Smith agrees to disagree

Friday, March 17th, 2006 - 11:10 pm PST

Although you’ve made many compelling points in the course of the past three hour’s debate, and though it is fully conceded that your conclusion rests logically upon its foundation of premises, Rev. Smith nonetheless must insist that you and he will simply have to agree to disagree on the matter, seeing that it is, at its heart, a matter of opinion rather than a factual claim about an objective state of the world that could somehow be empirically proven by presenting evidence for or against. And so, good sir, carry on with your belief that Def Leppard is the best fucking band ever.

North Dakota missing

Thursday, March 9th, 2006 - 3:28 pm PST

The state of North Dakota has gone missing. The sparsely populated state was last seen by neighbor Minnesota last Friday “somewhere east of Montana” before apparently vanishing without a trace. Authorities have yet to develop any strong leads in the case, and have not ruled out abduction. Canada has been brought in for questioning. Terrorism is being considered “an extremely remote possibility”, and many in surrounding states believe North Dakota will eventually come back of its own accord, as it did after disappearing for several weeks in the late 1970s.

The Brick Testament: The End of the World

Friday, March 3rd, 2006 - 11:12 pm PST

The Brick Testament website has been updated today with seven new illustrated Bible stories. Follow along on the continuing adventures of Jesus Of Nazareth as he insults a Canaanite woman, sends out his minions to preach, reanimates a corpse, gets covered in nard, curses a tree, trashes a temple, and predicts the end of the world within the lifetime of his disciples. A splendid time is guaranteed for all. Except sinners. They will be cast down into a lake of fire to burn for all eternity.

Bush taps Bin Laden to run Homeland Security

Monday, February 27th, 2006 - 6:57 pm PST

President Bush announced today that he has chosen Osama Bin Laden as his new Secretary of the Department of Homeland Security. Bush appeared surprised by the immediate icy reaction to his announcement even among members of his own political party, and assured Americans that Mr. Bin Laden is a “terrorism expert”, further noting that there has been a long and friendly relationship between the Bush and Bin Laden families. “I trust him,” said Bush, “I think he’s going to make a heck of a Homeland Security chief.” Though congressional democrats have expressed grave concern over Bush’s choice, they say will likely do nothing about it. Said Sen. John Kerry: “You’ve got to pick your battles.”

Smith gives hobo a knuckle sandwich

Tuesday, February 21st, 2006 - 10:22 am PST

Having been asked for the umpteenth if he could spare a little change for some food, Rev. Smith finally broke down and gave the hobo on the corner of 24th and Elm a knuckle sandwich. Stunned onlookers gawked until Smith loudly asked if anyone else wanted some. They then quickly dispersed and went about their business. Smith later admitted to feeling a twang of guilt about the incident. “That knuckle sandwich had been meant for my girlfriend,” he said. Smith went home and made her a salad of deep despair instead.

The Brick Testament: Who loves you, baby?

Tuesday, February 14th, 2006 - 9:44 am PST

Could there be anything more romantic than snuggling up with the one you love, dimming the lights, and checking out nine new stories added to the Brick Testament website? These new stories kick off a revamp of the New Testament side of the site, with some older stores redone and new stories added. Enjoy, and remember, even if you’re alone this Valentine’s Day, you’re not really alone. Jesus is there. And also remember that if you’re having a sexy romantic evening with your lover, Jesus is also there. But he’s covering his eyes during the nasty parts.

Six more dead in riots over comic strip

Thursday, February 9th, 2006 - 2:19 am PST

Violent rioting broke out again today prompted by the decision of 2,570 newspapers worldwide to continue running the painfully unfunny daily comic strip Garfield. Though the public has quietly suffered the presence of the comic strip since 1978, matters came to a head this week when groups of fanatical Garfield detractors banded together to protest the printing of the strip’s 10,000th daily comic. Police were forced to resort to violent measures today, fatally wounding four protesters as they attempted to firebomb the Muncie, IN, home of Garfield creator Jim Davis. Two others died last night after setting themselves ablaze on Davis’s front lawn.

Heaven full

Saturday, February 4th, 2006 - 11:53 am PST

Dying soon? You may want to hold off on that plan because expert theologians are reporting that heaven is full. No matter how virtuous their lives on Earth, those perishing today will be forced to make other accommodations for eternity. And you can’t count on staying in Limbo either. In fact, it was Pope Benedict XVI’s recent decision to alter Catholic doctrine to eliminate belief in Limbo which caused heaven to become suddenly and unexpectedly inundated with all those who died before Jesus brought salvation into the world, plus all the babies who lived after Jesus, but died before receiving baptism. Angels are reportedly working round the clock to add a new wing to heaven to accommodate the faithful. The expected completion date is 2017.

Wendy’s: I’d hit that™

Monday, January 30th, 2006 - 3:20 pm PST

To combat slumping sales since last year’s severed finger chili incident, the Wendy’s corporation contracted the services of Rev. Smith to come up with a bold new advertising slogan. The result: a $220 million ad campaign whose flagship 30-second TV spot is set to debut during this weekend’s Superbowl XL. In it, hip-looking twenty-somethings of various ethnicities are seen perusing the menu at a Wendy’s restaurant. In turn, each of them reads off a menu item, such as “Classic Triple with Cheese?” and then adds “I’d hit that.” The ad ends in silence with the familiar Wendy’s logo, and beneath it the trademarked catchphrase: I’d hit that™.

War on Terror finally over

Saturday, January 21st, 2006 - 7:41 pm PST

With America’s acceptance of the truce offered by arch-nemesis Osama Bin Laden, the long fought War on Terror officially ended today. The terms of the truce, deemed acceptable to both sides, involve the US bringing home all of its overseas military personnel from the Middle East, and a complete cessation of all Islamic fundametalist terrorist attacks worldwide. Americans celebrated the end of the war by scraping yellow ribbon bumper stickers off their SUVs and by keeping their shoes on as they passed though airport metal detectors. For the first time since its inception, the US Department of Homeland Secuirty’s advisory system has been set to bright green for “Totally Safe”.

Smith diagnosed with jimmy leg

Friday, January 13th, 2006 - 9:33 am PST

After another night of having her sleep rudely interrupted by the spasmodic jigglings of her partner’s leg, Rev. Smith’s girlfriend forced him to go to the hospital last night where, after a battery of x-rays, blood tests, urine and fecal samples, doctors diagnosed Smith with a condition known as jimmy leg. “There is no known cure for jimmy leg,” said Smith, reading from a pamphlet given to him by a nurse on his way out of the hospital, “but it’s symptoms can be reduced by cutting back on the amount of caffeine consumed just before bedtime.” Added Smith: “Hunh.”

Twelve trapped coal miners denied miracle

Wednesday, January 4th, 2006 - 11:08 am PST

Only a miracle from God could have saved the lives of 12 coal miners trapped deep inside a West Virginia mine after an explosion on Monday. For 42 hours, friends and family gathered to pray to God for such a miracle, and for a brief moment, due to what was apprently a miscommunication, it was thought that God had indeed chosen to save the 12 miners. Alas, that turned out not to be the case. It is now believed that only a miracle from God could bring the 12 coal miners back from the dead. Friends and family of the victims have gathered to pray for such a miracle.