latest issue of Heeb magazine, the self-proclaimed “New Jew Review”. Meanwhile in European press news, a short article on The Brick Testament can be seen in the June issue of FHM Portugal, and The Brick Testament’s rendition of The Last Supper was featured in an article about the changing face of LEGO in the April 2005 issue Swiss finance magazine Bilan. These and other newly-scanned items can be seen on the Brick Testament’s press page.

Beardliness is next to godliness

Wednesday, June 1st, 2005 - 8:42 am PDT

A new H-Net/Fritz media poll reveal that 96% of Americans who believe in God also believe that God has a beard. Of those people, 89% believe that God’s beard is white, 2% believe God grew his beard (and therefore at some time did not have a beard), while 94% believe that God has always had a beard and has never been clean shaven. 10% of Americans do not believe in God.

Smith in training for Vancouver in 2010

Thursday, May 26th, 2005 - 11:51 pm PDT

The Winter Olympic games in Vancouver are five years off, but Rev. Smith began his training this week, hoping to be one of the athletes who will compete in that games’ non-medal demonstration sport of polar bear wrestling. “Polar Wrestling has a long and storied history,” explained Smith as he prepared to grapple with robotic training device. “The Yup’ik people of the Canadian arctic have been sparring against polar bears for thousands of years,” said Smith. “I guess you could say that this is a sport that’s in my blood. I’m one-sixteenth polar bear.”

Brick Testament - Israel’s first king: Abimelech

Wednesday, May 18th, 2005 - 4:46 pm PDT

The Brick Testament website continues its illustration of the Book of Judges this week with three new stories recounting the harrowing tale of Abimelech, the first king of Israel, plus a bonus story about Tola and Jair, the less- than-famous fifth and sixth judges of Israel. So if you’ve ever wondered just how God would react if you slaughtered sixty-nine of your half-brothers, or in what convoluted way a whole society would be punished for worshipping the wrong deity, these stories will most certainly contain some invaluable wisdom for you to consider.

Nation lowers expectations for new Star Wars film

Saturday, May 14th, 2005 - 6:00 pm PDT

In advance of the May 19th release of Revenge of the Sith, millions of Star Wars fans across the country are consciously lowering their expectations. “I am still recovering from the disappointment of The Phantom Menace,” said 36-year-old Dennis Voight. “I was able to lower my expectations a little for Attack of the Clones, but not nearly enough,” said Voight, “but this time will be different. I am fully prepared for this movie to be seriously flawed.” Like many of his peers, Voight is doing his best not to let the relatively positive early reviews of the film raise his expectations. “I will not allow myself to think that this film might capture a little bit of the magic of the original trilogy,” Voight explained, “cause that way, if it does, that will be so awesome!” Added Voight: “Shit, I can’t let myself get my hopes up like that.”