The Brick Testament - David and Goliath

Monday, December 18th, 2006 - 2:10 am PST

Merry Christmas and happy holidays from The Brick Testament! Our gift to you this year is one final set of seven new illustrated stories in the King Saul section of the website, featuring one of the most famous confrontations of all time: David and Goliath. And it would behoove us to mention that if you need a last minute gift for your friends and loved ones this holiday season, nothing says “I give totally awesome gifts to my friends and loved ones” like a fine hardcover book from the Brick Testament book series.

Scholars: Jesus did not wear pants

Thursday, December 14th, 2006 - 8:46 pm PST

Though many conservative Christians have called the idea “too shocking to even contemplate”, critical New Testament scholars are in wide agreement that it is “extremely improbable” that Jesus of Nazareth wore pants. “They simply were not invented or popularized yet,” said controversial scholar Robert M. Price. The no-pants theory has been denounced outright by the Vatican and many Evangelical leaders, while others have reacted with resigned acceptance. “It makes me feel a bit helpless, to be honest,” says the Rev. James Fillmore of Atchison, Kansas, “How can I seriously ask my congregation to worship a man who walked around with no pants on?”

Last 12 Iraqis in Baghdad killed by car bomb

Saturday, December 9th, 2006 - 4:33 pm PST

The last twelve remaining Iraqis in the city of Baghdad were killed this morning when a car bomb exploded just outside the city’s US-protected safety area or “green zone”. It was the 30,916th car bomb attack in Baghdad this year, bringing the Iraqi population of the city down to 0 from its high of nearly 7 million at the start of the US-lead invasion in 2003. US President George Bush commented that the complete depopulation of Baghdad was “unfortunate,” but that he believes it is a price worth paying for the establishment of democracy in the Iraqi capital.

Smith gives a shit

Friday, December 1st, 2006 - 8:05 pm PST

In an impromptu speech delivered at an area Wendy’s today, The Rev. Brendan Powell Smith sought to dispel recent rumors by announcing to a surprised and mildly curious lunchtime crowd that he is “someone who truly gives a shit”. “In a world marked by ever increasing apathy and cynicism,” said Smith, reading from prepared remarks, “too many people of my generation just do not give a shit about anything. That’s not me.” Smith proceeded to list off more than thirty-five causes or entities about which he “truly and deeply gives a shit” before sitting down and finishing his 1/2 pound Jalapeno Cheddar Double Melt and Biggie Fries. He was last spotted heading toward the restroom.

Saul about the Benjaminites

Tuesday, November 21st, 2006 - 10:47 pm PST

The Brick Testament’s illustration of the book of 1 Samuel marches forward today with the addition of five new stories to the King Saul section of the website. Tag along with young Saul as he quests for his father’s lost donkeys, but quickly finds himself doused in oil, kissed by a man, driven into a frenzy, and chosen by lottery as king of the Israelites. Oh, and did I mention that a bunch of people get their right eyes gouged out? Good times.

Made up statistics 120% more likely to be right

Saturday, November 18th, 2006 - 8:28 pm PST

In a surprising new study, researchers at Boston University’s School of Statisticology have found that made-up statistics turn out to be 120% more accurate than those arrived at through large-scale sampling, rigorous controls, and adherence to strict scientific methodologies. “Certainly we were amazed by the findings,” said lead researcher Ambrose Fukijama, “but once we arrived at them, it was clear we should simply throw them out and make up new ones.” Fukijama added he is confident in the accuracy of the findings because they are strongly supported by the findings themselves.

The Santorums are coming to FOX TV

Thursday, November 16th, 2006 - 5:13 am PST

The recently voted-out-of-office Senator Rick Santorum will stay in the public spotlight as he and his family star in the new reality TV series The Santorums, coming to FOX TV in summer of 2007. Santorum, who will remain in the number-three party leadership position in the Senate until January 3, is a proponent of Intelligent Design being taught in public schools, considers evolution by natural selection to be a controversial theory, believes homosexuals who “act upon their orientation” destroy healthy families, and that US citizens have no right to privacy concerning consensual sex acts between adults.

Smith turns frown upside down

Saturday, November 11th, 2006 - 4:22 pm PST

After battling months of crippling depression, Rev. Smith finally took the advice of well-meaning friends this week and turned his frown upside down. Smith’s doctor reports that the three hour surgical procedure went smoothly, and that once the bandages are off, Smith will have the superficial appearance of beaming at the outside world, despite his inward extremes of melancholy. Doctors cautioned Smith that if he ever comes out of his depression and starts smiling again, his facial expression will be registered by most as a deep and bitter scowl.

Two heartbeats away from first female president

Thursday, November 9th, 2006 - 12:04 am PST

With Nancy Pelosi set to become Speaker of the House come January 3, 2007, the United States of America will be just “two heartbeats away” from its first female president. “If Bush were to choke on a pretzel and Cheney to have a hunting accident on the very same day, we could be looking at President Pelosi,” said one political analyst. Though females make up a majority of the American population, in its 230 year history the country has never been represented by a female president or vice-president.

Take my ark… please!

Sunday, November 5th, 2006 - 11:19 pm PST

Three new illustrated stories have been added today to The Brick Testament website’s King Saul section. Come watch as the Philistines play “hot potato” with the ark of the covenant, shuttling it from city to city, watching their friends and loved ones die of horrible tumors along the way. Stick around to briefly rejoice with the Israelites as the ark is returned, and then weep mournfully as God lashes out and kills 50,000 of them.

The Philistines have the ark!

Saturday, October 28th, 2006 - 3:38 pm PDT

This week, The Brick Testament is kicking it old school, plunging head first back into the depths of the Old Testament to bring you four brand new illustrated stories from the action-packed book of 1 Samuel. These stories kick off a new section of the site called King Saul, and picks up right where we left the Israelites at the cliffhanger ending to the Book of Judges. So come on over and find out how the prophet Samuel was born, and how the ark of the covenant ended up in the hands of the much maligned Philistines.

Pre-Halloween neighborhood cleanup

Monday, October 23rd, 2006 - 11:58 pm PDT

With Halloween just around the corner, Rev. Smith has taken it upon himself to become a one-man volunteer neighborhood cleanup crew. Grabbing a mop, broom, and several large trash bags, Smith selflessly got to work while area residents were away at their jobs. “Sure, it’s hard work,” said Smith. ‘You wouldn’t believe the stuff I’ve been finding: bats, cobwebs, spiders, rats… even what appears to be human bones. But I’m just driven by the desire for things to look their best for the big night.” Smith also took time to pull down many sets of Christmas lights that several area residents seem to have left up from last year.