Area black man accused of not acting black

Wednesday, October 18th, 2006 - 7:59 am PDT

Yesterday morning an area black man was accused of failing to act sufficiently black. “You are not acting black,” said his accuser, a fellow black man. “You are acting in a way which is different from and contrary to the way a black person acts,” he added, “leading me to question if in some way you are not actually a black person at all, but rather some sort of non-back person who only appears to be black in the most superficial of ways.”

More of Jesus’s Teachings

Saturday, October 14th, 2006 - 11:14 am PDT

Rejoice! The Brick Testament website has been update today with another nine illustrated lessons from the Teachings of Jesus. Head on over and learn what Jesus had to say about such diverse and important topics as World Peace, Family Values, the Power of Faith, How to Pray, When to Defend Yourself, and What Happens to People Who Insult Others. It’s a handy-dandy reference for anyone asking themselves “What the heck would Jesus do?” And remember, as Christ himself said, everyone who hears these words of his and does not put them into practice is like a foolish man!

The Brick Testament turns 5 today

Thursday, October 5th, 2006 - 3:43 am PDT

The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith’s ambitious endeavor to illustrate the entire Bible in LEGO bricks turns five years old today. Originally launched in October 2001 with six illustrated stories from the book of Genesis, the website now includes a total of 233 stories from 17 books of the Bible, and has a total of 2,710 illustrations; it’s success has also spawned three hardcover books published in four languages. Smith guesses he’s “maybe about halfway done” with the project at this point, and says he plans to keep at it until he is struck down by God or ascends directly into heaven.

Bush furious over latest intelligence leak

Friday, September 29th, 2006 - 11:56 pm PDT

President Bush reacted strongly today to the leak of a classified US intelligence committee’s finding that president Bush is a total fucking idiot. “Someone has taken it upon themselves to leak this highly classified information,” said a visibly angered Bush. “This was a cowardly and treasonous act. Making public sensitive information of this kind can only cause panic and embolden our enemies.” Bush went on to announce a criminal investigation into the leak, vowing to swiftly punish whoever was responsible unless it turns out to have been Karl Rove or Dick Cheney.

Tony Danza rolling in his grave

Wednesday, September 20th, 2006 - 2:26 pm PDT

The deceased corpse of beloved character actor Tony Danza is reportedly rolling in its grave this week, upon learning that the role of Tony Danza in the upcoming ABC made-for-TV movie The Tony Danza Story will be played by a computer-generated actor that will be voiced by sounds clips of Tony Danza taken from various episodes of Taxi, Who’s the Boss?, and the 1989 movie She’s Out of Control. While Danza’s angered and partially-decomposed corpse remains buried here on Earth, his everlasting soul is looking kindly down on us all from heaven.

Smith to enter WWE as wrestler ‘Stinkface’

Tuesday, September 12th, 2006 - 12:33 pm PDT

Rev. Smith announced today that he has signed a multi-year contract with World Wrestling Entertainment to compete under the name ‘Stinkface’ starting in 2008. Smith says he submitted the idea for the character to WWE chairman Vince McMahon earlier this year, and it met with almost instant approval. According to the proposal, Stinkface will enter the ring wearing an enormously enlarged prosthetic ass, and his signature move, perhaps unsurprisingly, will be the stinkface, in which one wrestler smothers his buttocks into the face of his (usually incapacitated) opponent. Smith will spend the coming year before his debut bulking up his body to WWE standards using a wide variety of powerful steroids.

“Z” stripped of letter status

Wednesday, August 30th, 2006 - 7:12 am PDT

Leading orthographers declared this week that “Z” is no longer a letter under new guidelines that downsize the English alphabet from twenty-six letters to twenty-five. Meeting in Prague, a week of tumultuous debate preceded the decision by the prestigious International Orthographical Union that stripped “Z” of the letter status it has enjoyed since its discovery in 1930, reclassifying it as merely a “dwarf letter”. The new stricter guidlines were chosen in favor of a more inclusive proposal that would have granted full letter status to several other lesser symbols used in English writing such as “&”, “$”, “#”, and “¢”.

Hell is for children

Thursday, August 17th, 2006 - 3:59 pm PDT

Pope Benedict XVI sent shock waves through the church today upon issuing Averno De Pueros Est, a new papal encyclical that breaks with long-standing Catholic tradition in boldly declaring that “hell is for children”. The relatively brief document makes allusions to the horrors of child abuse before ending with the cryptic words: “Hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for hell. Hell is for children.” Sources close to the pope believe he will next turn his attention to another encyclical tentatively titled Caritas Campo Est or “Love Is a Battlefield”.

Smith renewed for another season

Tuesday, August 8th, 2006 - 10:04 am PDT

Fans of The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith were delighted today to learn that Smith has officially been renewed for the Fall 2006 / Winter 2007 season. A contract has been signed to produce twenty-four new week-long episodes of Smith before he once again goes into to reruns for the summer. Smith’s popularity has remained steady in recent years despite ever increasing competition from the Earth’s other 6.5 billion people. Though his ratings peaked in the late 90s, Smith expects to last a few more years before an all-too-precious child character is forcibly added to his cast in a desperate attempt to maintain viewer interest.

Study links obesity, XXXL clothing

Saturday, July 29th, 2006 - 5:50 pm PDT

Could the clothes you buy determine your weight? A new $3.2 million H-Net/Fritz Media study has revealed a very significant statistical correlation between the purchasing of clothing in XXXL sizes and obesity, and a corresponding correlation between purchasing sizes M and S with low body weight. Perhaps most surprisingly, the study found that people used to purchase XXXL clothing, but have since switched to purchasing smaller clothes sizes are also very likely to have lost a lot of weight. So the next time you go shopping, you may want to head over to the petite section, even if they’ll need to use a forklift to get you over there!

The Brick Testament: Jesus’s Teachings

Saturday, July 15th, 2006 - 9:08 pm PDT

Our lord and savior Jesus Christ is best known for getting himself killed by the Romans and thereby somehow granting us eternal life, but it’s a little known fact that he is also considered a world-renown moral teacher. No less an authority than US President George W. Bush once named Jesus as his “favorite political philosopher“. Today The Brick Testament launches a new section of the website devoted to illustrating Jesus’s Teachings. It’s called, appropriately enough, The Teachings of Jesus.

Smith checks himself before wrecking himself

Sunday, July 9th, 2006 - 2:54 pm PDT

Following the advice of a concerned and vaguely threatening peer, Rev. Smith today decided to take a moment out of his busy schedule to check himself before wrecking himself. “I was skeptical at first, not having realized that I was on a path to self-destruction, but I now feel extremely fortunate to have taken the time to examine my recent behaviors and motivations, making changes where necessary to better myself.”