America divided into shirts and skins

Thursday, December 29th, 2005 - 3:39 pm PST

President Bush today called on all Americans to divide into shirts and skins for a nation-wide game of pick-up basketball. Bush named himself and vice-president Dick Cheney team captains and quickly began choosing players. Bush, who will lead the shirts team, chose Washington, DC, citizen Michael Jordan first, while Cheney, who will lead the skins team, chose longtime crony David J. Lesar, President and CEO of Halliburton Enegry Services, who has no previous basketball experience. Though many Americans are eagerly looking forward to the game, approximately 32 million citizens admitted they were worried about getting picked last.

Birth of Jesus Christ celebrated

Sunday, December 25th, 2005 - 9:37 pm PST

Millions of middle and upper class Americans marked the anniversary of the Jesus Christ’s birth today by exchanging gifts with their fellow middle and upper class American friends and loved ones, each happily giving to those who already have plenty, and receiving gifts designed to make their already cushy and extravagant lives slightly more cushy and extravagant. Meanwhile billions of other human beings struggled to survive another day without starving to death.

Smith sent on wild goose chase

Friday, December 23rd, 2005 - 9:13 pm PST

In keeping with their annual tradition, Rev. Smith’s family sent him out on a wild goose chase today. “Don’t come back to the house until you’ve secured us a wild goose for Christmas dinner,” solemnly instructed his grandfather. Smith dutifully put on his hunting cap, equipped himself with tazer gun and a net, and set out into sub-freezing temperatures to scour area suburbs. The wild goose has proven an elusive prey for Smith. He has yet to catch one in his twenty-seven years of trying. Unwilling to come back to his family empty-handed, Smith generally waits until the day after Christmas to return home where by this time he is often greeted by jubilant laughter and wished better luck next year.

The Story of Christmas is in stores now!

Sunday, December 18th, 2005 - 5:16 pm PST

Today everyone knows the stories of Santa, Rudolph, Frosty the Snowman, and Tim Allen. But did you know that Christmas was once celebrated as the birthday of Jesus Christ? In The Brick Testament: The Story of Christmas, renown author Brendan Powell Smith retells this fascinating and seldom-considered story using direct quotes from the Bible and illustrations created entirely from LEGO bricks. This handsome hardcover book makes a perfect gift for anyone who need a gentle reminder of what makes December 25 so special (Jesus and/or LEGOs, depending on your beliefs).

Vendetta: A Christmas Story - free on DVD

Monday, December 12th, 2005 - 4:04 pm PST

I’m going to be honest and tell you right now Vendetta: A Christmas Story is the best holiday film that has ever been made. If I didn’t believe that will all my heart, I would never have let Santa Claus boot me in the sack like that. And now the only thing more explosively awesome than Vendetta itself is the fact that director and costar of the film, Jonathan Field, is giving away free copies of the DVD to anyone who sends him a self-addressed stamped envelope. Why? Because he’s just that awesome. So if you need a little something to jolt you into the Christmas spirit this year, head on over to, relax, and just let the awesomeness wash over you.

Smith added to Hindu pantheon

Monday, December 5th, 2005 - 10:57 am PST

It has been said that Hinduism is a religion with 330 million gods. Better make that 330,000,001. This week, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith was officially inducted to the Hindu pantheon where he will be worshipped as a god of iconoclasm. Indian president Amitabh Bachchan was present this morning for the groundbreaking ceremony of the first mandir devoted to Rev. Smith. While Smith will be the primary deity, other gods will have smaller shrines at the temple, including Hanuman, Ganesh, and Kali. For reasons as yet unclear, Smith will be depicted with five faces and three arms, or alternatively represented by a lingam.

A Thanksgiving with the Indians

Thursday, November 24th, 2005 - 11:45 am PST

Three hundred and eighty-four years ago, William Bradford celebrated a feast with his fellow pilgrims and the Massasoit Indians. This year, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith carried on his ancestor’s tradition by sharing a holiday feast with a different set of Indians located on the opposite side of the globe. And while the menu was a bit nontraditional (his hosts thought “turkey” was a prepared dish, not an animal), the sentiment of goodwill and thankful appreciation was very much the same. And following the meal, Rev. Smith enjoyed his traditional nap, face-down in a bowl of mashed-potatoes (though this year it was aloo gobi).

Smith quells rioting in France

Friday, November 11th, 2005 - 3:19 pm PST

After two weeks of riots in France, Rev. Smith was flown to Paris today to hammer out a compromise between thousands of disaffected, unemployed, second-generation immigrant suburban youths and the French government, widely seen as discriminatory and anti-immigration. Smith’s proposal calls for a massive building project that will provide jobs for 200,000 unskilled and semiskilled laborers. That project is a massive 50-meter high wall around France which would deter further immigration. The French government was quick to accept the plan, with prime minister Villepin noting that a side benefit of such a wall would be to “repel a German invasion, should the occasion arise.”

America lacks fat rap star

Tuesday, November 8th, 2005 - 10:35 pm PST

With oil prices soaring, the economy stagnant, and the country bogged down in a overseas war, now more than ever the times call for a fat rap star to take our minds off our problems so we can instead listen to the problems of a fat rap star set to tight beats. While the 1980s gave us The Fat Boys and Heavy D, and the early 90s produced Sir Mix-a-Lot and Bizmarkie, ever since the deaths of Notorious B.I.G. and Big Pun at the end of the millennium, America has gone without (even though some dope-ass rap names like “Ova-w8″ or “Obese” go unclaimed). While some think D12’s Bizarre may be the answer to our prayers, others are putting their hope in Dr Dre gaining another 50 pounds and releasing a comeback album, born again as a fat rapper.

Sexodus: Let my people come.

Thursday, November 3rd, 2005 - 7:26 pm PST

Rev. Smith is working on a screenplay for a Bible-themed porn movie to be released in 2007 called Sexodus. The plot is what Smith has deemed “historical friction”. Set in an ancient Egypt with a rapidly multiplying slave population, Pharaoh Ramses has outlawed orgasms among the Hebrews, and put them into forced labor erecting massive black obelisks. When all hope seems lost, along come two men: Moses, who takes his commands from a burning bush, and Aaron, whose staff can work miracles. God himself steps into the fray, afflicting the Egyptians with ten STDs, and after penetrating the Red Sea, He celebrates victory by raining down manna from heaven for all the people to swallow.

Interview with Rev. Smith in East Bay Express

Wednesday, October 26th, 2005 - 5:16 pm PDT

“It’s surprisingly moving when rendered in uncompromising shiny plastic” writes Anneli Rufus about The Brick Testament in the latest edition of the East Bay Express, a weekly newspaper serving the San Francisco Bay Area. In the full page interview, Rev. Smith discusses his religious background, the choice of LEGO bricks as a medium for Biblical illustration, and the occasional difficulties in rendering complex scenes with simple plastic blocks. An online version of the article can be seen here. Also now online is a scan of the Rolling Stone piece from earlier this month.

Jesus’s death ruled a suicide

Wednesday, October 19th, 2005 - 4:04 pm PDT

After more than 2,000 years of investigation, the death of Jesus Christ has officially been ruled a suicide. The break in the case came when investigators were finally able to wrap their minds around the concept of the Trinity. When they realized that Jesus and God were one, it was a simple matter of deduction to determine that Jesus must have planned out his own death in advance, and that his crucifixion at the hands of local authorities was merely an ancient form of “suicide by cop“. The two previous main suspects in the case, the Romans and the Jews, have now been released and cleared of all charges.