Horrific terrorist attack shows liberals the light

Tuesday, July 26th, 2011 - 4:06 pm PDT

The actions of right-wing extremist Anders Breivik this past Friday, in which he  dressed as a policeman and ruthlessly gunned down more than a hundred and fifty defenseless teenagers at a summer camp, has opened the eyes of liberal westerners around the globe to the merits of conservatism. “I used to think multiculturalism and tolerance were virtues,” said Norwegian Prime Minister Jens Stoltenberg, “but this gruesome mass murder of innocents has been a real wake-up call. I see now that liberalism must be stopped.” European leaders are gathering in the wake of the attacks to discuss how the views laid out in Breivik’s 1,500 page manifesto can be most quickly implemented, including the violent annihilation of Islam, Marxism, and multiculturalism. Noting the success of Breivik’s tactics, many ultra-conservatives in the US are reportedly considering suffocating babies and strangling puppies in a further effort to show liberals the error of their ways.